Life with Love, Loss, and Lily

Private

2008-12-15T12:35:00.004-05:00

If you want an invite, email me at cinderella20032 at aol.com.

I thought that the feelings on my blog was private. All mine. I thought that other's understood what I was saying and what I wasn't saying. But I guess not. My privacy has been invaded, and I feel like I've been exposed.

For the last 2 1/2 years this has been my lifeline. You all knew the intimate details of my life. What I wanted to say and couldn't, you encouraged me. I will miss you terribly.

My love to you all, and I promise that I'll keep reading!

Eta: I put some posts back in. Ones that I feel are beneficial to others. Maybe. Maybe I'm just delusional. But anyhow, I put them back. If you've gotten this far and I've already moved on, shoot me an email and I'll send you an invite. That is, if you really want to hear our saga continue.

It seems silly now

2008-11-24T11:29:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I was chatting with Lisa, and we were talking about how mentally we do crazy things when we are pregnant after a loss. I described to her what Lily's funeral would have looked like, had she died. I remember that I had almost gone as far as buying the plot next to the boys, pre-ordering the flowers, and burning a cd with the music. I remember thinking, This time we're going to go all out...pull out all the stops for our last child. I had a check-list of things that I would do right this time. I would take lots of pictures and let everyone hold her. I put off buying the headstone because I was convinced that we'd just have to add another name to it anyway. I didn't want Derick to get his memorial tattoo because I wanted to make sure that he had enough room to add her name to it. I didn't want to name her. I didn't want to find out her gender. I didn't want to do any of those things because if I did, it meant that she was real.

But I was in love with her.

And it didn't happen. The other shoe didn't drop.

I sat around, on edge, for months waiting for my water to break. Even when she was about to be born, they had to break it. Even when I was fully dialated, she didn't come out.

It seems silly now that I spent so much time waiting for those things to happen. Planning on those things happening.

Now I hold her in my arms and I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine not seeing her face everyday. It's just...silly. It is, really. But in that moment, we do anything and everything we can do to survive until the next day.

Parents

2008-11-17T11:27:00.004-05:00

We got a lovely email from Derick's aunt today. His dad is in the hospital. He went in for another round of Chemo on Thursday, but they decided to keep him. He had something done with his bone marrow, and they are doing many CAT scans. They think his lymph nodes are getting more swollen or something. So his aunt suggested that we visit sooner than later.

Derick's afraid to call. I think that he's afraid to hear the prognosis. So I emailed his aunt back and asked myself. I don't blame him. No one wants to loose their parent, but there comes a point when you have to grow up and accept things the way they are. I hope that he's able to do that. I don't want to scare him, but I know that if it's in his lymph nodes it's not a good thing. I don't know much about Leukemia, but I have certainly dealt with my share of cancer.

In her email, she said, "I'm so glad Becky contacted us. We didn't forget about you. We could never forget about you." She also said, "Becky seems like such a nice person." To which Derick responded, "Obviously she doesn't know you well." She loved the pictures of Lily. Hopefully they will brighten up his day a little bit too. She said that Derick looked so happy, and they were so glad...that's all they ever wanted for him.

We can't make the trip in December to visit them. But my brother offered us tickets on the airline that he works for. Hopefully we'll be able to make it in January or February. I have time in March, but I'm afraid that might be to late. I don't want to visit if he's not feeling up to it. She offered up her bed and said that she can stay with her daughter. She has her grandaughter's crib for Lily, and some toys for her to play with. It seems like a nice trip. I hope we can make it.

I also inquired about his brothers and sister. I told her that I had hoped he could get in touch with them, if not for him but for Lily. They are her aunts and uncles and cousins. She should know them...and not at her grandfather's funeral.

I was afraid this would be a disaster, but it's turned out better than I thought.

Chunky Monkey

2008-11-08T13:48:00.011-05:00

Lisa and I took Lily for her pictures yesterday. The intent was to get her Christmas picture taken, but she had other ideas! So we ended up with some really great newborn pictures and we are going to go back to get her Christmas pictures done. She screamed so loud she turned purple! Then a not-so-nice man told us that we had to hurry up and they couldn't even give me 5 minutes to get her calmed down. Ah, that's another rant though...

All in all, they did a wonderful job and I'm very happy with them.

When she took the picture with the feather's, I cried. She looked just like an angel. And of course, I couldn't help but think about who wasn't there.

As we were packing up to leave, it hit me again. Thank God I was with Lisa. Someone who understood what I didn't say. It was bittersweet, as was Halloween. I suppose that every other
first will be the same way. That's why they call it grief. It comes at you when you least expect it. It's always there even when it's disguised as joy.

So much to say

2008-11-06T02:10:00.003-05:00

I have so much to say and not enough time to say it..

Lily went to the Neonatologist and her Pediatrician on Monday. The poor kid, I double booked her by accident. The Neo said that she was doing great, but approaching chubby baby. She weighs 11lbs 3oz and is 22 inches long. So he had us discontinue her cereal for her reflux. He also suggested that the cereal is what is constipating her so she went twice on her own since we stopped it. I was so happy that I almost cried. Who would have thought I'd be this interested in another human being's bowel movements. He also looked at her Erb's Palsey and said he's sure that she's completely recovered! The Ped gave her the Synagist shot for RSV season, the first of many. She'll get them from November to April. She also gave her the 2nd round of her vaccines. Something interesting, I guess, is that when I was pregnant...or before I was even pregnant...I knew that I would space out her vaccines. My family is very aware of autism, and it was something that I wanted to do. Not totally rule them out, but not give them as combined shots. But with Lily being a preemie and all I didn't want to take any chances. I was afraid. But Monday my mom gave me a whole bunch of shit about it. "I thought you were going to space them out..." blah, blah, blah. Sometimes we just don't do what we thought we would.

We can't get flights to Denver to see Derick's dad which upsets us both. The only flights left with the class of service that my tickets are for come back late Monday night and I can't miss 3 days of work. Not after how good they've been to us. So it's a dud, I guess. I told Derick that we could potentially go in Febuary or so, and if we both can't afford to go he can take Lily by himself.

So I don't know what we're going to do with our tickets. I suggested heading to Austin to see Monica H. but he's not sure. So we're up in the air about it. Any suggestions?

And finally, I had a huge political post written in my head but I just can't seem to get it out. I made Lily stay awake last night to see who won. I wanted to tell her when she comes to me with her history book that she was there to see it. I'm putting a lot of faith in Mr. Obama. I pray that he comes through for us. We need it. We need something. But to be quite honest, ANY change is better than what we have. I believe that John McCain would have had a better chance had the current administration not thrown the country into the crapper. But that's my opinion, so take it or leave it!

Then today, I read a post by Jessica and I think...for as many people who didn't vote for him because he was black...how many people only voted for him because he was black? That's a little scary to me. I had thought that as a society we've come further than that. But I guess we haven't. Maybe I'm just naive, but I've never seen a difference in people. I had thought that other people felt the same way. We've come so far, yet there are still differences. There are still people who feel so strongly that they won't vote for someone of a minority and still people who feel so strongly they will only vote for someone of a minority. I'm ashamed of those people, and honestly I'm ashamed of the way the media is portraying things. It's not about the color of his skin. It's about what he can do to help us. It's about entering a new chapter. People helping people.

Later today Lily and I had a big discussion about just that. She listened while I spoke. My great-grandfather founded The National Conference for Christians and Jews. His name is Dr. Everett Clinchy. He spoke publicly on many occasions, and one man who watched him speak told my brother and I that it was "like watching God speak from the heaven." He wanted equality for all men. He worked to unite people instead of pushing them apart. Here he speaks about brotherhood. This is his prayer.

* One Family %

Our Father, creator and sustainer of all that lives, we
seek thy presence in a world distraught, thy love and healing
in a world of enmity and hatred. Thou hast made of one
blood all the people of mankind to dwell together as a family
upon the face of the earth. We come to thee for strength to
break down the barriers that hold men apart, and to fashion
unity amidst the diversity of creed and race and nation.
Make us conscious of our common humanity.

May those who are strong withhold no opportunity
from the weak; those who are powerful keep none in sub-
jection. Make us quick to recognize the talents of those of
races other than our own and to give to all the honor that is
their due. Forbid that we should belie the faith we proclaim,
that all men are equal, by denying to those of other religious
convictions and racial ties the rights which we claim for our-
selves. Crown all our good with brotherhood. To thee be the
honor and the glory.

And now may the search for that which is true, the love
of that which is beautiful, the enjoyment of that which is just
and good possess our hearts and minds as they have en-
nobled and enriched the lives of the great of every age.
Amen.

EVERETT Ross CLINCHY

I'm not just naive, I was born this way.

Twist of fate

2008-11-03T01:53:00.004-05:00

Derick told me stories of his grandmother. Stories that I've never heard, and I was sad because I never knew her. I was sad for him, and for Lily. Nora was her name. If Dylan was a girl that's what his name would have been and when it came time to name Lily we couldn't bear to give her that name. It just seemed to go with him. Anyway, she was the type of woman that cuddled with him. She held him when he was scared, and did a lot with him. She was his security in a world of uncertain.

His Dad moved to Colorado when Derick was 13 or so. He took his mother with him, and Derick never saw them again. He also has 3 brothers and a sister that he hasn't seen since.

Thursday night he was telling me about her and he asked if I thought she died. I didn't know what to say, so I pulled out the computer and we looked at legacy.com. She passed September 27th, 2007 at the age of 93. There was a 'contact me' link, and I clicked. It went to his father's sister's email. So I wrote. I explained that I was his wife, we were sorry to hear of the passing of his mother, and that Derick would love to speak to him. We have a little girl now, I told them, and it would mean a lot to us for her to know them. I gave him our phone number and Derick's email address and we waited.

The phone rang about 9pm tonight. I answered and it was his Dad. I quickly passed the phone to Derick, and I could see in his eyes. From what we understand his dad fought for custody of him for quite some time. Not that I'm defending him at all, but he obviously wanted something to do with Derick. In fact when Derick was a baby the court ordered him full custody and he had Derick until he was almost 3 before his mom got him back. It was strange...and we don't know the whole story. His mom had a bunch of issues at the time too (I know, redneck family that I married into...).

Anyway, I don't know how to describe the look on Derick's face. They talked for some time. Derick told him all about Dylan and Riley. He told him about Lily and how beautiful she is. He told him about his job and about me and where we lived. He talked about his mom and his grandmother that passed away.

His dad told him some things too. Mainly...he has Leukemia. He's about to undergo his 4th round of Chemo. He was grateful that we emailed him. Grateful to hear Derick's voice, and thrilled to know he has a granddaughter.

All the feelings that Derick had for him melted away. He's dying, and Derick decided that we need to go visit him. So we're off to Colorado in December. Sounds fun, right? Except it's going to be cold and we'll have a 4 month old. It's outside of Denver I guess. I have no idea what there is to do there, but regardless Derick will be able to work through some of these feelings. I hope so, at least.

So it seems that through a strange twist of fate and his grandmother's final gift, Derick will have a chance to know his father in a way that he hasn't before. I just pray that he doesn't get hurt in the meantime.

I forgot!

2008-10-26T23:53:00.003-04:00

I forgot Dylan's due date. I can't believe I forgot. It was October 18th, and I'm 10 days late. I know it's not that important, but it was important to me. No one else remembered, not even Derick.

Ah, well...it happens, I guess. I know that I don't love him any less because I forgot. I still think about him everyday. I'm just disappointed because I wanted to get to the cemetery.

Anyway...I needed to ask a few questions of you out there...

First, I want to start a blog or something for girls with an incompetent cervix. I've come across what seems like a lot of bloggers with IC lately. Maybe just a list of blogs that people can reference. I'm not sure, I haven't figured it out yet. But if there was one place that people could go specifically for info about their babies, cerclages, grief, or whatever...just one more place to comiserate with others. So if you suffer from IC, please leave a comment if you'd be interested. If you normally lurk, leave me a comment and I'll add you too...

Second, you all left me such beautiful comments when Lily was born. I am doing her scrapbook and was wondering if I could use your comments. I want to show her how kind you all are. How she was loved before she was even born, and how special she is. I'm sure she won't realize it until she's a mother, but I can hope. Anyway, I was wondering if that was ok with you. Let me know, and if for some reason it wasn't I won't add it to her book.

Third, my MIL acknowledged the other night how I was treated by Derick's aunt and ex-stepfather. She made a point to tell me that if she ever thought I wasn't taking care of Lily she wouldn't hesitate to say something. She then went on to say that she had nothing to say about the subject other than the fact that Lily is thriving and that proves our level of care. I'm pretty sure she'll say something to them. She isn't one to keep her mouth shut especially at the expense of us.

So nothing new to report here. Lily is sleeping through the night but has stopped taking naps during the day. Or, if she takes a nap it isn't until 7pm and then she doesn't go to sleep until 1 or 2 AM. Tonight, though, I woke her up and she went to bed at 11. Hopefully she sleeps good tonight. I go back to work in 2 weeks so we better get situated now!

Moments

2008-10-16T01:35:00.003-04:00

Each day we have moments in our lives that profoundly change who we are and what we believe. These moments, although not tangible to others all the time, make up who we are, who we love, what we think, and how we live our lives.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Day.

There are moments with my pregnany with Dylan that are special to me. They encompass his life. They are who they are. The day I found out I was pregnant, for instance. That profoundly changed my life. He loved to eat baked potatoes. In fact, once Derick caught me up at 3am making a plate full of baked potatoes loaded with sour cream and butter. The moment that we heard his heartbeat for the first time. We were speechless. The moment that we learned he was gone...forever in our hearts. And the moment that we laid him to rest among the trees and the birds. There have been so many moments since then. When I was pregnant with Riley I was obsessed with everything pumpkin flavored. It was the fall, afterall. He loved Toaster Strudel. I ate boxes of them a week. His heartbeat was music to our ears. We walked together, Riley and I. Before the cerclage was placed. We talked about his life...the dreams I had for him. I remember the moment that we had to make the decision, the final ultrasound confirming what we had already known. Holding him in my arms, and laying him at rest with his brother. The memorial service and the people that we invited and those that we didn't invite.

Those are the moments that made up their lives and that shaped mine.

Tell me about your moments.

October 15th is a day filled with pride for me. Pride for the babies gone to soon, and pride for their parents to carry on. I've remembered each and every one of your babies today, and so many more.

Colic

2008-10-13T22:19:00.003-04:00

Our sweet little girl has turned into a monster!

Ok, not a monster...but you get the idea...

She's been crying since her due date. Inconsolable, painful sounding, bone-chilling cries. I called the doctor last week and they changed her Zantac to Prevacid hoping that would do the trick. The Prevacid is much stronger, but if we didn't notice a change by Sunday to call and be seen today. After a particularly painful, exasperating morning, I called and she was seen this afternoon.

She weighs 9lbs 10oz! They changed her formula to a hyperallergenic kind. It's nearly $26 a can, but we've seen drastic improvements from the samples that they gave us today. She's taken 2 feedings so far tonight and hasn't spit up one bit. I asked about herbal things to help, and he said that he can't recommend anything because there isn't enough evidence but that it can't hurt. So we bought some Colic Ease Gripe Water and she sucked it down happily. Not sure how it worked, but she fell asleep soon after. So maybe it's doing something...

The Ped stressed the importance of having help with a colic baby. He explained that he had two mother's throw their babies through a closed window when they couldn't take it anymore. It broke his heart, he said, and my mom started crying. I can't even imagine. He said that's what happens when 18, 19, or 20 year old women have baby's that they can't care for and have no support. I have to say that it's not the crying that gets to me, it's the fact that there is nothing that I can do about it and she's obviously in pain. So why in the hell would you take the crying out on a child? It's not like they can do anything about it...they are crying because they're in pain! Ugh, makes me sick...

(Speaking of teenage mothers that don't care about their children) Guess what I'm doing next weekend? Taking Lily and N to the pumpkin patch. Yes, you read correctly...I'm taking N. It's a huge step for me, and I'm terrified that people will assume he's our child. It's very hard for me when people assume that he's mine. I guess because for so long I wanted him to be mine. He's my shadowchild, and I loved him like he was mine. Derick is leery, but the poor kid doesn't go anywhere. It's the least we can do, right? Let him pick out a pumpkin and then help him carve it...he deserves that and so much more. I love him, I do, but it hurts so much still...

Quote

2008-10-01T14:57:00.003-04:00

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

A moment in time

2008-09-28T18:08:00.003-04:00

I pulled to the side of the road, and parked. I was alone. Lily and Derick are home while I snuck away to the grocery store.

I found myself in front of the rose garden. It's pouring, so I stay in the car. Lisa's boys are here. The twins, their ashes are spread here. Take care of your mom, I say. She loves you, and she needs you to take extra special care of the little one growing inside of her. A car passes quickly. It takes everything that I can to not get out of the car. I don't have an umbrella. I start to cry, I miss my boys.

Dylan and Riley, I miss you. You would be so proud of your little sister but I'm sure you know her better than me already. She's 8lbs now and growing like you wouldn't believe. Please continue to watch over her. She needs you. I need you. I love you, I always will.

I drive away, slowly. Crying. Days like today make the grief come back and stronger than ever. It was hard to get out of bed today.

She's home

2008-08-27T23:09:00.003-04:00

We were completely discharged at 6pm.

We went through the monitor training. It's pretty easy, really...but a bit overwhelming. Especially for other people. But we'll get through.

Already Lily is off of her schedule. She was supposed to eat at 8 but played with her bottle because she was mostly asleep. So she ate at 10. We just put her down and she's lying there awake, but amazed by her crib aquarium.

Her monitor just went off. Derick was right there, and I ran it. She stopped breathing, but fixed herself. Whew! I'm a wreck...

I'm afraid to leave her in there by herself. It's not like anything could happen, but I'm afraid. I just want to hold her for the rest of my life. She has the hospital monitor and a sound monitor, but I still can't help myself. It almost brings me to the point of an anxiety attack and I have to take several deep breaths to control myself! Stupid, I know...

So anyway, she's home and happy! I'll post some pictures tomorrow when I get a chance. My mom is coming over in the morning and Lilo went to my aunts. She was doing alright, but really curious and it made a stressful situation more stressful. So she was happy to go in the car for a while. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss my PPD. I haven't seen a difference in the meds yet, but hopefully soon. Or at least having her home will help the situation.

Last post in a baby-free home

2008-08-26T23:04:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is the day. We waited all afternoon to see the doctor, and when he was about to leave for his haircut the nurse interupted quickly to ask why exactly Lily was still there. Have you had monitor training? Of course not! No one told us to take monitor training. That's why she's still here. Get the training tomorrow afternoon and she can come home tomorrow night.

If we hadn't asked, how the hell long would she have been there?!

So tonight is the last night alone, by ourselves, and with little confusion and lots of stress...

If you had asked me one year ago today if I would ever have a living child, I would have bet you a million dollars that I wouldn't. If you had asked 2 months ago if we'd have a baby in the NICU, I would have bet money on that too. But for whatever reason we've been given this incredible opportunity to have a beautiful little girl and for that I can't be thankful enough.

Yet there is still this pain in my heart...a missing link in our family...and deffinately empty space in our pictures. Other people can't see it, but for us it's there and it's impossible to ignore. Not a day passes that I don't think of all my children. Understandably, when I see little boys in the NICU my heart skips a little bit. Elija, today for example, stared at me for an hour at least. His eyes were wide open, and I wondered if he knew. Maybe he could see something that I couldn't see. Or maybe he wondered why his parents didn't come and visit...a topic that seriously distresses me. The pain is absolutely magnified by those who don't visit their children, or those who can't care for them and it's visible. Last week they actually had to call CPS because someone didn't pick up their child. Such incredibly beautiful, strong children...how could someone NOT pick them up?!

So tonight, on the eve of picking up my daughter and finally bringing her home, I can't help but think about my boys and your children. The one's that should be here, but aren't. I miss them...all of them. Your's and mine. But my heart and my home are finally filled with a smile that I can't resist. A joy and a strange sadness at the same time. But those are feelings that I hope you all can feel someday. Fill your homes with love and have a lot of patience. Good things happen when we are a little patient. Coming from me, the most impatient person on Earth, that is saying a lot!

Lots of love to you all and I can't thank you enough for your strength, prayers, and love. Lily has no idea how many people in this world love her already.

Spoke to soon

2008-08-22T22:10:00.003-04:00

I called this morning to check on Lily. They took her feeding tube out, and she's doing wonderfully. Except she had an 3 apnea episodes last night. All right after her eating, and all due to reflux. When there is an apnea episode, they need another 5 days before they can go home. So now we're looking at Wednesday.

As much as I said I wasn't going to get my hopes up, I did. And I'm devestated.

I don't want her to have a problem at home. It scares me to think that she might, but I also want her home and it's selfish of me...but that's how I feel. I keep trying to rationalize things in my mind. Derick knows infant CPR, we have a SIDS monitor, and they could send her home with a heart monitor.

So I called the nurse back, posed my questions and she said that Lily's apnea isn't severe. It's not like other babies and she would be better off waiting a few days than even going on a heart monitor. They started adding cereal to her milk to thicken it a little and she seems to be doing well there. When I fed her tonight, they started her on a new nipple and it was coming way to fast. She kept choking and actually stopped breathing and turned blue on me. I was terrified and I wanted to hand her over and never touch her again. I thought I killed her. But I patted her back, and rubbed her chest and she started again. It was enough to completely convince me that she needed some more time. Life does that sometimes. So we switched her nipple and tomorrow I'm going to bring in our bottles with a preemie nipple and see how she does with those. Hopefully that will help with the flow. We just can't get it right...

I was almost going to give up on pumping and breast feeding, but I talked to the PA tonight and she told me to give it some more time. So we tried a little, and Lily didn't really know what to do. It takes time, they tell me. So we're going to give it more time. I'm nervous though that she chokes more on the breast milk than the formula. It almost makes me want to switch to all formula just for that reason. But then I feel like I'm letting both of us down and I'm just not ready to give up yet.

So that's where we are now. Sorry to get your hopes up! Stay tuned...

Almost home

2008-08-22T00:45:00.004-04:00

We got the news today.

As we were about to leave the house for my mom's, my phone rang but I missed it. It was the hospital. My heart sank, and I dialed the voicemail to listen to the message. As it was ringing, Derick's phone rang...the hospital. He handed me the phone quickly, and I was starting to get upset.

Hello, Mrs. G? This is so and so from the hospital. I'm the discharge nurse.

Discharge nurse?!

I was calling to go over some things. Are you comfortable with a home nurse coming to check her weight and growth? Also, have they given you a date for her to come home? I'm calling because I hear it's going to be this weekend.

The discharge nurse SAYS this weekend?!

We'll go over everything before you leave, but be sure to bring her carseat tomorrow for her carseat check. I'll have some handouts regarding the nurse at her bedside waiting for you when you get there tonight.

Carseat?! Home?!

We don't have an absolute date and Derick begged me not to get my hopes up. So for now, I'm hoping that she'll be home by next Wednesday. We'll be pleasantly suprised if it's before that.

Is she going to die too?

2008-08-20T23:54:00.004-04:00

Becky can give her the bottle tonight, Derick says. He thrusts her into my arms. The nurse warms her bottle. I snuggle with her for a moment, and the bottle is done.

She's trying to suck on her shoulder's. She's hungry and lets out a wail louder than I've ever heard from her. I take the bottle, she opens her mouth and begins to suck.

Before I know it, the monitor goes off and her heart rate is dropping. I see the numbers drop, but it takes me a moment for it to register. Pat her on the back! You have to watch her, Becky! Derick yells at me. Up they go, up, up, and up. She's ok. For now.

She does this because she drinks to fast and doesn't take time to swallow. All baby's do it, they say, It's just that they aren't hooked up to monitors to see it.

I start to sob silently by her bedside.

What is wrong with me that I can't react fast enough when my baby chokes? What if she dies when she gets home because of me? What if I kill her?

I'm scared to feed her. Scared to hold her. Terrified of bringing her home.

Please God, don't let her die too.

~*~*~*~*~*~

She seems to have these 'episodes' more with breast milk than formula. She's getting about half and half through the day, each fortified with extra calories. Does she like the formula better? Is it because the breast milk is thinner and comes out of the nipple faster? I don't know where to find the answers. I want desperately to nurse her, but it's not as easy as you would think considering there isn't anyone to teach you when it's your time. They make it look so easy...the lactation consultant is on vacation this week and Lily will be home soon. What if there is no time to learn?

Just when I think the PPD has subsided a little, it hits me like a truck...

Lily's birth story

2008-08-15T22:54:00.003-04:00

I've finally got a few moments to myself and really reflect on her birth. I'm somewhat saddened that I don't remember it the way I would like to. I was in such shock at the moment that I didn't have time to reflect on what was actually happening. It will catch up with me in time, I'm sure, but right now it seems like such a blur.

Sunday August 3rd, I started to feel bad. Uncomfortable. Not myself. I thought I overdid it. Maybe I was constipated. Perhaps it was gas that I just couldn't pass. By the time night fell, I was uncomfortable tossing and turning in my sleep. I could not find a place to settle. By Monday morning, I was tired and restless. I still couldn't find comfort. I went to the bathroom. Not constipated. I took some Gas-X, no gas. Still uncomfortable. I laid around most of the day, but went out to dinner with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. At dinner, I started to feel really bad. I thought it was just pressure on my TAC. The doctors told me to expect that. So I took some Tylenol and hoped that it would help things a little bit.

By the time I got in the car, I was very uncomfortable. With everything going on in my family, I didn't want to worry my dad any especially if it was unwarranted. So my mom and I dropped him off and I told her that I wasn't feeling great. I called the doctor and he told me to come in.

When we got there, they hooked me up to all the monitors. They said I wasn't contracting. The residents did a pelvic exam and said that my cervix was closed. They did an FFN test, and said the results would be back in a few hours. Then they did an vag u/s. The resident was silent. She said that she couldn't find my cervix on the u/s screen. Then she said, "Oh, it measures 2.5cm." So I told her that it was 1cm shorter than what it's been my whole pregnancy. Well, she said, this machine isn't very accurate. It's just pressure, you can go home.

On the way home, the pain started to increase. Derick was waiting for me. I ran inside to use the bathroom and I was bleeding. I passed what I now know was part of my mucous plug. Derick saw me in the bathroom and saw the blood. He started to put his shoes on and said that we were going back.

So we got back in the car...

By the time we got to the hospital, my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and the pain was so bad that I couldn't stand. They took me right up to labor and delivery and into triage. My mom insisted that the doctor come in and that we didn't want to see a resident. They tried to find her heartbeat but they couldn't get it on the monitor so they brought in an u/s machine. Just like with Dylan. I started to freak out, panick, cry...I thought we lost her too. It was just like with Dylan. Then they found it. She was just moving to quick to catch it! Before we knew it, the doctor had come in and did an internal. He told the nurse that he could feel my cerclage.

They started terbutiline and then magnesium. They took my contractions 8-10 minutes apart with irregular strength. But they never stopped.

I finally sent everyone home aroud 6am. I was still in triage, but there was nothing that they could do and I figured they might as well get some sleep. It was going to be a busy day.

Around 8:30 am they took me to see the Peri. They put me in a wheelchair, and we went over. I got onto the table, they did the u/s and estimated her to weigh 4lbs 7oz and she looked great. She was tollerating everything well. The tech started the vaginal u/s and the doctor was speechless. Even I've never seen anything like it! My cervix was completely gone. It was just the TAC holding everything in. I thought that her foot had slipped through, but it was the amniotic sac coming through. I have no idea why or how it didn't break, but the TAC held it all where it could...like a dam. I asked about NICU because at that moment I knew that she was going to be born and the Peri said that they had one bed available. I asked him if he could put our name on it and he said, "Consider it done!" My mom walked into the room the moment he told the nurses to book the OR. I sat up, trying to get back in the wheelchair, and he wouldn't let me off the bed. So they wheeled me back to L&D.

I called Derick on the way and I told him he needed to get here now. He asked if he could take a shower, and the nurses said, "There is no time for a shower!" But he met us as soon as the doctor did. He got all ready in his scrubs, the OR was ready, and they wheeled us off.

The anistesiologist started the Epi and Derick came in shortly after that. They started cutting at 10:55 am and Lily was born at 11:03am. It was amazing. She didn't cry at first, but she peed on the doctor. What a suprise for a child of mine! They whisked her away and Derick followed taking pictures. Before they left for NICU they brought her to me for a kiss, and she was gone. She was perfect.

The doctor told me that when they took Lily out they heard a snap or a pop. She said that it was probably her clavical that maybe broke or fractured. By the time we got to NICU to see her, they had already done x-rays but didn't find anything.

I asked for a breast pump right away because I wanted to start immediately. The nurses weren't very accomodating for NICU mom's that wanted to bf. I was suprised, and somewhat dissapointed. They just came and dropped everything off with no instruction or anything. Finally I got a nurse that was helpful and helped with the horrible soreness. By the time she got to me the next day, I had blisters and was bleeding. It was terrible. Thank God that is over now!

The next day we headed to NICU. My brother and sister in law were with us when the nurse noticed Lily's arm. She was diagnosed with something called Erb's Palsey. She has no feeling from her shoulder to her elbow and cannot move her shoulder. She can move her elbow, wrist, and fingers on that hand but it's just not as strong. There is a chance she can grow out of it because nerve's regenerate themselves, but she could require surgery. We've since found a specialist at Shriners Children's Hospital in Philadelphia and will be taking her there regardless. We won't know much until she starts to develop a little and use it. Derick still has a little bit of denial surrounding it and I've been researching like crazy. It's typical during a vaginal birth and shoulder distocia, but not with a c-section and a tiny baby.

I'm suffering a bit from PPD. The circumstances are just not what I thought they would be. My head knows that the situations are different, but my heart still says that we left the hospital without a baby AGAIN. So I'm having a really hard time with that. The doctor gave me something to help, and he set an appointment for the end of the month to go over everything. I told him about the Erb's. He wasn't the doctor that delivered, but he is my doctor and I trust him. His mouth fell open, and he kind of stuttered "But she was tiny...and a c-section..."

Hopefully we'll have more answers then...

So that's Lily's birth story. It's not perfect, but she is. If anyone knows anything about Erb's, I'd love to hear what you think. I also want to say that my TAC did not fail. So if anyone is facing that, that is not what happened. According to the doctors now, it was straight PTL. I was just unlucky.

Emotionally drained

2008-08-12T22:58:00.003-04:00

Some week...

My aunt lost her battle with cancer early Monday morning. She passed away at home, and from what I know, in her sleep. She had fierce determination, and even showed it as she was slipping away. We're hanging in there...but it's hard.

Lily is doing very well. She amazes me every single time that I see her. Today she is a week old. I'm exahusted going back and forth to the NICU. We see her in the morning, and then I come back at night to check her weight, give her a bath, hold her while she's eating, and kiss her goodnight. If I can I try to stop by in the afternoon. Yesterday she started sucking on a pacifier, and by the time we got there this morning she was sucking from a bottle. Not a lot, but it's incredible progress. The suck reflex isn't something that typically appears closer to 34 weeks. She might be home sooner than later. Dare I say, the next 2 weeks or so?!

It's been such a strange, emotional week. The Circle of Life. It's how things work, right? My family tries to comfort me by telling me that. I would much rather see Lily in my aunts arms. Lily has the same fire that she displayed. She has that same fierce determination. She's a fighter. Just like my aunt.

I'm thinking now of my aunt's wedding day. I have little recollection. But what I do remember is standing in the driveway, all dressed, looking at the horse-drawn carriage. The decorations were exquisite, the dress was extraordinary, and my aunt was beautiful. I remember when she brought her first born daughter home from the hospital. I watched carefully over the changing table as she changed her diapers. We baked cookies together. Every year, dozens and dozens of cookies. She taught me how to sew. Together we made a blanket for my grandmother when she was dying of cancer. My grandfather gave it back to me after she passed, but it kept her warm when she was undergoing treatment. She was overjoyed when I was pregnant with Dylan, but sadly she backed away after we lost him. She didn't call and I became angry and hurt. I have no doubt that she's found them, and she's holding them in her arms as we speak. I miss her already, but I'm still in shock. The last week has been full of ups and downs, and I'm just...done.

Lily has arrived

2008-08-10T08:07:00.004-04:00

Introducing...

Lily Rylan born screaming August 5, 2008. 4lbs 5oz and 17 1/2in long.

It was a stressful week. I'll post her birth story when I can, but she's healthy and happy. She's in NICU and will be there for probably 4 weeks, but she's healthy and alive and that's all that matters. We were finally able to hold her for the first time yesterday, and it was horrible leaving the hospital without her. I can't help but think of the last time we left the hospital empty handed, but it's not the same and I have to remind myself when I have moments of panic. The nurses are so good to her and we can call or visit 24hrs a day.

She's been under lights for jaundice for the past 2 days, but hopefully today she'll be off. Yesterday she was off her CPAP machine and is completely breathing on her own. I've never been so proud. I just want to tell every person that I see. My baby is breathing on her own.

It's going to be a long 4 weeks, but so worth the wait.

Thank you all for your support and your love. I could not have done it without you. And in case you are wondering, my aunt is still holding on. I'm not sure what she's waiting for, but she was able to see a picture of Lily and according to my mother, she smiled for the first time in weeks. Everyone said goodbye to her yesterday, and I'm not sure how her night went but I haven't heard anything yet. It's almost as though Lily had to come early to save the rest of the family from so much heartache.

Little updates

2008-07-23T22:09:00.003-04:00

First, thank you all incredibly for your kind words. It really means a lot to me that you are thinking of us so much. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you all so much.

Lily and I started our NST's on Monday. Everything went really well but she was asleep and it took longer than they thought for her to accell like they wanted. The nurse put this vibrating thing on my belly and it woke her up. Actually I think it pissed her off...but whatever. Her heartrate started to go up the way it was supposed to and that's all that mattered. If she's afraid of electric razors as a child we'll know why...

At our 29w appointment with the Peri, she weighed 3lbs 2oz and is growing right according to the charts. She's still breech, and her face is towards my back. My blood pressure is still ok for now, but we're still keeping an eye on things. No protein or anything. We scheduled the amnio for September 4th to check for lung maturity. IF the preliminary results come back good that day, and the final results will be in the following day...she could POTENTIALLY be born on September 5th. So in my head, that's how it works. As far as things will go when we actually get there...who the hell knows! I'm holding on for the 8th or the 9th at the latest. I'm afraid of her being born on the 11th so we're just not going to go there. But we're getting there...slowly but surely.

On Monday my aunt went to the doctor and they told her that her liver is failing. The doctor said that she had 'weeks' to go, but I'm not sure it's going to be weeks. My Bro and SIL went today to see her and she was so out of it that she didn't really know who they were. Derick and I are going tomorrow. She asked Heather if her husband was still there...it killed my brother. And when he kissed her cheek and told her that he loved her, she stared into space as if she didn't comprehend what love was. My uncle says that it's the result of the medicine, but she wasn't nearly like that last week. She's still on the same pain meds and the anxiety meds haven't changed...but I guess they gave her stuff for hiccups. If that can make her not recognize people, then maybe. But I don't think that alone would make her forget who my brother is. Any thoughts?

Anyway, Derick and I are headed to my other aunts house tomorrow for a few nights. She's on vacation and we'd be closer if we are needed. I think we'll be there until Saturday and then head back there again sometime next week. The good news is that we'll have cable and internet access since we don't have it at home. If you've emailed me and I haven't gotten back to you, I appologize. But I read everything.

Thank you again. I couldn't imagine facing all of this on my own.

Conversations

2008-07-17T14:32:00.003-04:00

"How is your day today?" I asked as cheerfully as I could.
"Ok. The nurse came today, did Mom tell you?" she asked.
"Yup, Mom said. What did you think?"
She shrugged her shoulders and patted the bed next to her. I sat.

"Is the baby moving a lot?"
"Yup most of the time."
"Is she moving now?" she asked as she reached for my belly. "No," I said, "But maybe with the right touch she will." No movement, but she rubbed and rubbed. "Tell me her name again." she said. "Lily Rylan." I replied. "Rylan...that's a pretty name. Where did you come up with that?" she said. "Our boys. Dylan and Riley. We put their names together to get her middle name. We figured that we wouldn't have made it this far without them." I answered and there was a short pause. "When I get there, I'll give them a kiss for you."

A moment passes.

"Do you think it hurts to die?"
"I know it doesn't hurt to die. There is no way something so peaceful could be painful."

Silence...

"Who's going to take care of the kids?"
"We will." I said. "I promise they will be taken care of."
"Sometimes you might get frustrated with Lily," she said, "but try not to scream and yell to much. Think about it before...ask yourself if it's worth the argument. What about Kevin? He's going to alienate himself."
"We won't let him. I promise that we'll help him do whatever it is that he needs."

Silence again...

"I'm afraid it's going to hurt to die."
"Nope. I'm sure it doesn't hurt to die." I said quietly. I couldn't tell her that the cancer is going to be painful. They will make her comfortable, that I know. But there is absolutely no way that the act of dying is painful.
"Just think" I said, "if the girls are dating someone that you don't like you can always show up at the foot of their bed. Just don't show up at the foot of mine!" She laughed a good laugh. I haven't heard that from her in a long time. "Yeah for the first time in my life I'll have complete control of them!"

"I'm getting tired." she said finally.

Mom and I got into the car and cried all the way home. It's going to be soon. She's doing and saying what she needs to do. According to the nurse, we'll each probably get one more good visit before things change drastically. I need to remember her laughter. I need to know that she'll take care of Dylan and Riley there and we'll take care of her children here. We're both mothers, afraid to leave our children. But with shitty circumstances...

Rapidly changing

2008-07-15T12:55:00.001-04:00

"Will you give Lily a kiss for me?" my dear aunt asked my mother.
"Of course." she replied, "I'll kiss her everyday for the rest of my life for you."

Things are chaning very quickly with my aunt. If you recall, she was diagnosed in March of 2007 with stage 4 colon cancer. It has since spread to most of her organs including her liver. My mother is trying to prepare us. I hoped (wishful thinking maybe) that she would be here to meet Lily. But that does not look like the case.

My mother and SIL threw us a baby shower on Sunday. It was beautiful, and very peaceful. Although I had mixed feelings about it, but that's for another post. Anyway, my grandmother pulled up and my aunt got out of the car. I held back the tears, as I held her and she cried in my arms. She was so frail, but so happy to be there. We helped her to her seat, gave her some lemonade, and she asked if I could open her presents first. She was upset because she intended to make something for Lily, but could not finish it. So instead her daughters went out and bought her some pretty dresses and lots of books. It was perfect. She left about 30 minutes later, and we found out yesterday that she was so exahusted after she left that she fainted when she walked through the door. She's ok, thankfully, but it was to much for her.

My mom urged me yesterday to see her. She said that if there is anything that I need to do or to say to tell her. I'm sad that she won't be here to see Lily, but I'm incredibly happy that she'll be starting a new journey and will be able to hug and kiss Dylan and Riley and send Lily on her way when it's time. So what do you say to someone who is dying? I want to ask her to hold the boys and tell them that we love them deeply. But they know that. You might wonder how I know that they'll be together. If you remember that weird dream I had about my grandmother a few months ago, I have no doubts anymore. I know there is *somewhere* that we go, but we never return. I want to tell her what my grandmother said in the dream. That dying isn't painful and that she will go to sleep in wake up in a miraculous place. I want to tell her these things, but how? What do I say? How do I say it? She's been asking my mom about if she thought dying was painful, and I want her to know that it's not. It can't be. If it was then I'd have to admit that it was painful for the boys, and I'm willing to bet it was much more painful for me than it was for them.

There is also a large part of me that wants to protect my grandparents from the reality that their daughter is going to die. I don't want any person to feel the pain that I feel, and although I don't particularly like them sometimes...I do love them and I don't want them in that much pain. I've experienced a miniscule amount of what they are going to go through and it nearly killed me. I'm not 80, and my boys were not in their 50's with children. I want to protect them from that pain. On an upside, my grandmother spoke with a nurse yesterday at the oncologist's office who told her flat out that there is nothing more that my grandmother can do for her. She was feeling helpless (we know that feeling) and she was feeling like she should be able to protect her daughter and take care of her by holding onto her, feeding her, and trying to mother her back to normal. Feelings that we are all to familiar with. It's just that with cancer, unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done at this point. It's to far. So hearing from the nurse that it was ok for her to let go was incredibly healing for her. Speaking with my mom, I explained how not knowing that can kill a person. If someone had told me, looked me in the eyes, and really told me that there was nothing I could have done to save Riley and Dylan I know without a doubt that it would have made things easier. I would have been able to let go, put and end to the sentence, and move on from there. While it was hard to hear, it opened her up to cry and come to peace with some things.

Today they are meeting a home health nurse to care for her. It's a relief from everyone because my grandparents don't have to make the 40-min drive each day on a perfect schedule, and my mother gets a break. My uncle can work a little from home, and her children aren't tied down. It also gives her someone to talk to when we can't answer the hard questions.

Please, if you have some to spare, keep us in your thoughts or prayers. My computer is down at home so I'm here at my mom's waiting for her to come and get me to go over. I'll try to post as often as I can, but unfortunately the situation is going to get worse before it gets better. The next few weeks are going to bring unfortunate changes in our family, but thankfully we have a lot to look forward to come September...our saving grace.

Pregnant after a loss...part 1

2008-07-07T22:01:00.002-04:00

I've been writing this post in my head for weeks. I will save it as a draft and undoubtedly go back again and again to make sure that it's right before posting it. It's a topic that is dear to me, and that I hope many of you can benefit from. At the very least, you'll know that you are not alone on this ride. While I'm at it, I would like to recommend this book To Full Term. It's a book, I believe, that anyone who is thinking of becoming pregnant or is pregnant should read. It's a memoir of a mother with four losses. One at 8 weeks, 13 weeks, and then twins at 20 weeks. She suffers from an incompetent cervix and factor V. Throughout the book she flashes back to the delivery of her twins. It felt as though she was writing the book for me. As though she was in the delivery room with me...holding my hand, whispering in my ear. Truly amazing.Anyway, I really hope that this benefits you all...some. I feel like after all we've been through, the least I can do is let others know that they will make it. Life seems to come to a stop, and trying to get it moving again is hard, to say the least. It takes time, patience, love, and grieving to get things back up and running. "They" say that it takes the average couple 4 years to come to terms with a pregnancy loss. It takes a lifetime to get over it. I can say, being 2 years out from loosing Dylan, that the pain has lessened. It's still there for sure, but it doesn't cripple me anymore. Certain things still hurt, and I don't think that will ever change.

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Deciding on whether to TTC again is the hardest part. For us, we knew that we couldn't not try again. Our lives would not be complete without another child. For others, though, I know that the decision is not that cut and dry. It's a difficult decision that both you and your partner need to discuss even if it's painful to hear the answer. It's especially difficult if there is a chance that it's more likely to happen again, as with IC. It's also more difficult if you had certain health problems that would inhibit your health during another pregnancy. When Dylan was born, it was traumatic for me for obvious reasons, but Derick had an especially hard time because I couldn't pass the placenta and as a result my blood pressure dropped so low they had to give me medications and blood transfusions. It was terrifying for him. He thought he was going to loose his son and his wife all in the same day. Sometimes it's easy to overlook those feelings because we often don't think of our partners as much as we should. Grief is selfish.

If you decide to take the leap, the only way to get through it is to close your eyes, say a prayer, and jump. There is no other way around it. It's going to be scary. Terrifying, really. But once you are there, I can promise you that it isn't as bad as you think. We were lucky in that both with Riley and with Lily we got pregnant on practice cycles. I know, I know, we are probably the only people in the world that have practice cycles.

Often times, though, it isn't that easy. I wish that I knew how to address those concerns, but I don't. I only know that it's a cruel, cruel world when you've worked so hard to bring this little person into the world, you loose them, and then it takes longer than expected to bring another little person here. It's just not fair. There are no other words.

Many people ask how they know if they are ready. I have a few opinions, and maybe you don't agree...but this is my blog! First, make sure that you are able to say the name of the child that you lost out loud. DYLAN MICHAEL GIBSON and RILEY JAMES GIBSON. It's one thing to say it in your head, it's another to read and write it on paper, but if you can't say their name out loud you need more time. That is obviously different for every person. Some people will be able to do that immediately and some will take longer. Second, make sure that you can both handle TTC again because it could take longer than expected. I've seen so many women in so much pain because TTC is taking longer than it did the first time or with their angel. On the other hand, you may have tried for months to have your angel and the next time get pregnant on the first shot...which was our case which made it bittersweet when we expected it to take months. And third, be sure that you are emotionally ready to handle another loss. This one is big for me because I was not ready to try again so soon after loosing Dylan. It had only been 4 months and my life was not back to any scope of normal. Derick didn't want to try again, but was afraid to tell me because I was so deeply depressed. My life stopped when we lost Dylan, and it never started up again. So when we lost Riley it was as if the galaxy collided and we were standing in the center. It was catastrophic. Unfathomable.

The bottom line is that I know the desperation to become pregnant again. I've been there, twice. That primal urge to have life inside of you again is indescribable. Sometimes, though, it's best to wait out

My doctor also told us that he suggested we 'look into alternatives.' Meaning, he didn't think we would be able to have a child biologically. It took months of soul searching to come to the conclusion that we were ok with adopting. I understand it's not the answer for everyone, but for us we went from being completely against it and waking up the next morning searching the web for adoption agencies nearby. It was literally overnight. I still can't imagine my life without adopting a child, even if Lily get's here safe and sound.

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I have another post in mind for when you do take the leap...surviving the first trimester. I'll get to that one soon, but if you'd like to add anything to this please feel free. I felt the need to write it as I see to many women unsure about things after loosing a child. Maybe it will give you some direction, or at the very least, make you feel less alone.

Acceptance

2008-07-01T16:54:00.005-04:00

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, and if you guys are tired of hearing about it I completely understand. I just need to work this out in my head, and on paper or whatever. It helps that way...

My life is brilliant. My love is pure. I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true.

We left the doctor's office on March 1, 2006. Blissful. We had just heard the most precious sound in the world. The sound of Dylan's beating heart. I clutched the picture close to me, afraid that I would wrinkle it or it would get lost. We stared at it as we walked to the car. I cried, Derick cried...he was speechless. The picture showed that of a tiny baby, the love of our lives. They said he was the size of the tip of Derick's pinky finger. Unbelievable that we could love someone so much. Derick started up the car, and the song played on the radio. It was Dylan's song. I cried, listening to the song, staring at the picture for hours...dreaming. Our lives were perfect.

Then something went terribly wrong. Not long after we listened to the same song, in the same car, only this time we were on our way home from his funeral. It was Dylan's song. Our song. Breathless...speechless...hopeless...we carried on with our lives the only way we knew how.

Fast forward- December 13, 2006

We left the hospital, terrified. We were going to loose that baby too. The cerclage wasn't scheduled, no one was doing anything. Why weren't they doing anything?! Why weren't they trying to save our son?

The water broke, terror sets in, again. We rush to the hospital, they tell me that maybe the sack will repair itself. They pushed me off until the following day. The emotional impact of him being born on Christmas day would be unbearable for the rest of my life. December will never be the same.

Fast forward again- July 1, 2008

I'm sitting here thinking. Thinking about what could have/should have been done. And I realize now, there was NOTHING that could have been done. Nothing. Nothing.

Riley was going to die, and there was nothing that anyone could do. Not me, not my doctors...not even God.

From a medical standpoint, at 14 weeks with a cervix that short and contractions there was nothing that could have been done to save his life. It was just to early. If I had been closer to 20 weeks, he may have had a shot. It would have been a long and hard fight, but it would have been an opportunity at life. Not at 14 weeks. Not even a cerclage could hold him in there for 10 weeks. Should they have given him a chance? Absolutely. But I understand their hesitance to do drastic measures. They knew...I just didn't know...that there was nothing that could have been done. To them, it was just another 'miscarriage' and to me it was my life. My son. It was my hopes and dreams, my future, and my saving grace.

I accept that, now. It wasn't until I was given the incredible chance to love Lily that I was able to achieve acceptance. Two years it took and so many tears that I can no longer cry over trivial things. A year ago I didn't think I would be here...7 months ago, I didn't think I would be here. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life griefstricken, but in reality...I'm not. I'm incredibly grateful to have my boys in my life. They taught me some of life's greatest lessons and for that I am a better human being. But I'm also incredibly grateful to be able to pass those lessons onto Lily. I have the opportunity to make her a great human being, to teach her profound lessons of life, and to love her unconditionally until the day that I join her brothers. For that opportunity, I have no words.

So you see...acceptance is a part of the process. I didn't want to accept things, and I fought it for a very long time. Now that I'm here, it doesn't mean that I love Dylan and Riley any less or that I love Lily any more. It's just that I'm here, and I can't go back. I smile because I'm happy, not so that other's think I'm ok. I laugh because I mean it, not because if I didn't other people would know something is wrong. And I cry for my sons, not because of grief, but because of everything else. Because of the hole's in my heart where they should be and the deffinate absence of them in our pictures and in our home. Because I loved them so much that I had to let them go.

Not as bad as we thought

2008-06-26T13:51:00.003-04:00

So first, the good news....NO MORE INCOMPETENT CERVIX!!! We graduated!!!! Yay! I was giddy with excitement when he told me that he didn't need to see me anymore for cervix checks. It's been steady, and today was actually the longest it has been at 3.6cm. I had a spring in my step when I got out of the car and ran up the steps to tell Derick the good news. I haven't ran in a while : )

They did a level 1 today and she weighs 1lb 14oz and she's measuring right on track at 25w6d. She's smack dab in the middle of the growth spectrum, which was great. He said that the fluid level is wonderful, and the blood flow is "almost supernatural"...those were his exact words! So he was really thrilled with that. It's one concern with high bp and pre-e.

They took my bp and it was 140/78. We discussed a lot about it and he explained that with typical pre-e or PIH, your bp can change drastically. It will go from very high or high, to normal or even low within minutes. So now we understand why they were so concerned. No one explained that to us. He also said that he's not sure he recommends meds because it just helps a symptom but not the problem. The problem is still pre-e, not high bp. So I would really rather not take them unless it's a do or die situation. I told him that my mother had it, and that there were other risk factors that I had. He asked my mom if she had GD and she said that she had it with me. Haha, that was news to me...so there's another risk factor. She had pre-e with my brother and possible GD because he was 10lbs 4oz, and deffinate GD with me. He is anticipating that I'll have both, but that it's nothing to be more concerned about. He said that typically they go hand in hand and I'm certainly not the only person with both. The good news is that the pre-e won't let her get supersize (that's what I call my brother) and the GD won't let her be overly small. We talked about the steroid shots and he's not anticipating them anytime in the near future. Sometime after 30 weeks probably. He then said that if I have GD, the shots can make my blood sugar shoot up so they will do it in a controlled environment and I'll be in overnight.
Otherwise, he recommended 24-hr urine every week and that a home nurse come in everyday and check my bp, dip my urine, and look for swelling or any other signs.

So it was NOT nearly as scary as yesterday. We're deffinately looking at 36 weeks and possibly 34. But not like we thought yesterday...we still have some time!!

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank God

Not so great appointment

2008-06-25T17:18:00.004-04:00

The MA came in and took my bp and it was 150/100. I brought my little cuff and took it and it was 134/88. I was really upset. The doctor said that he'd rather take my reading, but that he wants to see me twice a week until delivery. I was finishing up my 24-hr urine test so hopefully we'll have the results of that later this week.

But we talked about the status of things. He wants to put me on meds, but I'm worried about the potential risk to the baby. He explained that it's tricky because high bp puts a tremendous strain on the baby, but bp that is to low isn't good either. I'm just nervous about it, I guess. I hate taking anything that could potentially hurt her. Derick asked about when we could schedule the c-section and he was very reluctant to say anything. He said that he knows that if we schedule the c-section it won't mean anything because there is no way that she's going to be born then. According to him today, when we get past 28 weeks every week counts. He also mentioned that he feels badly that we worked so hard to keep her in with the cerclage and that she's going to be coming earlier than expected anyway. So goes life, though. To me, she's much safer outside my body than inside. He told us today, with more certainty, that it's very likely she'll be born before 36 weeks. Last week he said very probable. Today it's likely. I just don't know what to think. Derick is so scared, and he's not talking as much as he should. He said that he wanted to hear from the doctor that everything will be ok with Lily but he was so overwhelmed that he forgot to ask. I'm afraid, but I have an overwhelming feeling that things are going to be ok. Like, she'll be ok...we'll be ok in every way...that she's the miracle that we have been waiting for our entire lives. It just has to be ok...people don't go through this 3 times.

I also asked somewhat jokingly if I was his highest risk patient. He went on to say that since he's affiliated with the hospital he has to take high risk patients, not that he would turn us away anyway. But private OB's have the right to turn people away for being to high risk. He said that there are CERTAIN patients that make him nervous and that he has to stay on top of his game for. Not only for obvious reasons, but he needs to sleep at night knowing that he's giving his patients the best care. So I assumed he was talking about us. We make him nervous, lol. That's why he's being so cautious.

So I go to the Peri tomorrow and he wanted me to explain the situation and that he's seeing me 2 times a week and to request the steroid shots. I guess they have to give them to me, I'm not sure. They will then determine when the best time to give the shots will be, but obviously the sooner the better. It's funny though. I spent so much time researching extreme prematurity that I don't have all the answers to Derick's questions about 'regular' preemie's.

I also spoke with one of my best friends that works in a hospital and also lost twin boys in December. She said that she really thinks they will admit me into the hospital for a while before they deliver. Like it will be a last resort to do the c-section. At least with the TAC in place it's not like I can really go into labor on my own and with the progesterone I'm not even having BH's. So she really has no way to go but to continue baking. Unless there is something wrong of course, then I'd rather a NICU stay.

We're also starting to get nervous about things. I feel like I should buy some preemie clothes and just keep the tags and the receipts so we aren't caught off guard. I don't want to bring this all up to my family because they have so much on their minds and I just don't want to add to the stress. My mom keeps saying that I'm asking for trouble whenever I mention her coming early anyway. She's got so much on her mind between worrying about us, taking my grandfather back and forth to his doctor's appointments, and helping my aunt come to terms with her cancer. Speaking of that, I'm really worried that my aunt isn't going to see Lily before she dies. Then I think I'm selfish because she won't even come close to meeting her own grandchildren. But maybe Lily needs to come early so that my aunt can die in peace. I know that it's something that's on her mind because she always asks my mom....so I don't know...maybe I'm just being me.

Anyway, that's what's going on with us. I'll update when I know more tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get the shots within the next 2 weeks or so because I think it'll make a huge difference. I keep teasing Derick that she'll be born around his birthday (August 19). He told me today that he's ok with sharing his birthday now, lol.

Not complaining

2008-06-02T19:13:00.004-04:00

I hope in my last post that I didn't sound like I was complaining. I'm not. I'm grateful for everything that life has brought and taken from us. We've been through hell...but without those times we wouldn't have the good times. Without the horrible things that have happened we wouldn't be able to appreciate the little things that we love.

I had once hoped that someday I would be able to complain about trivial things. Finally, I think I'm able to. At least for the time being, I guess. I have horrible heartburn and sciatica that makes it difficult for me to walk at times. However, the physical pain that we go through is not even close to the emotional pain we've been through. I would take it any day...bring it on!

My mom asked me yesterday why I never complain. She asked if I'm ever scared. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless for the first time in a long time. She said that my dad was wondering, and then she asked if I ever cried...because she hasn't seen me cry. Of course I'm scared, and of course I cry but just like any other mother, I would do anything to protect my children. In the large scope of things, the TAC was nothing. I would do it every week for the rest of my life if it meant saving the life of my daughter. I'm fortunate, I suppose, in that I know I've done everything that I can. If something else happens, it's officially out of my control. There is absolutely nothing more that I can do. I don't complain because I'm truly fortunate to be where I am. To get this far is more than a dream come true.

So maybe my mom thought that I was just being strong. If only she knew that I'm not that strong of a person. I cry like other people cry. It's just silent tears. For if people knew exactly what made me cry they would probably say that I'm weak or strange or God knows what else. Even Derick doesn't know all the time. Maybe even he'd think that there was something wrong with the feelings that I feel. Maybe there IS something wrong with the feelings that I feel...but they are me and I'm sure they are you. You all cry about the same things as I do...the same thoughts and regrets and love and hurt and pain that I feel. Grief is not discriminating.

A mistake?

2008-05-28T13:58:00.004-04:00

I've seen so many women lately on an October expecting club that I lurk on that are starting to develop IC or complications surrounding it and cerclages. Their cervix's typically measure between 2.2cm and 2.7cm at about 20 weeks. Their doctors have either placed a cerclage and are on bedrest or just on bedrest. So why then, when my cervix measured 1.9cm at 14 weeks with Riley was I not put on bedrest or told to curtail my activities at all? That's a good 6 weeks before they started to have problems, and almost a whole cm shorter than their cervix's.

I've been thinking lately about requesting my records from the Perinatal Center surrounding Riley. I have always felt that there was something missing in the picture but am unable to put the pieces together. I feel like I might not ever be able to get through the rest of my life without knowing. Yet logically, I know that it won't change things and it certainly won't bring him back to us.

I spoke to Derick about it today over lunch. He thinks it's going to be a mistake. That it will open a can of worms that we will never be able to put a lid on. He also said that the best case scenerio is that we'll see what we've always suspected. And the worst case is a bit worse than that. He's concerned that it will make me angry again after we've worked so hard to let go of that anger. He's also concerned that it will make me sad and says that he doesn't want me to go through that...or put Lily through that. So what do I do? Is it a mistake to request them?

I wish September were here

2008-05-23T21:34:00.003-04:00

I can't help but want to go to sleep and wake up in September. Or ok, like the song goes, "Wake me up, when September ends." Lily will be here, safely, and we'll be starting to adjuse to our new lives. We'll feel joy again. It's been so long since joy's even been a part of my vocabulary. I can't remember the last time. Probably when I heard Dylan's heart beat for the last time. That was joy, but I don't remember the feeling. I seemed to have blocked it out of my mind. Maybe it's a good thing, but damn do I long for that feeling again.

She's moving around a lot now. I wish that Derick could feel her. Then he'd know her like I know her. I want him to love her like I love her. Although judging by the clothes in her closet bought by her dad, I know that he does already.

Here's something fucked up...if she dies now, we'll recieve a certificate of stillbirth or something. At least she'll be stillborn and not just 'miscarried' vaginally through hours of hard labor, pain, and undeniable grief. Maybe she'll even live for a little while, and at least we'd be able to see her chest rise and fall once. Maybe we could get that lucky. Or we could be like that girl who lied about her baby's gestation and told the doctors that she was 23 weeks when in reality she was only 21. Maybe Lily would have a chance then.

If Derick read this, which he probably will, he'd be upset with me for even thinking those thoughts. But what else can I do except wait for September to come?

Maybe I'll get really lucky and go to sleep tonight and wake up when September's gone.

Wow, 2 crazy posts in one day! I'm on a roll

3 weeks

2008-05-23T17:59:00.003-04:00

I'm starting to go crazy here. I'm so close to being at viabilty, but it seems like it's so far away. The coveted 24 weeks is something that I've only dreamed of, and I feel like something is going to happen...something MUST happen in the next 3 weeks to end this ride that I've been on.

I woke up this morning horribly bloated, and now I'm worried that I'm leaking fluid. I'm not, I checked and there is nothing coming out, but my mind keeps going there everytime I feel the *normal* pregnancy discharge. I'm a bit constipated, and like I said, bloated and I keep thinking that those are contractions. I've laid in bed for a while with my hand on my belly waiting for a 'contraction' that never comes. The logical side of me says that I went to the doctor this morning, and she was fine. Yet the irrational side of me remembers the girl at group crying while telling me that she lost her baby because of the doctor that I saw today. It's a group practice, and while I LOVE my doctor I have to see all the doctors before I can go back. Today is the first and last time I'll see that doctor. In fact, I didn't even want to see him to begin with but I knew the rules when I became a patient there. I left feeling like I didn't get anything accomplished. Usually, my doctor brings me right into the u/s room to make sure that there is no funneling. To give me piece of mind, to see her move, and to watch her heart beat. This doctor came in, used the dopplar, felt my uterus, asked if I had any questions and didn't really answer the questions that I had and left. It took about 10 mins total and my doctor schedules 30 full minutes with me. Sometimes he even has to fit me in so he schedules me for his lunch period just so that he can see me. I hate that doctor, I won't see him again...he overlooked the other lady, what if he overlooked something today?

I can't stand these feelings and lately I've been really positive about things. But I'm just scared. God, please just let me make it until 24 weeks. If Lily needs to come then, I can handle it. But I can't handle not having her with me at all. I'm to attached, I love her to much to loose her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That was me, yesterday. I am feeling a bit better today, but still petrified. The pain I was feeling yesterday was around my incision, I though. But then I realized that it was actually my cerclage. Three different doctors have warned me that I'll start to feel more pain the heavier she gets. They were right, I guess. Derick reminded me last night that they said it was normal and nothing to be alarmed about. By the time last night rolled around I was checking for fluid, worried about the pain, and my hips hurt so badly that I could barely walk. Add to the fact that the nurse jammed the needle for the progesterone into my hip and I thought I was going to die. Miserable. I went to sleep and woke up at 12:30 this afternoon. It was a nice sleep...uninterupted with no worries. Sometimes we all need that, I guess.

Today I'm thinking that I can make it to 22 weeks. Hell, that's only a few days away. If I can make it to 22 weeks, I can do 23. And if I do 23, it's only one week away from 24. Maybe I can make it, but not rationally it seems. You would think that with all the doctors that I see I would feel more confident by now. Sometimes I do, yes, but other times I just can't help it.

At the OB yesterday there was a women, 36 years old and 38 weeks pregnant. We overheard the nurse calling the hospital to let them know she was coming. Apparently the baby had been moving irradically and the baby's heart rate was 220. Hopefully they did a c-section. I'm sure they did, but the OB wasn't fooling around. It was nice, really, as so many of us have been overlooked. I really just hope that her baby is here safely and I don't see her at the next group meeting. I don't think that helped my frame of mind.

Things today, better. Not great, but better.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T14:23:00.003-04:00

Today has been so bittersweet so far. Today is the 2nd anniversary of Dylan's funeral. That seems cruel, doesn't it? I've been so down about this week and thankfully it's almost over...

I awoke this morning to Derick standing over me with some roses and a tiny stuffed animal, a card, a magazine, and some Sweedish Fish. I read the card, cried, and he held me for a while. Lilo had been eyeing up the tiny stuffed animal since the moment he walked in the door. Guess what she's playing with now? Talk about spoiled...

How has your Mother's Day gone so far? Ok, I hope. I wish you all peace today and always. I have a favorite poem, that I wanted to share with you today.

Oh Mother, my Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.

Love, your child

Happy Mother's Day to all.

Irony

2008-05-08T16:32:00.003-04:00

Two years ago today.

I should be celebrating Dylan's 2nd birthday, but instead we visited the cemetary. I'm saddened to say that there are two freshly dug graves just to the side of them. We brought balloons to them, and Derick demanded that we get one for Riley too. We don't want him to be left out, he said, babies don't understand birthdays and getting something for one and not the other. We got a cute firetruck one for Dylan for his birthday and a dog on another that said missing you for Riley. Then we got two latex balloons, one blue that said Happy Birthday, and a plain red one and we let them go, high up to heaven. Derick asked how long I thought they go up before they burst. I replied simply, they don't burst...they go to heaven!! We cried a little, but for the most part it was ok.

No doubt it's still extremely painful, but we've accepted things. We are ok. It's amaizing what 2 years can do for a person. Today, a day that I never thought would be ok, is.

Derick unpacked the boys scrapbooks the other night. In Dylan's I had written:

You made such a profound impact on our lives that I can't imagine what you would have done for everyone else. I never knew that someone so tiny, and who I have never seen take a breath, could make such an impact on my life. You taught me so many things, but most importantly, you taught me how to love. So if there is anything I can pass onto your little brothers and sisters, it's how much you loved us. You loved us so much and knew that we loved you that you felt it was ok to leave.

You were perfect. Our perfect little boy. Your tiny fingers and toes and ears and a nose. It was just amazing. I still can't believe that you are a part of me. You took a big part of my heart to heaven with you, and I can feel the emptiness there. But if makes me feel good to know that you have it, waiting for me to get to heaven. We will be a family again, I promise.

The Irony, I guess, comes in the fact that we bought a crib today. I never in my lifetime ever thought that I would buy a crib. We've come so far, lost so much, and hope for a life that is ours sgain.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I will love you until the end of time.

You don't give up, do you?

2008-05-04T00:56:00.003-04:00

We spent the evening with my Dad's family. They have not been very supportive of us since we lost the boys, and sadly they aren't much more now. My Dad's sister has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and has decided at this point, it's best to stop chemo and live the rest of her life the best she can. Today was my grandmother's birthday and the whole family surrounded her. We had to take a family picture, with my aunt in attendance. It's not the last time we are going to see her, but I guess my grandparents are afraid that it could be the last time that everyone is together. One uncle is in NYC, another in Norfolk, VA, and yet another in Washington DC. So it's not easy to get us all together...especially her grandchildren.

At dinner my grandfather started grilling Derick and I about how we are paying our bills. He doesn't get that I can't work at the moment and any type of work would be disasterous for my dissability...and that's not a risk we can take right now. Derick started a new job and is working each and every weekend so we can get caught up on things. It's double-time on the weekends, so it helps a lot. But he wanted to know EXACTLy why Derick isn't getting a second job. It's aggravating, really. He's not paying our bills...in fact, he hasn't even called to see how we are. Eventually he got distracted and got up, my grandmother sat down next to me. She went on to say that my cousins IC have nothing to do with me. She basically made me feel like I'm all on my own...a freak of the family...a woman that can't carry a child. My uncle's partner sat down on the other side of me and proceeded to as how I was. I told him, and then I told him that I was pregnant again. The words out of his mouth blew me away.

"Again?! Boy, you don't give up, do you?"
"No Sebastian, I don't give up. And certainly not on THIS!"

He got up and walked away. I couldn't believe it, and my grandmother heard the whole conversation. She's the one who keeps telling my parents that I should stop and enjoy the life that I have with my husband. I know she has a lot going through her mind right now, but what can't she get about our situation?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On another note, we've finally decided on a name: Lillian Rylan

It's the only name that both of us can agree on. We'll call her Lily, and Rylan is both of her brother's names put together. We've been getting obscene comments on it, but we answer with a smile, "Oh, well it's funny you have an opinion. You didn't consult us when you named your children." It's quick, easy, and effective : )

So sad lately

2008-04-28T11:34:00.003-04:00

I have so much to say but each topic deserves it's own post. So I'll post 3 times today, hopefully.

I've been missing the boys something fierce lately. I've been having some really bad days. Snapping at Derick, no ambition to do anything, and sleepless nights. Last night I even cried myself to sleep. It was the first time in many, many months.

While I'm extremely grateful to be the most pregnant than I've ever been, I'm terrified that if we give her a name and imagine what we will do with her it will make things even harder when we loose her. What if we've come so far only to loose so much?

Dylan's 2nd birthday is in 10 days and no doubt that is the catalyst for my sleepless nights. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It seems like an eternity without my firstborn. I would have died for him...if only they had given me the option. Everyday I'm reminded of Derick's cousin's baby boy born just 3 days after Riley's due date. Would Riley be walking sooner than Nathaniel? Would he be laughing uncontrollably when you tickle his ribs? Nathaniel's first birthday is coming up soon, how am I ever going to make it through that knowing that I should be planning the same for Riley?

Why oh why am I in so much pain when I should be celebrating the life inside me? I feel ungrateful or selfish or a bad mother because I'm thinking of my boys and not my little girl. I expect at every single appointment that she is gone, and each and every appointment I'm pleasantly suprised when she's not. How long is this going to last?

The weather, no doubt, has a lot to do with it too. When it's sunny, I'm happy and upbeat. But rainy days like today and the weekend just bring me so low. Yesterday at my mother's house I feel asleep on the couch. I awoke, somewhere between sleep and awake, and my boys were by my side. How do I know this? Every single hair on my body was standing straight, and I felt two very distinct little souls with me and had a feeling of love wash over me twice...two seperate times. It seems that is when I feel them the most, the state of being awake and asleep. It's as if I'm connected to them at that split moment aware that I'm not unconscience and that they are there as if they had never left. They are my sons, committed to watching over us and their unborn sister. They are my tiny boys for whom I will always love.

Maybe this IS going to work?!

2008-04-17T17:05:00.004-04:00

This is the week. Our first milestone.

Somedays I'm afraid to even move, and other days I feel so confident that I sail through my days. I go from being afraid to even move to doing regular household chores (modified a bit of course).

It's almost baffeling really. I know the other shoe should have dropped already, but it hasn't. And why hasn't it? Is this REALLY going to work?

We went to the Peri today. My cervix is long and closed measuring 3.5cm. I'm amazed, today. And I really think that we'll make it on to 18 weeks. Then, I guess, we'll re-evaluate things again.

The best part of the day....

IT'S A GIRL!!

We can't believe we are going to have a little girl! Derick is a bit nervous, and when I close my eyes I dream of frilly, pink...things! Everything pink. It's going to be disgusting, I know. I'm appologizing to myself and the baby as we speak.

I can't believe we've made it this far without any problems. We have her u/s pictures, and as I was looking at them I realized that the only other u/s at 16-17 weeks that I've seen of my children showed them dead or dying. That was obviously the farthest thing from this little girl's mind.

One more week. That's all we have to do and then we are going to be home free...

Ramblings about Tater

2008-04-11T16:20:00.003-04:00

I realize that I'm leaving some of you hanging about Tater. To be honest, I was a little leary about writing a lot about this pregnancy. I'm afraid that if I blog to much about it I will not only jinx myself, but maybe some people don't want to hear about it. Especially those that are new in their grief. And I know that it's my blog, and I can say what I want...but I can't see myself writing post after post about a baby that might not come home. And while I don't want to determine the fate of Tater at this time...let's be honest, it's right around the corner.

Last week I saw the Peri for my first cervical check. He admired the placement of the stitch, and the baby looked great. Although a little sleepy, if I may say so myself. His/Her heartrate was 154 and I have to say that it's been in the steady 150's which again leads me to believe that Tater is a girl. The boys were steady in the low 140's. Anyhow, my cervix measured 3.4 and I nearly fell out of the chair. I've NEVER had a cervix that long. In fact, that's almost the length of a normal person! I was stunned. My mom cried, and Derick and I feigned excitement. I know that we should be excited about it...it's good news. But still so hard to believe.

Yesterday I saw my OB. He did another u/s to see the baby and give me some piece of mind. He won't measure my cervix because he can't give me as accurate a measurement as the Peri. And if he measures shorter for whatever reason, he doesn't want to give me any added stress. Anyhow, baby looked good still. Cervix was closed with no funneling. With Riley, I had almost completely funneled at this point. That should be better news, right? Wrong. Not for Derick and I. We are still convinced that in 2 or 3 week's we'll be headed to the hospital with our lives shattered for the third time.

Fortunately, I think...maybe...the OB doesn't want me to go back to work until 24 weeks. He said that if things continue to be stable he will release me sooner, but as of now I'm out for another 9 weeks. He doesn't want to take any chances, and I agree. But I still miss my friends at work and I'm lonely here at home.

Derick is released for regular work on Monday, but he doesn't have a job to go back to. So he's desperately trying to find something. Anything. He even spoke with his stepdad who ownes a Landscaping company and he's willing to pay Derick under the table until he finds something. At least it's work, but not nearly what he wants to do. I just called unemployment for him and the girl said that he should deffinately file for benefits so I'm going to urge him to do that when he gets home. But he's starting to feel the pressure, and there isn't anything I can do about it. I just can't believe that we went from what he was making last year to this. The job market here is so bad that most places won't pay more than $12/hour. Let me ask this, how in the HELL can you support your family on $12 or less per hour?? My job is good and stable, thankfully. I carry all of our insurance and handle all of our long term finances, but it's still not great. And to tell you the truth, as much as I love my job and the people there, when/if Tater comes I'm thinking of looking for something else. The bottom line is that people our age need to go where the money is. And if I can find something, anything, that pays more than what I'm making now...that's where I need to go. I have many good skills and I adapt well in different work environments. In fact I was even thinking of going back to school for drafting. I love Architecture (ok it's a freakish passion of mine), and I studied Architecture/Interior design in college. The thing that is holding me back, though, is that drafting/Architecture is a male dominated market. I could possibly be the only girl in the class, and from my experience before in school (and the reason I stopped going) is that the teachers don't want to teach women.

I spent my hour out of the house today at the Mall. But it wasn't like other trips. By the time I found a parking spot it was far away and by the time I got to the door I had to sit down and take a rest. By the time I got close to Motherhood Maternity, I had to sit on a bench and take a rest. I got two t-shirts there and then browsed around The Disney Store where I found nothing. On the way back to the car I passed Sadie's where they take those beautiful children's pictures. When Tater get's here, I'm going to get his/her first pictures there. I want a naked baby wrapped in a bow. In black and white, and the only thing in color is the bow.

Really, all I want out of this life is a naked baby wrapped in a bow. If all the baby does is cry, it will make everything that we've been through worth it.

Is it better NOT knowing?

2008-03-28T14:39:00.003-04:00

My mom saw old friends of ours this week at work. I haven't seen them since highschool as we all went our seperate ways. But we were close...just not anymore. Their mother was saying that her oldest daughter is getting married in 2 months, it's stressful. Her mother passed away last month, and last Friday her youngest daughter came home...pregnant. Approximately 5 months along, and they are a very strict Italian-Catholic family with a good community standing and a strong family structure. She cried, while telling my mom, and she said that her husband sobbed...sobbed like she has never seen in their 30+ years of marriage. She acknowledged what we have been through, and mentioned that the biggest dissapointment is that their daughter didn't feel it neccessary for any prenatal care. So she is going today to her first appointment.

So for me, it begs the question...is it better to NOT know what could happen and go through life happy, or is it better to prepare yourself for things that could go wrong? They say that knowledge is power, but is it always? I started researching possible problems when I was pregnant with Dylan. I was obsessed that something was going to go wrong and as it turns out, my intuition was correct. Maybe I should have followed blissful ignorance? Perhaps I would have been better off...or at least slept a little more soundly.

It just seems to me that women who go through a pregnancy without prenatal care walk away with a full heart and full arms. They don't seem to have to go through the horror of leaving the hospital with a little box and a teddy bear. Maybe they have just as many problems, but it sure doesn't seem like it. And I am thoroughly convinced that Derick's cousins little boy has some residual problems from no prenatal care...but also no parental care. He stares a lot, is slow with his motor skills, and doesn't seem to giggle and coo as much as other 9 month old babies. But is that from not having care while in the womb, or not being stimulated enough by his mother as an infant?

What do you all think? About blissful ignorance, I mean.

Here's Tater

2008-03-21T19:36:00.006-04:00

These first two pictures are of the TAC. The first picture is showing where the band is. The white lines are the nylon band. The second picture is showing my cervical measurement. If you can see, the cervix is the line going from the center to the top right of the picture. Just days after the surgery, my cervix measured 3.05 cm. Fantastic considering before, unpregnant, it measured 1.9. Typically the cervix 'grows' after the TAC is placed because it is so high up.

These next two pictures are of Tater at 12w. The first is his profile shot and the second shows him waiving his arms and legs. He's growing beautifully and is measuring right on track. My cervix is completely closed, and the band is only 1cm from the baby! To those of us with IC, that's very significant. It means that basically there is no room for the cervix to funnel, or the cervix cannot open from the uterus out. Vaginally, the cerclage can only be placed so high up and it typically leaves a lot of room for it to funnel. So the fact that it's so close to the baby is great news.

All this makes me think...maybe this will really work?

Dear Dr. Dick,

2008-03-20T16:45:00.004-04:00

I saw you today. You probably didn't recognize me. But I know you. You killed Riley. You let him die. And you don't care. In fact, you probably don't even know that you killed him.

I hate what you did to my son. I hate what you did to my family. You ruined me as a person. You made me distrust everything that I once trusted. You made me a bitter, angry human being. A person that I wish I didn't know. And once again, you don't care.

I've got news for you. You will not know our baby this time. You won't touch him/her, and you'll never lay a finger on my body. You don't need to know that I have a TAC this time around, that I put myself and my baby through this surgery because you didn't act fast enough with the vaginal cerclage. You don't need to know that everything looks really good with the baby, and with my cervix. And you certainly don't need to know that I'm even pregnant again. You won't see happy pictures of us, and you won't ever look into my baby's eyes or touch it's soft hair. You won't see it's chubby cheeks, or it's pink skin...you won't even hear it's breath.

You took that away from me, Dr. Dick. And for that I can never forgive you. You robbed me of the life I was supposed to have with Riley. You took away those moments that every mother dreams of...and you don't care. How many other dreams have you taken from mother's just like me? Because I know you crushed Lisa's. You robbed her of her life with Brandon and Matthew. Do you know that? Do you know what you've done to us?

I'm angry, I'm bitter...and I still have a lot of hatred. I don't ever, ever want to see you again. And if you can't tell by the angry eyes I gave you today, then you are much worse off than I thought.

I hope that you sleep well at night knowing what you've done to us.

Update

2008-03-18T10:29:00.003-04:00

I'm finally able to sit at the computer for an extended period of time to write an update. I appologize to everyone that was waiting for one...

I got my staples out last Wednesday, and the doctor examined my incision. He said that everything looked really, really good and then he insisted on doing an ultrasound. I think it was more to see the TAC than to see the baby, as he excitedly pointed that out on the screen. But regardless, all was well with both. He then went on to tell us that the hospital that I will be delivering at has 4000-5000 babies born their each year making it the 4th largest delivery center in the state. Then he explained that he has been in practice for 15 years, and it those 15 years he has only see 5 abdominal cerclages! It was really interesting to hear, because I knew it was rare but had no idea that it was THAT rare. He also mentioned that there aren't many because most people just give up after a second loss, and he commended me for not doing that. Although, I can certainly understand why people would give up. I'd be lying if I said that the thought hadn't crossed my mind. However the need to have a child of my own strongly outweighed the fear of things going wrong again. And if it happens again...and only if it happenes again...I'll really believe that things happen for a reason. That I'm just not meant to have my own biological children. But God knows that I have a renewed faith right now. I don't know how long it will last, and I don't know that I'll always feel this way...but I'm confident. And it feels good for right now. I'll let you know how confident I feel around 15 weeks though : )

Anyway, the recovery has been going really well. My mom has pretty much been here every day taking care of things for us. Making meals, cleaning up, and doing laundry. Derick still can't do much with his finger, and after going to the ER Saturday night we thought it was infected. We went to his doctor this morning and he's scheduled tomorrow for surgery to remove the tip, but the doctor said he's going to do what he can to save the fingernail.

My incision is healing really well. The steri-strips are starting to come off, and it's healed pretty much. I think that the scaring will be minimal, which is nice. But let's be honest...it's not like I'm going to be wearing a bikini anytime soon! I still have mild pain, but it's not to bad. At first I felt like something was wrong because I've been very sore below my belly-button. But then I figured out today that it might just be trapped gas. The doctor also explained the other day that when Dr. Davis did the surgery he needed to move all of my other organs around to get to my uterus which causes some irratability with them. Things are bruised and a bit swollen, but completely normal. At least I'll know what to expect with the c-section!

Derick loved reading your comments, and he couldn't believe how many people cared. So thank you all for that. He's been checking my email and reading my messages aloud to me.

So now I'm off...my mom is coming over to take me out to lunch and to Target for a little while. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get one of those motorized carts though. That way I'll be more comfortable. My body deffinately tells me when I've done to much!

We're home

2008-03-10T13:24:00.005-04:00

It was a long weekend, and although everything went pretty close to the plan, there were still some bumps in the road.

We packed up the car and left Thursday afternoon to get to his office for an ultrasound and to fill out the consent forms. The receptionist that checked us in wasn't very plesant, but she asked if this was my first and I explained to her about the boys her tune changed a bit. She then explained that he always fits people in without telling her which results in her schedule getting messed up. Understandable, but in no way related to me. And most certainly not my fault. Anyway, they took me in pretty quickly and did the ultrasound. The baby looked great, moving around some and the heart rate was 171! We were so happy to see that little flicker, and to know that the surgery was a go.

Our surgery was scheduled for Friday morning at 7:30 am so we had to be there early. We left our hotel at 5:30 to get to the hospital at 6 for check in and everything. Luckily we were one of the first peole there and slid right through pretty quick. They took me in and started the IV, and then they called Derick in to say goodbye. I was a blubbering fool! I couldn't stop crying, and the nurse lovingly explained to him that I was emotional and it was because of my hormones...try not to read to much into it. But I felt so bad. I was so scared, and I didn't want to scare him anymore than he was already. But I couldn't stop crying. We got into the next room where they checked all of my vital signs and the anesteiologist (?) came in and met with me. I explained to him that I was nervous about being awake and he calmed all of my fears. He explained in depth what I would feel with the spinal and that the hardest part was keeping my mind calm. He explained that if I kept my mind off of pain or anything related to the surgery, I would be fine. However people that can't differentiate the two in their mind have a very difficult time. So I took his advice, and we went in to the OR. It was cold, and it was small. The nurses there were so very nice, and they held me as he inserted the catheter in my spine. It hurt much less than the IV that they had started, and soon I was unable to feel anything from my rib cage down.

Before I knew it, the doctor had started cutting. I could not feel a thing pain wise, but I could feel him rearranging things and moving the skin around. It was strange, but not painful. Then he did the ultrasound. Right on my uterus. That was really cool, as the baby was so perfectly happy (well I'm assuming) and not stressed at all. He assured me that the tied the band the tightest, and then he started to sew me back up. As he was doing that, the spinal block started to wear off and I could feel them. Not bad, but not really comfortable. It was a dull ache, but I'm kind of glad that it wore off so quickly. I don't like the feeling of not being able to move my body.

Then I was in the recovery room...for an hour. The spinal wore of mostly, and I was talking to the nurses there who had ironically taken care of my cousin the week before. It was nice to chat with them, and then she explained that she has IC too. Her and her husband made the difficult decision not to have another child after their son was born healthy and alive. It was just to hard for them. So they adopted their daughter, and finally felt as though their lives were complete. Interesting. I think I'll always remember her.

Soon they announced that I could go up to my room, and when I got there the nurses were very nice again. Most of the people that I met were compassionate and had seen so many cases just like me come and go. So it was nice, you know, not to feel like a freak. But still, there were quite a few people that came in asking if I had a girl or a boy or who my baby looked like just because they assumed that I had a c-section. It was difficult to explain, but then they just stopped asking. My family got there quickly, but I was in quite a bit of pain. When I talked to Lisa Friday night and she said that she would update, she said that she needed to hang up with me because the morphine was making me slur my words. Lol! Derick said he noticed the same thing, as I was not quite myself.

By later that night, I was in a lot of pain, and by Saturday morning they had me up and moving. It hurt, like hell, but when I started walking it started to feel better. I took a shower on Sunday before leaving, and was the first time I got a chance to look at the incision. It's 8-10 inches long and stapled. I was suprised that it was that big, but then again...I'm a big person. So it's probably why. Derick helped me in the shower, washed my back and places that I couldn't reach...what a husband! He's been helping me go to the bathroom each time since I got the catheter out. He's been so great.

Sunday afternoon the doctor came back in and took us for our final ultrasound. The baby was kicking and moving his/her arms and legs so fast we couldn't get many good pictures! And the doctor showed us what the baby looked like in 4d, even though it was pretty early to see much. But we could see his/her eyes and nose and that was priceless. Everything looked perfect. The heartrate was 180bpm and s/he was thriving. My cervix measured 3.05cm of functional cervix, as opposed to 2.0 on Thursday. Everythig was perfect. But still no attachment. A perfect baby with parents that are afraid to love it.

We spoke to the doctor about our fear of attachment. He said that nearly 100% of his patients feel that way. It's difficult, but we aren't alone. He said that from his own experience we will become more and more attached after we are able to trust that things will go right this time. For some that is after the loss week, and for other's it isn't until they are about to bring the baby home. But nevertheless, we will at some point, become attached.

So we're home and sore, but happy to be here. Lilo is adjusting well to her new spot at the end of the couch next to me, and Derick is adjusting well (sort of) to his role as caregiver. My mother has never been happier in her life to take care of me, and most of our family is just as supportive. There are still a few, of course, but at this point there is nothing I can do or say to make them change their minds or opinions. So it's not worth it. We've decided to let them go, and be happy with our lives. Because that is what is important. That is why we are putting ourselves through all this physical pain...for joy and happiness again.

Thank you all again for your nice comments. I'm so glad that I have such a loving family here in blogland.

An Update On BABY NO WAY OUT..........

2008-03-07T22:04:00.003-05:00

HI all,

This is Lisa Beckys Friend She asked me to post an update for all of you... She had the cerclage placed this morning and everything went fine. Her cervix is shut and from what the Dr. said nothing is coming out of that cervix. I spoke with her a little while ago and she sounds tired but good. I will post again tommorow with more news. By the way Tators heart rate was great and the baby looks good.

Lisa

Here we go...

2008-03-06T09:52:00.002-05:00

I can't believe what I'm about to do. I can't believe that I'm putting myself through so much for a person that I don't even know yet. But it was never a thought. It never crossed my mind not to. This is the way that I'll have children. And it's the only way...so you do what you do, right?

I'm anxious to get going, but terrified at the same time. My stomach is a mess today, I could hardly keep anything down. It's probably just nerves, but it's not what I need right now. Hopefully we'll get to see Tator today, and hopefully everything is good, although I'm sure that it is.

I will try to update as soon as I can, but I might not get home from the hospital until Monday. So if I can't update when I get home, Derick will for me. I'll just dictate to him from the couch : )

Love you all so much, and thank you a million times over for your support!

Opperation No Way Out

2008-03-04T13:37:00.003-05:00

3 days and counting.

I can't believe it's almost here. Time is flying by. I never thought that I'd make it to 10 weeks already and here I am. I really thought that I wasn't capable of having a living child.

And here I am. Opperation No Way Out is going just as planned. Can you believe something is going as planned *knock on wood*? For once, things are on schedule and going in our favor.

Dr. Davis placed the TAC on my cousin last week as an emergency rescue at 19 weeks. Everything went beautifully, and her little girl is thriving. It brings me such hope. He is also thinking about doing a case study on us. Her sister lost 2 babies and had a 26 weeker, and with my issues...maybe there is a hereditary link after all. Maybe our babies did't die in vain. Maybe there is some greater good to come out of all this.

It's still very difficult for me to think that things will work out this time. Everyone else is very optomistic, in fact my mom has started saving money to buy a crib. But I still can't shake the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. After what we've been through, maybe I'll always have that feeling. But I'm more optomistic this time. It's a different baby, a different doctor, and we know how to fix the problem.

I just have to keep reminding myself that good things do happen.

What a week

2008-02-23T10:33:00.003-05:00

I had another appointment on Tuesday. Everything went really well. It was with the nurse, but she went over everything that I needed to know before I even had a chance to bring it up. She said that after the TAC is placed, they will do weekly ultrasounds to monitor everything. Her and my doctor both agree that the progesterone shots are deffinately needed, even though my old doctor said they were unneccessary. She wants to start them at approximately 14w instead of the usual 16 and that the people that will come to our house and administer them weekly will also check for contractions and the fetal heart rate. So that will be kind of nice! With them, I have an appointment scheduled for March 18th, and then a level I ultrasound scheduled for March 20th with the Peri. She advised me to call the day of the appointment though because there are only 2 doctors on that day. The good one, and the one that killed Riley.

H0wever, I'm starting to get nervous about things. At this point it's been almost 2 weeks since the last ultrasound and the heartbeat, and still 2 weeks until the TAC. I can't help but think that the baby died and I don't know it. I'm sure that's not the case because a missed miscarriage isn't all that common. But I'm still nervous about it. And I'm afraid that it's just going to get worse as time goes on. One week at a time...one week at a time...

And then, to make the week better...Derick called me Thursday morning early. I almost ignored the phone and then I realized that it must be important because he doesn't usually call that early unless something is going on. I answered and he said, "Meet me at the ER. I hurt myself, bad." I freaked out, expecting that because my babies die, that something terrible is going to happen to him too. So I threw my clothes on, drive to the ER and when I'm on my way, he calls to see where I am. He's crying at this point, and he keeps telling me that he loves me. Now I'm really scared.

I get there, and come to find out that he almost cut his finger off. He works with steel, and apparently they kind of folded in on his finger and pinched it. It was cut from his top knuckle to his fingernail. The nail was basically what kept it attached. Originally they thought they would have to take him into the OR to reattach all of the nerves and stuff. But the doctor came in and said that he would be able to just stitch it back together and regardless of doing it in the OR or not, there would still be nerve damage. He also fractured the bone, and bruised the rest of his hand.

So now here we are...

We can barely take care of ourselves. The house is a mess. I'm so stressed out about everything...the bills, the baby, the surgery, Derick, keeping up with the housecleaning, the dog...everything. He's in a lot of pain, but doesn't like to take the pain medicine because it makes him groggy. He's sleeping now, and when I looked over Lilo had offered him her stuffed animal to sleep with. I'm sure that he didn't even notice, but she put it under his arm to snuggle. Haha! I tried to take a picture, but when I came back he had apparently noticed and pushed it away!

I told him that it's so nice of him to be so concerned about my surgery that he's hurt himself so he can take care of me later : )

I miss them

2008-02-16T15:50:00.003-05:00

I took out the boys things last night. I haven't touched them or held them in a long time. I looked at their pictures...and I remembered that the pictures don't look anything like them. I looked at their noses, and their toes, and little ears. I miss their little noses. I had forgotten what they looked like. What kind of mother forgets what her children look like?

I had forgotten that it was impossible to tell if it was the weight of the blanket or the weight of them when I was holding them. They were so tiny. My tiny boys...how I miss them. I got that familiar ache in my arms again. That heaviness in my heart. I have it now as I type this. My chest aches for them to be near me. I had a dream the other night that I was breastfeeding them. Like if I just kept feeding them, they would be alive because it was me that was keeping them alive. And in my dreams, when I have them of babies...more often than not the babies look just like them except pink and alive.

I touched Riley's foot molds. I traced the arch in his foot, inspected his tiny toes...I miss those toes. God what I would do to see those toes one more time.

Here I am blessed with one more chance, and all I keep thinking about are the chances that I've missed. I was thinking this morning about what it would be like to bring home a living baby. One that cries because s/he needs me as much as I need them. And I can't see anything but tears. Maybe because that's what I'm used to. Endless, body consuming grief.

I gotta go now, my old familiar friend Grief is knocking at my door.

TAC scheduled!

2008-02-14T21:32:00.003-05:00

Dr. Davis called today to schedule the surgery. It's set for March 7th!

Thank God! I feel such a relief to have a date set. It's going to be a big weight off of our shoulders once that's done and over with. He said that I'll probably be in the hospital 2-3 days. So maybe I'll be out that Sunday, but it's doubtful.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Since Monica asked about Tator...I'll explain : )

Derick and I were at the store not long ago. We were walking through the frozen food section and I said, "Oooh, Tator Tot's." Let me make it clear that I don't usually care for tator tot's. They remind me a lot of the school cafeteria. So it was unusual for me to want to eat them. So Derick teased me and said that our little Tator needs a Tot! And that's how Tator came to be known as Tator.

And possibly we've settled on names. You know, just in case we need to know sooner than expected.

Brady Matthew
Natalie Rylan (Elizabeth, Elenor, or Sara)

Rylan is Dylan and Riley's names together. We had wanted it to be a middle name, however it doesn't go with much. Derick thinks it should 'go' with everything : )

He just suggested naming the baby after the dog. Ay, it's going to be a long night.

Update

2008-02-13T13:16:00.003-05:00

Sorry for leaving you all hanging!

It was a crazy/scary week.

Monday I came home from work and was cooking dinner. Derick was at the fire house doing training. I felt a trickle, and I knew it was blood. But I finished cooking dinner because I was afraid of looking. I went in the the bathroom, and I had bled through my jeans and it was going down my legs. There were lots of large clots, and the toilet water was red with blood. I wiped, and there was another large clot. I was terrified! I started crying uncontrollably, and got sick to my stomach. Then I had an anxiety attack...and then I called the doctor. She said that it sounded like I was miscarrying, and that the cramps will increase and it could take 4-5 hours or days for the process to complete. Derick came home and called his mom and she said that she remembers the cramps like doubling over in pain. But I had no cramps. The bleeding had stopped by 12am, and by the following morning it was just brown spotting.

I called the doctors office and they got me in at 9:45 am but we waited and waited because they fit me in. The doctor came in and he was great. He did the ultrasound and he said to the nurse, "Do you see what I see?" and she said, "I see a hearbeat!" Derick said he knew right away as soon as he looked at the screen, and I kept thanking God over and over again. My mom cried. Of course. I was afraid to bring her though because I didn't want her to get there and there be no heartbeat. It was so traumatizing and I didn't want her to go through it. But since she had orginally taken the day off, I didn't want her to waste it.

So little Tator is just fine and settled happily for a long haul. The doctor gave me the go ahead to schedule the surgery and he checked my cervix and it was nice and closed. But he warned me not to take to much from it at this point. It still made me happy though : )

Thank you all for your kind thoughts....we are so lucky to have you thinking of us!

All my love, always!

Fear

2008-02-11T18:05:00.001-05:00

What am I so afraid of?

Some people are afraid of death, some people are afraid of life, some people are afraid of loosing everything or everyone that they have....and some people are just afraid. Maybe that's the catagory that I fall into.

I'm afraid that something will happen to this baby. I have no reason to think this. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping or anything out of the usual, but I'm just afraid that something will happen and I won't know it.

We have our first appointment tomorrow afternoon. She's going to go over everything, and then have the ultrasound. I wish they could do it the other way around. Do the ultrasound first because what if there is nothing else to go over? My mom is going with me. I want to be so happy for this baby, because really, everyone else in my life is. They 'feel' that this is the one. They know that things will work out because people don't loose 3 babies.

A very good friend said to me yesterday, "I'm so excited for this baby." I told her that I understood. And she said, "No, I mean really excited. Like can't sit still, starting to plan the shower excited." She was there for me when I lost the boys. Her mother is my mother's best friend, and we've been close since we were 10. She cried with us and for us, and her and her mother would call and say, "Be ready at 2, we're picking you up." She didn't give me the option to bow out, because if she did I would have gladly stayed in my bed. But there was no choice. And if I didn't answer the door, they would come in and get me. If I wasn't ready, they'd wait for me. And it was her mother that rescued me from the cemetary when I was to weak to drive myself home. Sitting on the bench, she held me while I cried. She answered me when I asked what I had done so terrible in my life to deserve such pain. She listened to me when I was desperate, and comforted me when I had a breakdown that day...alone...in the cemetary. They were there with me every step of the way. And for my family...my mother...

So knowing that they are behind us, is a great feeling. Everyone is I suppose. They are so hopeful, so why am I so afraid of being hopeful for myself?

Because the rug was pulled out from under me once...and twice...I'm afraid for the third time. I bought some new maternity clothes. That's a step in the right direction, maybe. And I even bought some long sleeve Carter t-shirts for baby...they were $3.30 for 2 in a package. I bought a few...pink, blue, green, and yellow. They were so cute, and so perfect. I bought them in a 9 month size. Perfect for this time next year, if we get there.

As I drifted of to sleep last night, I whispered to the baby "I will not let you down..."

My Friend

2008-02-06T11:46:00.001-05:00

In the begining of December, my mother called and sounded sad. I asked her what was wrong, and she skirted the issue a little making small talk and putting things off. Finally, after she was satisfied that I was alright, she continued.

"Remember I told you Carol's sister was pregnant?"
"Yeah, I remember...with twins?"
"Yup...well she's at the hospital. She lost baby A at 20 weeks. They are hoping that they can
save baby B."
"Oh no. My heart breaks for her. Keep me posted."
"I will. Carol called me and she said that if anyone would understand it was us."
"Oh geeze, Mom. Tell her to tell her sister that if she ever needs to talk..."
"I will."

I hung up and told Derick. He said that we should send them a card. I told him that we didn't know them, but that we will pray for them to make it through.

Two days later, December 4th, my mother called again to say that she lost her second son.

A few weeks later I had a message on my blog from a woman that lived near me. She explained that she had just lost her sons due to IC, and she noticed where I lived. I emailed her, and she wrote back. I saw my mom that night, and I asked her if Carol's sister's name was Lisa. I explained the story, and how it was fate that we meant. Our little boys brought us together, and we have been pretty close ever since. She was the one that suggested that I might be pregnant, even when I didn't want to believe it myself. She's comforted through my worries, and I hope that I've comforted her when she's needed me.

But I've noticed lately, especially after I called to see how she was two months later, and I'm sure she's probably reading this now...but I'm afraid for her. I know what it's like to pull away and isolate yourself after your loss. I know how freightening it is, and how sometimes you want nothing more than to hide in bed all day. And it's not something that each person does consciously. It's something that just happens. But I don't want it to happen to her. I desperately want for her to come through this...because there is light at the end of her tunnel. When Derick and I talked about it, I had hoped that it had nothing to do with me being pregnant again...as I know that pain all to well too. There are to many nights that I can count where I have cried myself to sleep knowing that "So and so is pregnant and I'm not..." It's killed friendships that I had, and it's made me think terrible things about people that I love so much. And if she feels this way...I understand. I understand those tears and that heartache.

Anyway, Lisa has become a great friend to me when I needed it more than anything. I used to ask God, through my tears, for someone to talk to. And I found it...or I should say that she found me.

So if you are reading this...know how much you mean to me always. You are the answer to my prayers, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Neither here nor there

2008-02-04T13:08:00.000-05:00

I feel like a wacko today. I feel like I'm worried over the craziest things, and to other people they are insignifigant. Does that make sense?

Right now I'm worried about keeping the baby in. That is my focus. I understand that I could loose the baby to any number of things, however my biggest concern is keeping the baby in.

Everything is going along smoothly

2008-01-29T12:55:00.001-05:00

The doctor called this morning with the result of my third hCG. It went up to 426. She said she's very pleased and everything is progressing wonderfully. So I'm happy, although I can't wait for the first ultrasound.

I spoke with my mom last night and I think I've realized why she's so afraid. She doesn't understand why I would put my life on the line for this little baby (who she doesn't even know, really) to have this surgery. I told her that I needed to take the risk, and if God forbid something were to happen...well, it would happen. She's having a hard time understanding this concept. We know the risks, they are small...and don't include danger to me really. But anything can happen. It's still a major surgery. Derick and I have talked about the risks, and it's so small that we are willing to take it in order to have children.

She also told my dad. He's worried. Typical. He always worries about us. That's what he does. We'll be fine though, I'm sure. And if not...at least we are together.

So I've just got to bite the bullet and tell my brother and sister in law. They are perhaps the most judgemental people in my life. So it's not going to be fun. Regardless of whether I tell them or my parents do, she's still going to talk about us behind our backs. That's just what she does. Just got to bite the bullet I guess.

I put a call into Dr. Davis (the TAC specialist) and hopefully he'll get back to me soon. I'm anxiously awaiting a date for a safe landing.

I think this one's a keeper

2008-01-28T10:42:00.001-05:00

I think, and I don't want to jinx myself here...but I think this one's a keeper : )

My hCG went up to 103 on Friday. So it more than doubled. She sent me back this morning, and hopefully things will go up again some more!

I'm going to call Dr. Davis this afternoon to tentatively schedule my appointment for the surgery. I'm anxious to get it scheduled so that I have something to go by.

And I'm going to make my prediction now and not that I care, of course...

But I say girl.

I forgot

2008-01-27T11:20:00.001-05:00

I had a good post in mind, but I forgot what I was going to write about. I've been doing that lately...forgetting...I think it's the pregnancy brain. I forgot to put my car in park the other night, and I only realized it when it started rolling towards the car in front of me. Then I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair when I took a shower last night. I don't remember locking the door when I leave for work, and I when I get there, I have to write everything down otherwise I'm asking people the same information they've already given me. I don't ever remember it being this bad before, but it must be a good sign.

Yesterday I felt like crap. ***TMI*** I almost threw up a few times, and by almost I mean that I could taste it at the bottom of my throat and threw up a few times in my mouth. That MUST be a good sign.

I think the bean is doing well. I hope, at least. The doctors office called Friday night to let me know that she couldn't get the results then but will call first thing Monday morning with them. I fell pretty confident now. Nature has a way of reassuring you that everything is alright. My breasts are sore, my stomach hurts, and nothing is appetizing. All those must be good signs!

Monica H left me a comment on my last post about worrying. She said that when she was pregnant with Sam and Jack she never found out until she was like 6-8 weeks along. I thought about it, and remembered that when I was pregnant with Dylan and Riley I refused to take a test until I was about 6 weeks. It was a lot less stress and things just seemed to go quicker. At that poing there was already a heartbeat, we could already see them on the ultrasound, and the 1st trimester was half way over. This time, however, was different. With the boys I didn't get a postive on a HPT until much later...if/when I tried to test around 10-16 dpo it was still negative. That's why I'm so suprised that I got a positive now. However, since I'm so crazy this time and because I have to have the TAC placed, I wanted to know ASAP.

I'm NEVER going to know this soon again : )

Derick and I talked yesterday, and we both agreed that this is very stressful on us both. More so than we had thought. So we talked about how if this one is born healthy and on time, we might not try again for another 5 years...maybe even 10. It's just so much for us both. It'd be ok if we only had one child, but neither one of us would be content with it. We even talked about the possibility of doing a surrogate next time. And of course, adoption is still in our minds. I guess we just never realized how hard this would be on us. I don't know when we are going to relax. Maybe 26 weeks? 28 weeks? If I even get that far...

Last night Derick was holding me...

Him- "I think I'm going to sleep on the couch when the baby comes."
Me- "Why? You don't have to do that, we'll take turns gettting up."
Him- "No, it's not that."
Me- "Ok"
Him- "I just don't ever want to sleep as far away from him or her as we do from the boys."
Me- "Uhh...ok."

I'm blown away that he thinks like this. I'm pretty sure that he would sleep next to our child for the rest of his life if it meant that they'd be safe. It's weird what men think of. I think of them being safe in a motherly way...healthy, warm, fed....and he wants to physically keep them safe. Like safe from the world almost. If he sleeps right next to them nightmares can't get to them, there won't be any monsters under the bed, no crying at night, no staying up past their bedtime, no sneakng boys into the house, no sneaking out at night...it's a lovely thought, but someday they will grow up and the inevitable will happen...

As much as we would like to keep them as safe as we can right now, it doesn't mean that things will always be this way. What's strange is that for us, the safest place for them to be right now is NOT in my uterus. It's in our arms.

I'm neurotic

2008-01-25T10:56:00.001-05:00

I went for my hCG levels on Tuesday. Wednesday the doctor called and said, "It was 46. That's a little on the low side." Nothing like a little worry. Last night I was at work, went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. Not a lot, but it was bright red. I bled with Riley too the same way. I knew it was ok, but I started to freak out. I cried, thought about going home, and then I thought about how I have to stay calm. I can't stress myself out about it. If it's going to happen, I thought, there's nothing that I can do to prevent it.

So I went home, did some dishes, and laid down on the couch. I noticed that from doing the dishes, I had broken out in an allergic reaction on my hands. Apparently I'm allergic to the dishes and can't do them anymore ; )

To make a long story short, including a lot of tears and praying....the bleeding stopped this morning. It went from bright red to brown this morning. I went for my second hCG this morning and I called the doctor and she's going to try and get the results for me this tonight instead of having to wait until Monday. Only because I was bleeding and concerned.

Hopefully I'll hear something back tonight. Otherwise I'm going to be completely neurotic all weekend!

Reluctant to post

2008-01-20T17:25:00.001-05:00

I'm a bit reluctant to post this. However, I can't hold it to myself any longer.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY!

Ok, I'm done now.

My heart wants so much to be excited about this. But my brain keeps saying, "You can't tell anyone. You don't want to untell them. This might not work, it's not a guarentee...things could happen." But my heart is feeling otherwise.

I'm cautiously excited at this point. Still in shock, and very, very anxious.

It's just so hard to believe that a baby will come at the end of all of this...

Quote

2008-01-19T13:15:00.001-05:00

"If when you are at the edge of life, go ahead and take the step. If God doesn't provide the foundation He will give you wings."

Monica H sent me this quote the other day in response to my post about jumping off of a bridge. I've decided to take the leap. I just can't imagine my life any other way.

Currently I'm in the 2ww. I should expect my perid next week sometime after Tuesday. I have no signs that I'm pregnant, except for some spotting earlier in the week and cramps. No nausuea, no sore breasts...nothing. I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust. Onto the next one I guess... But there's still a part of me that is hopeful only because with Riley I had no symptoms either and I was most certainly pregant with him. So maybe it's not a bust....or maybe I'm just setting myself up for dissapointment. But if it's not going to happen I would prefer that my period start sooner than later because the sooner it starts, the sooner we can try again for another month. I wish that it would just happen. I wish that I could will myself pregnant like all of the other teenagers trying to trap their boyfriends : )

I've never been obsessed with TTC. But I find myself this time completely obsessed. I obsessively try and read my body...could this be, could it not be? The rational part of me is like, "It's going to happen when it happens." But the control freak part of me wants to control every aspect of things.

My good friend Lisa thinks it's going to happen soon. I think it's going to happen for her soon too. Maybe we are just destined to be pregnant together with our cervix's stitched shut, and our big bellies. We can shop together, and register together, and ride around in our motorized carts together at Walmart.

Now I'm getting ahead of myself...but she had a valid point. In the last week I've had 2 dreams that I was dying and one dream that another baby died. In the dream that the baby died, I kept having to give him CPR because he would just die. Then he would breathe again and die, and I'd give him CPR again. Anyway, Lisa said that dreams about death mean that a baby is going to be born.

So maybe I'm not crazy afterall...

100 posts

2008-01-16T15:02:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been 100 posts.

When I look back through the last year and 8 months, I can't believe how far I've come and how much I've lost. It seems incredible to me. Almost like it was someone elses life.

But it's funny, you know, because my life has not started back up again since the moment we lost Dylan's heartbeat. It never got back on track, and things never became even close to where they were just hours before my water broke.

But still, we've come a long way...

We're trying to have another baby now. That in itself is a big step towards the happiness of our future. We've moved and have our own place again. We've got great jobs that we love (most of the time). And I cannot forget about my family. Derick lives and would die for me, and Lilo wags her tail so fast when I come back into the room that it's as if someday it will fly off.

So why then, won't I be happy until I have a toddler running from room to room with Lilo following close behind? Why can't I be happy until that image in my mind comes true? Why can't others (the rest of my family) want the same thing for us?

I'm close to happy. I really am. However true happiness won't come until I hear my own baby scream. I'm closer now to happy than I've been in a year and 8 months.

I had a dream last night that I was at the doctors office. The doctors that were treating me were from Private Practice and one was just a TV with his face on it. Every once in a while he would go to commercial. Anyhow, they told me that I had a blockage that was traveling to my brain. My aneurysm was like a bomb. It could explode tomorrow, two weeks from tomorrow, or 25 years from tomorrow. My first though upon hearing this news was that Derick was going to loose me, and what was he to do? My second thought was that I need to do things in my life now to make me happy, because someday it might be to late. I need to start living NOW instead of putting it off for tomorrow. Otherwise life is going to pass me right on by. When I woke up, I looked around and said to Lilo, "Oh my God. It was only a dream."

So for my next 100 posts, here are my goals:

1. have a living child
2. loose some weight (or most of the weight I need to loose)
3. finally take our dream honeymoon (even if it's with an infant)
4. save money- enough so that if something happens we won't be shuffling things around
5. visit Disneyland again but this time with Derick...and maybe baby!
6. get EVERYTHING unpacked completely
7. start writing again
8. pick up my paintbrushes where I left off
9. finish my scrapbooks
10. have a better relationship with some members of my family.
11. finish the baby blanket I've been making because 'someday' we'll have a baby
12. learn to communicate with Derick better
13. make more time to spend with the ones that I love
14. have a better relationship with my SIL
15. stop and take the time to smell the roses and take in everything this Earth can offer.

Ok, so that's them. Stay tuned to see what I can accomplish!

And as always, for those that read and comment and for those that read and don't comment, thank you for taking the time to come and visit anyway. And if you're just a casual lurker, leave me a note and I'll be sure to pop in on you to see what your life is like.

Jumping off a bridge

2008-01-12T16:40:00.001-05:00

I feel like I'm standing on a bridge. I could run across to safety (and a lifetime without children), or I could jump. But if I jump, the river is narrow and only a few feet of it is wide enough to survive the jump. I could land on the rocky shore, and that would be sudden death (loosing another baby). So do I jump and hope that I land in the river? If I do, it wouldn't be sudden death. No matter where I would land, I would be safe...although I would be a bit more worse off if I didn't land where the water is deep. But if I do land in the deep water, I'll be safe!

So what do I do? Run to the other side, jump and risk sudden death, or take the jump and pray for safety?

That's how I feel about trying again. The fear is the equivalent of jumping off a bridge without a safety net.

Except with trying again, I will have a safety net. I'll have my cerclage...

So then, knowing that I'll have my safety net in place, why is it so difficult to move ahead?

I've stopped using the OPK's. I'll admit that they were very cheap, and perhaps there wasn't enough dye in them. But when I looked through the garbage (what else would any other rational person do?) I think I came across one that was positive. So perhaps I've O'd already and missed it. I don't know. But even if I did ovulate, the other important part of the equations hasn't been there. So it wouldn't matter anyway.

No pressure, no pressure! That's what he keeps saying.

OK hon, no pressure. But today is the day, and without pressure it's not going to happen.

So instead I go to sleep sad, blaming it on myself because yet again it's something that I just can't do right.

Even if I have O'd, there's nothing there to meet it at the end of the journey. And if I haven't, at least I have more time.

The perfectly rational part of me knows that these things can take a while. But the perfectly irrational part of me is throwing a tantrum.

Thank you for your support and your rational words. I appreciate it more than I'm sure you realize sometimes!

I think I'm loosing it

2008-01-10T13:05:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure what to think of things anymore...

I've been using the OPK's since Sunday (cd 12) and have not had a positive yet. I'm so worried that I do really have PCOS now, and I'm not just borderline anymore.

I think that if I do, it would put me over the edge.

I want to call the doctor so badly and tell her that I need to start Clomid now. She needs to do something, NOW...but I feel like a crazy person.

It's true that it could just be a cycle that I don't ovulate. Or it's true that I'm not ovulating...or just later than normal since my cycle seems to be ranging from 32-40 days now. So that would mean that theoretically, it could be cd 16-20 that I do ovulate. In which case, I'm on cd 16 today. So it could be anytime in the next few days. My last cycle was 38 days. So that would be cd 19 that I would, theoretically, ovulate.

Does anyone know anything about this? I'm just at a loss, and I'm starting to get discouraged already. I'm getting down on myself, and there isn't anything that I can do but wait.

Day three of POAS

2008-01-07T14:43:00.001-05:00

According to my crazy cycle, I should be on CD 13 today. Which should, theoretically, mean that I'm supposed to O tomorrow.

However, I have not had a positive OPK yet. I'm starting to get a little nervous. The Doc assured me that if I was getting a period, I was ovulating. But it's like the OPK's aren't even detecting a little bit of an LH surge because there is nothing but the control line. Should I worry? Or is that just how some of them work? I've just never had them like that before. Usually something other than the control line shows up. But now, nothing.

Maybe I've just moved to a 30 or 32 day cycle. The doc also said that was not uncommon, especially due to the amount of stress I'm under. Also, childbirth can do that as can a change in hormones. So maybe I'm more likely to O around CD 15 or 16 now.

Any thoughts?

I know that it's easier to determine if I were charting. Frankly, I'm to lazy to get up and take my temp at the same time every morning. Morning Becky is not a happy Becky.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have to take Lilo to the vet tonight at 7 pm. She's had goopy stuff coming out of her eye. And me, being the bad mother that I am, chalked it up to being a cold or part of her allergies. Until this morning....we woke up and it was pink and slightly swollen. The goopy stuff has also started to change colors and get....more goopy. The vet thinks that she might have an infection because maybe she scratched the lens or something.

Lilo, being the amazing dog that she is, never fails to get sick when we literally have no money. So my mother saved the day again. She offered to pay for her vet care until we can pay her back. After all, she says, a blind Lilo would not be a happy Lilo.

Another Consult

2007-12-29T13:00:00.001-05:00

I had an appointment yesterday with a new OB-GYN. It's a practice that was referred to me by my Peri and they have 4 doctors in the group. I met with the only female doctor there and she was maybe 30 years old. She was so great. I explained our history, every painstaking detail. And she said that she know's Dr. Davis's (who will place the TAC) work very well. So she said that he's deffinately the best person to do the procedure. She also said that she will send me off to him when I'm around 10 weeks pregnant the next time around.

I've been concerned because my period has been so weird lately. It's always between 1-2 weeks later than normal. So when I told her, she said that the first thing they look at when a woman's period is irregular is the possibility of depression. The second thing is stress. But it works hand in hand....depression because of not having a baby, stress because of not having a baby, stress trying to get pregnant, and still being depressed about no baby. She said that since I'm getting a period she is sure that I'm ovulating. But I'm still going to monitor it because I'm obsessive about it. But she assured me that after we've been trying for 3 months and it doesn't happen, she wants to look into things further and find out why it isn't happening. I'm not sure what that means, but we have a follow-up appointment at the end of March.

And as far as delivery goes, I will see all 4 doctors through my pregnancy. At the end, I'll choose the one that I feel most comfortable with to perform the c-section. If there are any problems throughout I'll get whichever doctor is on call.

So we'll see...I guess we'll start trying as soon as my period is over for this cycle. I'm going to go out and get some OPK's to start monitoring things. So we'll see....

Wish us luck!

Happy Birthday Riley

2007-12-26T11:43:00.001-05:00

Sweet Riley, where do I begin?

You brought so much into my life when all I could see was an endless darkness. You gave me hope and joy, and you made me smile when I thought all smiles were gone forever. In so many ways, you saved me from the despair that I became.

I love you so very much, and I hope that you know that Daddy and I made the best choice that we could. This day, last year, was the most difficult day of our lives. We had to make the choice of a lifetime, and I pray everyday that we made the right choice. But I think that it's a choice that will haunt me for the rest of our lives on this earth. Perhaps I won't know until we meet again.

My Riley, your name means courage and strength. And ironically, that is what you have brought to Daddy and I. The courage to more forward and the strength to get up each morning. We miss you every day of our lives, and I wish more than anything that THIS Christmas would have been our Christmas. But it wasn't, and I'm not sure that next year will be any different. But I do know that we are together, just in a different way than most family's.

I love you my little one, never forget that. Happy Birthday in Heaven today! Share your cake with your brother, and let Mimi fuss over you. That's what she does. She loves you too, you know.

Happy Birthday sweet boy!
Love always,
Mommy

Merry Fucking Christmas

2007-12-25T01:11:00.002-05:00

If this Christmas couldn't be any worse, I woke up this morning with a stye. You know those things...painful, swollen, and red. My eye hurts so bad, and I keep putting hot compresses on it and begging it to go down before I return to work on Wednesday. The worst part is, I think, that I haven't had a stye since like 8th grade or something. It's miserable.

I don't want to go to sleep tonight. If I go to sleep then Christmas has to come. And if Christmas comes I have to face the reality that once again I'm spending it at the cemetary instead of with my boys. I think I'm doing ok, then I realize that I have to go visit Dylan and Riley at the cemetary and it blows everything to shit.

I went today to get some balloons. One Christmas and one "Happy Birthday" because for Riley, it's both a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday. And I've been so bad...not going to the cemetary like I hope. I feel guilty, but now we live much farther away and it's just really hard. But I still feel guilty...like those are just excuses that I make to rationalize things. But anyway, the lady at the store where I got the balloons asked what type I wanted. I told her they were for children and she asked what cartoons they liked or which character was their favorite. She didn't know, obviously. And how many people really buy balloons for dead children? But it made me feel bad because I don't even know what they would like. I had no idea how to answer her. So I decided on Mickey Mouse. I like Mickey, and I know Dylan did because he and I spent so much time there early on. So I figured that Riley would too. Dylan and I had our perfect Disney memories. And I wish that I was able to take Riley too. I would do anything to take Riley.

And if things couldn't get worse, my cousin lost her second child to IC a few days ago. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers because she is in my thoughts every moment of every day. My heart breaks for her and her husband and her sweet daughter. I wish that there was something more that I could do for her except saying simply, "I know, I'm sorry that it happened to you. It sucks." The last thing that I wanted in this life was for her to become a member of this club that I'm in. It's the last thing that I want for anyone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On a happier note, my parents gave us our Christmas presents tonight. WE GOT A Wii!!!! I'm so excited, I had wanted one so badly and Mom happened to be at Target at the right time. She grabbed it up as they were handing one to another lady. She said that she was afraid to walk in the parking lot with it...but she stuffed it in the trunk, wrapped it in paper and then placed it in another box just in case (I know, extreme, but this is coming from the woman who won't listen to a cd that's burned because she thinks there is a tracking device in it). Derick and I just got done playing, and now he's sleeping. I took the Wii fitness training and it gives you a Wii age based on strength, agility, and stamina. My estimated age was 65! Haha! Derick wasn't much better....his was 64!

Mom says that everyone needs to have fun in life. She even had friends of friends calling her to plead their case about why they needed the Wii and would buy it from her. But she said, "Sorry...my daughter and son-in-law need this much more." Lol, gotta love Mom's! I was completely shocked because she had gotten Guitar Hero for Derick and took it back after she got the Wii.

Things are different this year, that's for sure. But Derick got a job, and he starts on Wednesday. That means we are back to trying again! So things have to start looking up. We've been at the rock bottom...so we have to continue going up. It's just not an option to go back down.

And the saga continues...

2007-11-29T11:00:00.001-05:00

I feel like we're on an episode of Jerry Springer or Montel as the situation just keeps escilating and I don't know how to get out of the middle.

Heather and the baby were kicked out of her mother's house. She is currently living with her girlfriend, her husband, and her newborn baby. But that's only temporary.

She's decided that she needs to give the baby up for adoption. And she came over for dinner last night and told us that she is going to ask her father if he would like him first, and if he can't take care of him then she would like us to have him. Her mother, Nathaniels grandmother, is unfit to take care of him. She is good to him, however she abandoned Heather and her brother when they were toddlers. Who's to say that she won't do it again?

I told her that we would need to go through the courts and make sure everything is legal. I couldn't bare for anyone to take him away from us. And it would have to be ok with everyone involved, even my family.

Nathaniel is such a dream to have around. He laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard in his life. He curls up on your chest to go to sleep, and he sucks his thumb because he's a bit insecure and he's teething. He drools more than any baby I've ever met, and can successfully ruin a nice outfit in a matter of seconds. I can't wait to have a baby in my life that when I close my eyes at night that is all I see.

When I called my mom to tell her, she was angry. Angry that I would have given my life to save my boys and Heather is just throwing up her arms because it's to much for her. She's worried that Derick and I are setting ourselves up for the biggest hurt of our lives. All of which we have considered.

Sometimes when I look into Nathaniels eyes I think he's Riley for just a split second. In my head, I know that he's not Riley. But my heart feels otherwise. Perhaps that is why I'm so torn in my decision. He will never be Riley, but it's very hard for me to understand at times. Even my mother in law said that at times she has trouble understanding that he's not her grandson. Sometimes she has to think twice that he's her nephew. He was born just 3 days after Riley's due date.

So to make a long story short, I cried myself to sleep last night. Heather's mother said that if she gave him to us that she would never speak to us again and that we didn't deserve him. Or something to that effect. It killed me because after all we've been through....we still don't deserve to have a child? Or he's just better than us? Maybe that's it. Maybe we aren't good enough to raise her grandchild. But regardless, she would fight it. And to be perfectly honest, I don't have the strength to fight it. I don't have the will to go to court and battle for my right to be a mother. I know I'm better than that. I know that I did everything I could for my sons. And I know that I would have given my life if it would have spared theirs. That I know in my heart, and I don't need to prove it to anyone. Especially not a woman who abandoned her's.

Now I don't know how to tell her that as much as we want to be a part of his life, he's better off with his grandfather. Unless, of course it comes down to him not having a home. But I would be much happier if I could spend a weekened a month with him, taking him shopping and to amusement parks, the movies, and to teach him how to play miniature golf. I would be much happier being his aunt and showing him the best part of the world, while his grandfather teaches him right from wrong and that every action has a consequence. I want him to be a huge part of my children's lives because deserves that. He deserves to have a family that loves him unconditionally. And that, to me, is the biggest job of an aunt and uncle. To love their nephew regardless of how messy his room is, how angry he gets at his parents, and how bad his grades are. That's what I want. That is the relationship that I want with Nathaniel.

Another is lost

2007-11-26T18:30:00.001-05:00

Derick's cousin Heather had stopped talking to us. We couldn't figure out why. Until yesterday.

Apparently she didn't talk to us because she thought we wanted to take Nathaniel away from her. What? What in God's name would lead her to believe that we wanted to take him away from her? It made me feel like an awful baby-stealing freak!

So I tried to call her. No answer. We've been trying on and off to get ahold of her for weeks now about his baptism. She asked us after he was born to be his Godparents. We were so excited and it meant so much to us that we cried with joy.

Derick went over today and cornered her to talk to him. She claims that she's been busy. He asked her what we needed to do for the baptism and she told him that we were no longer Nathaniels Godparents. She's asked her friends instead.

We feel like we've lost another baby. Not that he was ours to begin with, or that he is even physically lost....but that he's gone out of our lives for good. Derick asked me to take the toys that we got him for Christmas. And he also asked that all of things that we gave her when he was born be returned. Clothes, a basinette, a boppy, toys...bottles...baby moniters...he wants them back. Nathaniel is no longer a part of our lives because his mother is to insecure with herself to even allow us to have contact with him.

What is wrong with us? Why are we not good enough? Did we do something terribly wrong or do we just not deserve to be a part of a child's life.

Poor Derick called me at work, in tears. He had such dreams for Nathaniel....fishing trips, football games, and buying him the loudest drum set that he can find.

Instead, here we are picking up the pieces of our hearts again.

Compelled to write

2007-11-18T11:06:00.001-05:00

Today is a perfect day for writing. It's snowing outside, and just beautiful. I miss my boys terribly on days like today. I wonder if they would be catching snowflakes on their tongues.

Yesterday my Mom told me something rather suprising. Suprising, I guess, becuase I didn't think anyone else REALLY thought about us. My grandfather said something to her about Thanksgiving. He said, "How can I be happy and joyful for Alexa and the baby when I see so much pain in Becky and Derick's eyes?" He said that he's happy my cousin and her baby are coming in for Thanksgiving, but he knows that it's going to be difficult for the rest of us. It kills me that he has to know that babies die. He's such a loving, kind, generous man. And he adores all babies. But it just kills me that he lost his innocence as well.

Derick got a tattoo for the boys. When I find my camera, I'll take a picture of it! Lol! It's a cross, with blue tribal stuff in the background. At the bottom it says, "In memory of Dylan and Riley." He came home and showed it to me. Before thinking about what I was saying, I blurted out "Oh that's nice. There's even room at the bottom for the next baby." Yikes! It prompted a long talk with Derick and him trying, unsuccessfully, to get me to understand that we aren't going to loose any more babies.

Well...whatever....

How do you change a person's view on the way of life that they have become accustomed to?

*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On another note, I've gotten most of my things hung up here. I attempted to do it myself last night, but after one broken drill bit and almost falling off of the step stool Derick decided he would help!

I can't believe we're home!

Last night as we were laying in bed Derick said, "We could put the bassenette here and the crib could go in the living room on the other side of the couch." I'm like, what? Are you serious? Haha, it made me feel good again to make plans about the future.

It's not going to happen

2007-10-22T18:45:00.002-04:00

AF was 6 days late. One pregnancy test later...resulted in a very, very faint positive. Yesterday AF arrived. Heavy and strong, and not holding back. Was it indeed a BFP but it escaped before I could catch it? Or was it a result of looking at a test longer than the time window. Less than 10 mins, but still more than 3. Was it placed there just to make me wonder if we are REALLY ready? Or was it some evil trick to make me cry myself to sleep? Regardless, it was enough to do all of those things.

I am ready. I think. I want to have a child more than I want to breathe. But I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to happen again. I'm scared that I can't take care of a child. But I'm more scared, I think, of what will happen if I don't have a child. I'm judgemental. I'm mean, bitter...angry. I'm hurt and I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm fake happy. I tell myself in my head that I have to smile now. It's a happy occasion. Even when I want to twist the neck of the person that is telling me how complete their life is with children.

I just can't take it. I cried all night last night. Derick says that we aren't ready. And he doesn't know when we'll be ready. I told him that when he says that I feel like it's going to be forever. That we aren't ever going to have children. He thinks that I'm crazy. And for a small moment, I blamed him. I blamed him for me being so unhappy. But it's not his fault. It's mine. And I can't get away from it. It will be my burden to bare for the rest of my life.

Someday we'll get there. I have no doubt. But I'm tired of waiting. I want it now.

October 15, 2007

2007-10-15T18:35:00.002-04:00

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss memorial day. Here's to you all and your sweet angels!

I got this poem today, maybe some of you did too.

A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

I'm heading home to light my candles, how about you?

Sweet boy

2007-10-04T16:37:00.001-04:00

My Dear Riley,

Today was the day, last year, that we found out you were on your way. Daddy and I were beyond excited. You were our hope and our future. We loved you from the start. I would tell you stories about your brother watching over you. Daddy would rub my belly and I would get upset because I didn't want you to be overly tickelish like I am. When we had our first ultrasound, I cried. Grandma was with us. We were all so excited.

I miss you, my sweet. More than you could ever imagine. I needed you in my life so badly, and you were, just different than what I expected.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to provide for you the way I had wanted. I hope that you were happy and comfortable inside my belly. Because you sure were loved.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Not a second that I don't miss our talks. And believe it or not, I still imagine that I feel you kicking strong and happy. The doctor's call that phantom kicks. I don't know how long they last, but they are still going strong. And my heart skips a beat everytime I feel it.

I love you baby, more than you will ever know. Have a great day with the angels today! Be nice to your brother, and tell Mimi that I love her.

Sweet dreams,
Mommy

It's official

2007-10-02T18:32:00.001-04:00

We've started trying.

I'm terrified, ecstatic, and nervous all at the same time! We'll see where life takes us, I guess. But I just talked to my boss, as I was nervous about telling her about the surgery. And she said that she appreciated my honesty and was glad that I told her and gave her the heads up. They will put me out on salary continuation (short-term dissability) but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Because realistically, I could already be pregnant or it could take 4 years. Who knows? So if it takes a while, it's not going to matter anyway. But I just wanted her to know where we stood. I feel happy that I talked with her.

I don't know where the next few months are going to take us. But I know that I'm onboard for the ride. There's no getting off now!

Decisions shouldn't be this hard

2007-09-28T00:57:00.001-04:00

God willing, I will ovulate this weekend. Or at least that's how my cycle used to be.

But I'm stuck. I don't know why. These decisions shouldn't be this hard. I want more than anything to be pregnant again. But I'm so afraid that the fear is clouding my decisions. Why am I so afraid? I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again my families opinions will be flown at me quicker than I can react. I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again, I'll have an early miscarriage. And if I do make it, what about the surgery? I'm terrified of the surgery! Not so much of what's involved....more so of the pain. Which is rediculous. I would absolutely take physical pain every day for the rest of my life to avoid the pain of loosing another child. I just don't do well in hospitals. I'm scared to be there by myself. I just don't like them. I feel like everytime I go into one, someone dies. And it's a feeling that I just can't get rid of.

I went to the doctor today because I've been feeling like shit. I thought I had the flu, or something like it. Turns out that it's just a God awful sinus infection. I had to get antibiodics. And right on the label it says not to take if I'm pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant. Great. I should have mentioned that to the Doc. But I wasn't thinking, I guess. Do you think I'm safe to take it? The chances of it happening on the first try are slim. I'm deffinately not expecting it. Although for whatever reason, I have a history of getting pregnant while being very sick. With Dylan I had Pneumonia.

Well anyway...on the upside of things I bought the Knifty Knitter. I saw someone at the airport with it last weekend and I knew that I needed to get it. It's fantastic!! I already knitted a scarf and it only took me about 3 hours. So I bought some new baby yarn. I had some stuff left over from Riley's blanket, but I explained to Derick that was for him. Dylan's is burried with him, he was rapped in it. But I haven't been able to pick up Riley's blanket since last winter. I just can't do it. So I'm determined to finish this whole blanket....and USE IT for our baby. It's going to be great! I'll post pictures when I'm done : )

I think I've made up my mind

2007-09-20T14:29:00.001-04:00

Last night my mom, her twin sister, and I went out to eat. I was so down. I've had such a dissapointing week that when things like this happen, I become very, very low. I've been taking my Zoloft almost every day for a week now because I'm so stressed out and anxious. I feel the anxiety building and it's unnerving.

So anyway, we dropped off my aunt and stopped over at my Grandfather's house. My Pop has always been a signifigant person in my life. He's just an amazing man. Always able to look for the positive in a really bad situation. He's not very good with words, but what he says and how he relates things make sense in a really weird way....he loves to joke with us, give us advice, and he was there for me when we lost both of the boys. He sobbed with us, prayed with us, and even led the Our Father at both of their funerals.

He mentioned while we were there that he got a card from my cousin, Lex. She gave birth to her little girl on August 19th and named her Olivia. But at Lex's baby shower, she made a BIG point to go on and on about how Olivia was the first great-grandchild and I literally wanted to puke. I was so disgusted and hurt that she forgot. In the card from Lex, he said that she thanked him and went on to say that she wishes that our grandmother were here to hold her and see her. Then he said that my aunt is going to parade the baby all around at Thanksgiving when they come home and that she wants a 4 generation picture. My aunt is very understanding, and she's really great...but she doesn't truly get it. And it's not that she hasn't tried, but it's impossible to understand unless you've been there.

When we got home, it hit me. I need to try for a baby now. I'm nervous about it, and scared about it...but I'm also excited about it. I need this. I'm afraid that Pop won't be around to see my child if I wait. And I know that sounds rediculous, but I really want him to see our child living and breathing and laughing instead of so much sadness surrounding me. I know that other's have their opinions. And I know that we still have a lot of work to do on our lives. But we won't ever be ready. We will never be completely out of debt, we won't ever be completely secure in our jobs or in our lives....but the only true happiness that we have is another child. And that's what we need right now more than ever. The living situation and the debt situations will work themselves out. They always do. We've handled the worst thing that could happen to parents, twice. We can most certainly handle this.

The Consult

2007-09-10T17:04:00.001-04:00

I appologize to all who care about my lack of information on my appointment! I've been so busy with work and such that I didn't even have time to update over the weekend!!

The appointment went amazingly well...

I was so nervous that I made myself physically ill in the hours leading up to it. When we got there, he greeted us warmly and made us feel like he understood why we were there. He explained the procedure and said that given the information that we knew with Dylan he would have proceeded with Riley's pregnancy the same as my regular OB did. That was comforting. He also said that he has a very high success rate, even with a history of PROM. He said that he did a study on women with a history of PROM, 3 of 4 carried to term with the TAC with no problems. One PROM'd at 18w but since the TAC was so tight it didn't allow the water to leak so she carried until 32 weeks and that child is now just over a year old. Along the same lines of the TAC being so tight, it does not allow infection to set in. Not that it couldn't, but in the 20 years he has been performing this operation he has not seen any problems.

Then he did the ultrasound. It showed that pre-pregnancy my cervix measures just around 2cm. The 'average' cervix is usually between 5-6cm and they consider 3 to be short. Granted, there are many women that have no cervix at all...so I'm a bit better off than them. However, he was able to put his finger through my cervix almost into my utuerus. That was worrisome...either it didn't close completely after delivery or it was never closed to begin with. We probably won't ever know. Probably has never closed after delivery. He said that knowing that he would prefer to place the stitch around 10w instead of the regular 12-13w. Not just because it's short, but leaving it open could let in a major infection...not just for a growing fetus but for me as well.

He is very, very confident that I will be able to carry not just one, but as many pregnancies as I want with the TAC in place!!

Derick and I over the moon ecstatic!! Now it's onto deciding when a good time to start trying is. Of course everyone in our lives has their own opinions and they aren't shy about voicing them. Particularly my family. So when we straighten out OUR lives we are going to move forward. We hope to be straight by November or December : )

A few more months...

2007-07-20T12:25:00.001-04:00

Derick and I had a chat last night. I was complaining how the birth control screws up my cycles so much that I don't even know when to expect AF. He told me that I didn't have to take it anymore if I did't want to. What?! He said for the 3 times that we have sex a month we can use other alternatives !!

But it's only for August...one month and 10 days until we can try again! One more month and 10 days until I'm actually doing something.

And only one month and 10 days until I'm petrified, irrational, and fearful of every cramp, ache, twinge, lack of naseau, lack of breast aches...yikes...when I write it all out I wonder why I would ever want to go through that again. The lack of control, the unknowing, the constant worry, fear, unanswered prayers...

Why would anyone put themselves through that? Simple. Because I need to have a child more than I need to breathe. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to hold my own child to my heart and listen to him cry. Or watch him squirm and giggle...it must be the most incredible feeling in the world.

Only a few more months and this will be all over...this relentless worry...it will all be in vain. And this time, next year, God will bless us with a baby. And if it happens to be that it is not a child of my own womb, it will be a child of my own heart. The very baby that I've been wating rather impatiently for. Impatient only because I have so much love to give.

Am I moving forward?

2007-07-05T16:41:00.001-04:00

I wonder if I am making any progress. Some days I feel like I really am, and then others, like today, all I can think about is the boys. What would they be doing? Dylan would be talking and eating solid foods. Riley would be crawling around after Lilo on the floor.

I wonder if I'm not moving forward the way I should not because of grief, but because of the trauma that I experienced both physically and emotionally. Is it just to much for me to handle? When I had Dylan, I nearly died. That was huge physicall trauma. When I had Riley, I lost all of the faith that I had in ANYTHING. I lost the faith that I had in myself, in life, in my doctors, in the medical field in general...everything, it seems, except for my faith in God. When I thought that all was lost, He was the only thing that I clung to. Mostly because I didn't have anything left. When Dylan was born, I shunned him wondering how he could do this to me. But with Riley, it was different. I didn't have anything else left except for Him.

Is it possible to be so traumatized that a person wouldn't want to move on in their life? Because I feel as though I'm griefed out. I miss the boys every second of every day, but I understand that they are there and I am here. I understand that things will never be the same again. Yet the fear of the past, the emotional and the pysical trauma, are keeping me from moving forward. That fear is what keeps me from being able to be positive about another baby. That fear is what is holding me back. How do I get past something like that to move on?

Don't you need to be a Mom to wear a mother's ring?

2007-07-02T18:40:00.001-04:00

Derick bought me a beautiful ring for Mother's Day. We finally picked it up on Friday. It's white gold with Dylan, Riley's, and Derick's birthstones on it. They are marquis cut, seperated by diamonds. I adore it!

I wore it to work today and proudly showed everyone around me. Heading to the bathroom, I ran into another girl at work that knows 'our' story. When I showed her, she said "Don't you have to be a Mom to wear a mother's ring?" I felt my face turn red. I muttered, "It's for the boys." and I walked away. She immediately felt bad. I knew she did because I could see it in her face. But I felt bad. It made me feel stupid. Maybe I shouldn't be wearing a mother's ring. But it's beautiful and I love it. I want to wear it. And when people ask about it, I will tell them why I'm wearing it. It's for my boys. I AM a mother.

Two down

2007-06-24T17:59:00.001-04:00

Two babies were born within 10 days. I'm in overload...

Derick's cousin, Heather, went into labor on June 13th. Her son, Nathaniel Alexander weighed 7lbs 9oz and was born on the 14th. Just three days after Riley should have been born. I wonder often if Riley would have been born the same time...it would have been fun for cousins to share the same birthday. It just should have been different. Things should have been so different...

Friday my sister in law called from Florida on vacation. Her sister, due at the end of August was having some problems and they admitted her to the hospital. Her son, Landon Jacob was born via c-section on Friday weighing 4lbs 6oz and very healthy at only 32 weeks.

Suprisingly...I'm ok. When I hold Nathaniel I feel a this connection with him that I can't explain. I feel like I have an outlet for those primal urges that I didn't have before. It's refreshing. But it makes me want to have another baby so much more. I long for the feeling of life inside me.

Sondra, probably the only person in my life that understands. She understands if I don't feel like talking or if I don't answer the phone or call her back right away. She understands when I need to talk, when I'm happy, scared, or just sad. She celebrates with me when things go well, and cries with me when things don't. She called me today to tell me that she was expecting again in January. I'm truly happy for her, and although I still think about the boys...I'm more bummed out that I can't be pregnant with her right now! I know that the time will come, and we will be...but that's October!! It seems like so far away. It seems like in the next 3 months....yes, only 3 months....things will completely change and something will happen and we'll be pushed back another 3 months or something. I feel like in only 3 months things could blow up in my face again and we'll be back where we started. So I would rather start now and avoid the possibilities of everything falling apart.

It also doesn't help that my period has been so screwed up. It seems like almost monthly, even though I'm on birth control, my period is off by a few days. I get my hopes up, even though I know it's virtually impossible, and I'm let down when it comes. It's a horrible game that I play wiht myself. It's just neverending.

Cruel Irony

2007-05-30T23:01:00.001-04:00

Perhaps the most cruelest irony in life is the ability to take care of a child, but without actually having a child.

I say this because upon looking at a baby shower registry today, I came across the oddest things for a newborn baby shower. Granted this is her first child...but I was unaware that newborns needed silverware. Yes, you read correctly. A fork and a knife.

I was under the impression, maybe it's misguided, but I was under the impression that children...babies...can't even grasp their hands around things like silverware until they are toddlers or even later. This coming from the same girl who intended on buying shorts for her baby due in August. Shorts. NEWBORNS DON'T WEAR SHORTS!

Sorry...the yelling is done...

But the point is that I am sitting here dreaming of a child someday. A child that might not even be mine, but that I will love with all of my heart. And she is there dressing her child in shorts and teaching him to use silverware.

In other news...

Dr. Davis called me last night. I have an appointment with him in September for a consult on the abdominal cerclage. It's pretty exciting! He did say that since we know that my cervix is incompetent, he wants to know what's making it incompetent. The best that my regular OB could tell from doing the vaginal cerclage is that my bladder is misproportioned (much like the rest of me!). But maybe there is something to be done otherwise. I was very impressed, as was Derick. And I can't wait until September. We have to go to Philadelphia...or Camden, NJ actually. But it will be so worth it. He said that he will do multiple ultrasounds and tests while I am there to see exactly how incompetent my cervix is and get measurements while I'm not pregnant.

Derick and I also came to an agreement about trying again. Shortly after his teenage cousin showed up from college 8 months pregnant, we discussed when we would try again. We both agreed that as long as we had things worked out with the doct0r (accomplished) and that we are in our own aparemtent (almost there) we can try again in October! I'm so excited! I feel pretty confident, although still slightly hopeless. I've come to realize though that those feelings of hopelessness might not ever go away.

We also had discussed my ill feelings towards baby showers. I decided that I would rather have a welcome baby shower. Derick agreed. He thinks it would be to much for everyone involved to have a regular baby shower. Although I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel cheated. Blah. I hate these feelings.

When I think about myself at this time last year, it's scary how far I've come. This time last year I couldn't function like a normal person. I cried and screamed and sobbed all night long. I clutched onto Derick in fear that I would loose him too. And now...now I'm different. Not a bad different, I guess. But so different. In fact, I just read in someone else's blog about the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. The line that goes something like "If I'd have known all the pain, the way it all would go...would I have missed the Dance?" And I do think a lot about if I had known the pain, would I have even gotten pregnant? Would I have rather loved and lost than not loved at all? Would I rather struggle with infertility then not be able to carry a child? A very good friend of mine is struggling with this currently...and when I talk to her I always wonder...would I rather struggle with what she is dealing with or struggle with this? My answer is that I would probably rather have infertility problems. But I bet if I asked her, she would rather have a baby for a short time. It's interesting. I guess that's where all of these cruel ironies come in to play. Both come with their own sense of pain and grief, and esentially there are ways (albeit expensive ways) to have a child...and all could probably be 'cured' through surrogacy and adoption...I think that had I known the way things would turn out, I would honestly not have had Dylan in the first place. Although I still would have went to see Dr. Davis and gotten the abdominal cerclage in the begining! But my boys are my world. I live and breathe for them because they wouldn't want it any other way. And someday, when I look into the eyes of my newborn baby, I'm going to wonder what I would have done without those sweet baby eyes staring back at me.

Dylans 1st Birthday

2007-05-08T22:30:00.001-04:00

My Sweet Darling,

I cannot believe that one whole year has passed since I kissed you last, held your tiny fingers, and stared in amazement at your tiny toes. I'm sure that you are having an incredible birthday in Heaven, and I can only begin to imagine what that is like.

Daddy and I were talking tonight, and I told him that I don't even remember how we made it through this past year. It came with so much pain, but an incredible amount of love. Love that I didn't think was possible until I met you.

When I think of the short 17 weeks that I had with you, it doesn't seem long enough to have forged such a bond. One that will carry with me through the rest of my life and on into another life. You are my baby, my son. And absolutely nothing could change that.

I have learned so much in the past year. Lessons that I didn't think I would need to learn so young. But I did. And I grew strong. One year ago today I didn't think I would survive this. Yet here I am...proudly telling everyone that will listen the story of my angels. How two very short lives changed my life so profoundly.

Perhaps someday I will 'see' the big picture in all of this. Perhaps there is some grand scheme and I'm just waiting for it to unfold. But I can only pray that you will come back to me someday. Because I miss you so much more than I can put into words. My heart still and always will ache for you to be near.

I hope you are having a wonderful birthday up in heaven. I can't begin to imagine what your cake tastes like or how magnificent the gifts are. But please know the gifts that you have given me are more than you could ever believe.

I love you with my whole heart and soul,
Mommy

I did it

2007-04-30T22:43:00.001-04:00

So I did it....I sent Lex an email....here's what I wrote....

Hi!

I have sat down so many times to write an email.

I'm so happy to hear that things are going so well for you and your little girl. I pray for you both every night. I know that it's not easy to be experiencing all these things so far away. Especially for your mom! But your doing great!

I honestly haven't known what to say. I'm so conflicted because I'm so happy for you and Jim, but I'm so sad for myself. I wish that I could have been there for you more in the begining...when everything is so scary and new. But I didn't know how to be because I was dealing with so much that I couldn't even be there for you! I'm so sorry for that!

I'm sure that you don't remember this, but at Cappelletti's you were the only person who said anything to me about Dylan. I wanted so desperately for people to ask me. To say something...anything...and you did. It's something that I will never forget. It meant more to me than you could have ever imagined. I feel like sometimes it's the elephant in the room that everyone is trying to avoid. I wanted people to ask me about his birth, or acknowledge that he existed, or to acknowledge that in every way physically...I was a mother. And you did that for me. What you said wasn't a lot, but it meant the world to me.

And the funniest thing is that when Aunt Annie told me you were going to name the baby Alexander (when they thought it was a boy!), Derick and I had decided shortly before Thanksgiving that the baby, if it was a boy, would be named Alexander. When we found out how things were going to work out, and he was a boy, we decided on Riley James so that he had his own name. So when Aunt Annie told me, Mom and I laughed a little, and then when we found out it was a girl...we laughed a lot because Pop was so excited. I think he think's he's cursed with all girls! But I guess great minds think alike!

Well anyhow....I just really wanted to write and see how you were doing. Mom said that you have been seeing a Perinatologist and I wanted to let you know that if you had any questions I've done the research. And if you have general questions, I can answer them too. Although I haven't been that far along...I was 17 weeks with Dylan and just 16 with Riley...I've read ALL the books! Lol!

Oh, and by the way....when the time comes for me...God willing...I'm going to need help making it through the end of the second and third trimesters! I'm going to rely on you to answer my dumb questions! Ok...and really if the time never comes...and I end up with Japanese kids (Derick says we are going to adopt from Japan because they are much smarter than our own biological kid could be) I'll need help getting them to sleep through the night. And since you've already been there....lol! My mom and your mom are great, but they were pregnant with newborns almost 30 years ago!

Ok, well I gotta go and get to bed. I'm working now in Fogelsville so I got a commute and with traffic I gotta get up early. You and I both know that I don't get up well.

Talk to you soon,
Lots of love!Becky

P.S. what are you going to name her?

That's nice...right? My therapist thinks it will do me some good. And I think that it did too.

So here we are....

2007-04-30T21:59:00.001-04:00

What a horrible weekend. My brother and SIL came over on Saturday morning. She was in a mood, but he was happy to help Mom with some things around the house. I got held up getting some errands done, so I ended up going with mom to drop my cousin off at school for a function. His mother is the one with cancer.

Anyhow, we picked him back up from school but stopped off at home to let Lilo out. The mail had arrived. Sitting on the front steps were free samples. From the sidewalk all I could make out was the free razor. Under the free razor was the tiny Huggies sample that they send to all mother's nearing birth. There were coupons galore, lotions, and wipes. Begin panick attack.

I grabbed the mail, walked into the kitchen, and sorted through it. There was an envelope, with my name, from my SIL. I opened it, somewhat happily, until I saw what it was. A baby shower invitation. For HER sister. To begin with, I didn't think I would be invited. And you would have thought, since I told her that I can't do baby showers, that she would have understood and at the very least said something to me that morning. And if not me, she could have warned Derick. I was devestated. I through it in my mom's lap and yelled, "How could she do this to me?" Then I proceeded up the steps, into my room, and the full blown panick started.

I called Derick and he was on his way home from work. Mom intercepted at the front steps and explained that it was a bad day. He came in, asked me to take my pill, and then he listened to me talk. I was doing ok. Really, I was.

Until the third part of my panick began.

Brother and SIL came over again later that night so that Derick could help him with a few things. My mom and I had gone to a few yardsales in between dropping off Dan and picking him up. We came across a brand new infant tub for $2, baby t-shirts, and a fisher price toy for $2. It didn't occur to me that they wouldn't be bought for my baby...someday. Until SIL showed up and mom passed them on to her to give to her sister. I wanted to scream, "Those are for MY BABY!!!" But I couldn't because I don't have a baby.

Mom went upstairs and came back down with a bunch of brand new baby clothes. They were Riley's. My son's. THEY BELONG TO HIM! SIL went on and on about how cute they were and how cute they would look on him. One in particular that I had gotten for Riley was a halloween one with candy corn and it said, 'I love my Mummy.' After he was born I would go into the closet and touch it. I felt close to him. The close belong to him. But Mom gave them away.

Luckily, I guess, SIL forgot them at the house and I offered to buy her new ones to replace Riley's. I explained to Mom that I needed them. She thought that it was to difficult for them to be around for me, so it's not like she did that on purpose. But I needed them. I needed to know that they were his clothes. His belongings. That he really did exist....the only physical proof that I had. Mom said that she would buy me new ones. I told her I didn't want new ones. If I couldn't have those, I didn't want any.

This morning all the clothes were on the table but the Halloween one. That's the one I desperately wanted. The rest weren't special....but that one...I close my eyes and see his tiny feet kicking in them.

What a crappy weekend.

Family

2007-04-28T10:18:00.001-04:00

Pop's 80th birthday party is rapidly approaching. It's being held in July. I'm worried already.

Since the last time I have seen the majority of my family, pregnancies have been announced and babies have been born. I'm starting to feel a bit resentful of things. I hate this feeling. How come their babies are here safely and alive? Are they going to ask me about it or just brush it under the rug? Or are they pregnant and just as afraid to talk to me as I am to talk to them?

What happens when an otherwise close family gets this wedge placed between them?

It's the big elephant in the room. Everyone sees it, but no one wants to talk about it. No one wants to hear that my babies died, although I want desperately to tell them about it. No one asks what they looked like, but I want so desperately to show them their pictures. And no one even asks what their names are, but they are my sons.

Are they afraid to upset me? That's not the case. I can talk about things much more freely than I have ever before. Are they afraid to bring things up because they don't want to admit that babies do die? As if admitting that babies die would somehow jinx their own family. Are they happier believing that bad things happen to people who deserve it? Maybe. But if that's what they think of me than I don't need them in my life anyway.

The bottom line is that they are still blissful. Death hasn't touched them. They don't feel as if a black flag is hovering over their home as it is mine. They are innocent. Believing that babies don't get sick and babies don't die. Yet that isn't even close to being true. Because if it were, I would have a complete family. Not a heart with holes in it.

So my question is this....how do I get past that resentment to be able to embrace the new children and be happy for their families? Obviously it's not something that will happen overnight, so I need to start preparing myself now. Start working through these things. It's not something that I want to pass along to my children. I don't want them to live their lives with a mother who is still emotionally hung up on the fairness of life and the impact that it has had on my life. I don't want to be their burden because I can't take care of myself. I don't want to be Derick's burden because he got stuck with a wife who can't carry a child. He was cheated out of the family that he deserves. My body is MY burden. But I need to learn to deal with that now because if I let it go, it will fester and ferment and in 10 years I will still be harboring these feelings and it's liable to tear my family apart.

Two more weeks

2007-04-23T19:46:00.001-04:00

I can't believe that in two weeks a whole year will have passed since I held Dylan last. When he was born I inspected his face. Perfect. Tiny ears and a tiny nose...a tiny chin and tiny lips. I'm afraid that I'm forgetting what he looked like. How can I forget? It makes me sad to think about, but I know that it's inevitable. It happens as life moves on. But a mother isn't supposed to forget the face of her firstborn. It happens, I guess, in the process of life, but knowing that in advance doesn't ease the feeling.

I find myself thinking about how we are going to spend his birthday and those thoughts lead to tears each time. Desperate, crippling tears...the sort that lead to long sobs and a racing heart.

Derick and I spoke about it today. I'm having trouble talking about it. We both thought it would be best to take the day off, so we did. We think that we will go to the cemetary in the morning with Birthday balloons and a note to send off to heaven. I'm so sad to think of him spending his first birthday in a place without his parents. After the balloons...we are drawing a blank. It has to be something special and perfect. But there aren't any books on how to celebrate your dead child's first birthday. For some reason, no one wrote a manual on that. And yet it seems to be the single most painful event in a parent's life following the death of their child at any age.

I get frustrated, at times, because Derick seems to not want to talk about things. Or not that he doesn't want to talk about them, but he feels that if he does it's going to make me sad or cry so he avoids it. And when I bring it up, he changes the subject quickly. It's a routine that he's fallen into. And I don't know how to get him out of it. I hate it though. I want him to talk to me about things. I want to hear what he says, I want to be able to cry. Sadly, the routine that I've fallen into consists of crying in silence in private. I'm afraid to cry about most things these days...things not even related to the boys. I'm just feeling very alone in my grief lately and I want him to be able to chat with me and listen, not just hear, what I have to say.

I started a journal. It's a special one that I found with the word 'Hope' on the cover. I've started writing to my future children. If that makes sense. It's a way for me to share with them my feelings, my grief, the love that I have for them already, and the love that I share with their father. It makes me feel good to be doing something beneficial in the world of a mother...plus it will be good reading when they are adults! Hahah!

Cancer?!

2007-04-14T09:15:00.001-04:00

My beloved Aunt, my dad's sister, was diagnosed with cancer on Thursday at the age of 50. They thought it was a small tumor, located in her colon. But upon further testing, they found it in her liver. She met with the oncologist on Friday, and they opted to start chemo right away instead of waiting until they remove the tumors.

The two of us were like two peas in a pod. My dad would say when I was growing up, "Ah! You sound just like my sister!" and when she met me for the first time she held me in her arms and said to my mom, "She's so beautiful! I cannot imagine having a little girl this beautiful, it's only something that I can hope for." Or so says my Mom. We always had a lot in common, very similar personalities. Although the personality traits that we have in common are not those that are favorable by others. We are stubborn, independent, strong, opinionated, often say what we think before thinking, we aren't the best housekeepers...but people love us anyway. I think back, and I wonder how I would have made it through the last year without being stubborn, indepenedent, and strong? Those are the very things that are going to help her get through this challenge.

I want to write her a note, I want to visit her or send a card. But she doesn't want to see anyone just yet. I can understand that. She has three children of her own and a husband that's devoted to her. But in my note, I would like to write that...although the circumstances of my life, particularly last year can't compare to what she is facing, they were both challenges. Things that we had to overcome, a game along the path of life. She will face this challenge head on, and there will be two things she can do. Turn and run in fear, or stay and fight. Fight with all of the stubborness, strength, and independence that the blood running through our veins allows us. It's Clinchy blood, after all. Blood that's thick with those things, but mostly strength. My grandmother is a strong woman almost to the point of being cruel or cold or unemotional, her mother was the same way...although sometimes downright nasty to people she was close to. Thankfully, those things have filtered down through the generations, but there are still traces from time to time. Both my aunt and I posess them, it's just finding the will to bring them out...the will to stand and fight instead of running away screaming.

It's particularly hard for me to have faith in this situation for many reasons. First, I had faith that things would be ok with Dylan and Riley and they weren't. And second, my grandmother died 12 years ago from cancer that started in her pancrias and spread into her liver. The loss of her had a profound effect on my life. I spiraled into a depression that lasted many years partly because of that. It wasn't until I went to Florida that I started to be able to accept the loss of her. I was only 12 years old, but it was a big turning point in my life. One that I will never forget. She was so young, only 68, with 10 grandchildren and another on the way. We worshiped her. We each had a special, different, unique relationship with her. Her and I, we shopped. We played dress up, and she gave me all of her glitzy, old, shoes and fashion jewlery. She painted my nails, and yelled when my grandfather would pull candy out of our ears, "Oh Al, they can't eat candy that's been in their ears!" When he fell asleep in his chair, we would sneak over to him and try to pry the remote out of his fingers before he woke up. She was the leader of our games and our tricks. She gave us the details, and we had to figure out how to acomplish things.

The last time we shopped was for ski pants. I found a magnificent pair of purple ski pants. I adored them. So she sent me into the fitting room, I put them on, and I came out. She knealed down in the middle of the sports store, tugging here and there, then she said the words that no one wants to hear from their grandmother, "Do they fit ok in the crotch?"

The last time I saw her she was in the hospital, feeling better. I thought she was doing better and she would be home soon. I had no idea that it would be the last time that I saw her. She spoke to us, telling us each something special, yelled at my grandfather once more for pulling candy out of our ears, and sent us on our ways with a special I love you.

Three days later she died.

Is it going to be the same with Aunt Deb? Or are things never going to be the same again? Sometimes I think that I would do anything to go back to the way things were. The happiness that we shared at our wedding with everyone close to us there. People were alive and well, happy, smiling. Now it seems as though we have a dark cloud hanging over us. One that we can't shake, can't run from, and it haunts us. But if I went back to that, I wouldn't have had Dylan and Riley. I would not have experienced the things that I did last year, even if they were filled with so much grief at times.

Well...the bottom line I guess is that things can change second by second. Derick and I learned the lesson the hard way last year. It seems as though everyone else is learning the hard way too. Now, of all times, I don't know what to say to her. Or if I should say anything at all. Should I do anymore than hold her hand and hug her when she needs a hug? I don't know. I just don't know.

Need to update...

2007-04-09T20:47:00.001-04:00

I guess it's really been a while since I've written anything here. Not that I haven't thought of it, but I just have been in a funk.

It's April. I've got two babies, but none of them are with me. It's April, and in the next two months I have four very signifigant milestones to get through. The first being Dylan's 1st birthday. I feel my chest get tight everytime I think of it. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and my throat start to close. How am I going to make it through the day? The second, of course, being Mother's Day. Derick is trying his hardest to make things bearable for me. He ordered me the mother's ring that I had been eyeing. It's really nice, and we are both happy. After mother's day comes Riley's due date. June 11th. Here comes the throat tightening again. And the fourth, and final 'milestone' being Father's day. I have no idea what to get or do for Derick.

The song, Wake Me Up When September Ends reminds me of how I feel. Wake me up when June ends.

Easter wasn't so great. I cooked and stayed home. It was the first holiday without either of my babies, and I spent all last week grieving for the lost Easter Egg Hunts. It was bad. The pain of not having them with me is so strong right now. And to top it off, I have this horrible, nagging feeling that there is something that is missing in my life...and they are trying to show me or tell me what it is. I feel them with me more often than not these days. Maybe they are just comforting me, but sometimes I am hardly awake in the morning and I hear the words, "Derick! Do you feel them?" come out of my mouth. Nothing like feeling like you've gone over the deep end on top of everything else. But I just couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't go to Aunt A's and listen to them go on and on about Lex. I just couldn't do it. So instead of making things uncomfortable for them, I removed myself from the situation. Thus alienating myself even more. The very thing that I've been trying to avoid.

But I did go to Aunt A's tonight. She has been so very compassionate to me. She's always there to listen and to chat with. She went on to say that Lex's doctors are a little concerned about her cervix. They have discussed the options of cervical intervention, but she's not sure yet. She's about 17 or 18 weeks pregnant. A lot could change quickly at this point. I know...I live it. She also mentioned that she's going to name him Alexander Burke. Alexander is my grandfather's name. Derick and I had talked about naming Riley that. Well Alexander at least. I really wanted to, but we wanted a name that would be just his since we knew what the outcome would be. I'm dying inside. God I'm dying. Alexander was my name. My baby was supposed to be named after him. They act like her son is the first great-grandchild. He's not. There are two others, don't they remember? Don't they remember the source of my broken heart? How could they forget? How could she name him Alexander? Doesn't she know how much that hurts me?

It's not her fault, I know that. But God I'm dying. I think a piece of me dies a little each day. Someday I'm just going to be a shell. The shell of a person that they used to know...that used to have life and a smile. This is going to kill me. Maybe not physically, but emotionally I think I'm going to die.

This fear that I have is so powerful. It's debilitating and paralyzing. It pushes me down, and even when I fight to stand up again...I'm just not that strong.

Out of body experience?

2007-03-22T22:47:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty sure I had an out of body experience last night.

I was laying in bed, almost alseep. I could feel myself moving. I grasped onto the sheets and blankets so that I would stay put. But I couldn't move.

I saw Dylan and Riley in a nursery. But it wasn't Dylan and Riley as I know them. They were shimmering swirls of clouds, one a little bigger than the other. I tried to yell for Derick, Can you see them? They are here to see us! They're here! But I couldn't yell or move or anything. I stopped to look at the mobile hanging from the ceiling. It was amazingly beautiful. Planets and stars and moons hanging from the silvery strands and shimmering. I tried to look into the crib, I was a little afraid, but so excited to see Dylan and Riley. When I turned to look inside, I heard someone say "She can't do it. She's not ready."

Then I was back in my bed, just able to move and speak again.

What the heck does that mean? It seems so signifigant, but I either can't see the signifigance of it or I don't want to see the signifigance of it. Does it mean that I'm not ready to have another child? I feel that I am. I really do. Does it mean that I'm just not ready to face what was inside the crib? Maybe. But what could have been inside the crib? Why were Dylan and Riley calling to me? What did they need or what did they want to show me?

The swirly clouds must have been their little souls. I can't believe they found me. I was their mother, a real mother, for that short time. I wish that I had told them how much I loved them. I do everyday, but it would have been nice to tell them at that moment. They must know though because otherwise I don't think they would have been there. I was so excited. I wanted Derick to come so badly. I wanted Derick to see them like I did. He was a little dissapointed, I think, because he hasn't seen them yet. I saw Dylan after we first lost him, but not Riley. It was the first time, and deffinately the most real.

I've felt them around me before. Sometimes when I'm about to drift off to sleep I open my eyes and I swear I see them. The same way though, little white clouds. I have never known if it was them or if I was just seeing a trick of the moonlight. Maybe it is them. They must be with me more often than I have thought. They guide me through everything that I do.

Great. Now I feel like I'm lumped in with the people who've been abduted by aliens. Now I'm the girl who sees dead babies.

Strangely enough, and I'm genuinely afraid to say anything, but my period is due tomorrow and I don't feel any normal signs that I'm getting it. It would be impossible to be pregnant though, we've always used condoms. I know that they don't always work, but the chances are very slim. I'm not going to get my hopes up. It's not a good time, I know. Derick and I already went over this once today. It's not a good time. But we could make it work if it happened. I know that we could. We would be ok. Maybe that's what they were trying to show me.

We will be ok.

Dissapointed in myself

2007-03-16T17:35:00.001-04:00

I'm dissapointed in myself. I had to break down and return to taking my Zoloft. I was doing so well. Or I thought so at least. But this week has just put me through the wringer.

I know that grief comes in waves. I know that the worst, darkest months I had after Dylan died were in July, August, and September. I'm at the same point after Riley's death. It's been almost 3 months. Three excrutiatingly long months. I feel like I'm back to bargaining again. I would do anything to have Riley here with me. God, I would do anything. But there is nothing that can be done. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to have either of my boys back with me. I have to accept that, and most times I do...it's just so hard when things are so dark.

Derick and I came to a mutual agreement that it's best to start taking the Zoloft again. I cried myself to sleep almost every day this week. I feel better, but I had hoped I could start to wean myself off of it. Derick says that even though I am strong and rediculously stubborn, sometimes I have to give in because I can't fight it all. He's right, I know it. But I'm still dissapointed.

Shitty day, shitty week

2007-03-14T00:39:00.001-04:00

I know this week is always hard for me...under normal circumstances. I should have been more prepared. On the 18th it is the 12 year anniversary of the death of my beloved grandmother. St. Patricks day was her absolute favorite holiday and I can't even decorate for it anymore let alone celebrate it. Not since she died, at least. So I dread the holiday coming up too.

I found out today that Lex is having a boy. A boy. Why couldn't she have a girl? Why a boy? Doesn't God know how much that hurts me? Doesn't he know that I've been crying all day because of it? Mom said that she went to see a Peri yesterday about her cervix. Her OB is concerned. Great. Now I'm terrified on top of being so hurt. I know that she's past the point of a preventative cerclage. Rescue cerclages don't work that often. And she's possibly facing a long time of bedrest. I asked my aunt her cervix meassurement...she said she didn't know but she wasn't concerned. Not concerned? How could you say that after what I have been through...with the same problem?!'

Aunt Mil called and had enough nerve to tell mom that she was concerned about me grieving unhealthily. I should be over things by now.

Things like these are what keep me isolated from my family. I feel so lonely around them these days. No one seems to understand. And how could they? It's impossible for them to get it. Their children are alive.

So many things have happened in the past 2 years that my life isn't even close to what it was when I left for Florida.
Here's the rundown...

June 2005- I hurt my ankle, out of work until September
July 2005- bills getting tight
August 2005- ask for loan from grandparents
October 2005- we get married
November 2005- put house on the market
January 2006- house sells; we move...make almost $10k less than we expected
brother deploys to Quatar
early miscarriage
Febuary 2006- pregnant with Dylan
March 2006- hear Dylan's heartbeat
April 2006- move back to PA
May 2006- loose Dylan
June 2006- Derick's car gets reposessed because of funeral costs
July 2006- diagnosed with depression
September 2006- find great job
brother deployed to Iraq
October 2006- pregnant with Riley
loose job because of being pregnant
December 2006- cerclage placed
cervix opens
loose Riley

Thats a lot of bad things and not nearly enough good things. Most we couldn't have controlled, although some we could have made better choices. I'll admit that. But now things are looking up at least financially. I brought this up because Derick and I were trying to remember what the happiest part of our married life was so far. Deffinately being pregnant, but it is sort of bittersweet I guess...it started so blissful and ended so tragically.

The baby department...thats another story. But we'll get there, I guess. Not without lots of tears though.

What I want to say

2007-03-12T19:41:00.001-04:00

I've been having a string of particularly bad days. Mom said that she talked to Lex last night for her birthday. She's 14w pregnant. She asked how I was doing. Mom told her I was ok. Ok? Why do I always say I'm 'ok' when people ask? I'm NOT ok! What I wanted Mom to tell her was that when her baby's heart started beating, my baby's stopped. When she went to her first prenatal visit, I went to the visit to hear that I might not ever have kids. While she's happy and blissful, I'm so, so sad.

On tv last night I heard a man say that "Every parent knows what it's like to put a baby to sleep..." No, every parent doesn't know. Please explain. Help me to understand why it's so hard to hear your child cry. Please explain to me how frustrating it can be to not be able to get them to sleep for a few hours. Please explain, I really want to know. Please explain these things to a parent who will go an eternity without hearing their child cry, without being able to put their child to sleep, and to a parent who has go through life not being able to wake up with their child in the next room. Please explain, because not 'Every Parent' knows.

Derick took me to Cabella's yesterday. He likes it there. It's like a man's toystore. I referenced it as the 'House of Furry Horror's.' He didn't explain to me that there were dead, stuffed animal carcasses hanging on the walls. There were rooms FILLED with dead stuffed furry animals. Even a chipmunk..how do you kill a chipmunk? Anyhow, he dragged me there under the pretense of the aquarium. He forgot to mention that they had dead animals. I'm by no means opposed to huntin, it's not for me but whatever...but what I have a problem with is people who hand dead animals on a wall. They kill them to hang...what's with that? They had a mechanical robot human thing there telling stories. I was suprised to see that it wasn't a 'real' taxidermied human being. It should have been because really, what's so wrong with a stuffed human in a room full of stuffed animals? I'm a proud catch and releaser....but anyway...that's not the point of this story. The point is that there were babies all over the place. Little boys with their dad's running around, and crying to their moms. I found myself looking into every stroller, or staring I guess, because I was wondering what Dylan and Riley would look like. I thought, "That baby has brown hair, what would Dylan and Riley's look like?" That baby is about 6 months old, is that what Dylan would be doing? It hurt to look, but it hurt even more not to.

We looked at apartments today. Our first joy in a long time. We decided on a place, although we have some work to do on our credit. But hopefully by June we should be alright. Fingers crossed of course!

Must be fate!

2007-03-10T15:09:00.001-05:00

Derick got some paperwork from Scott's the other day. They offer a $5000 adotpion assistance. Not many companies do that, and I certainly didn't think that they would. It must be fate! Now I'm anxious to find out if Amex offers some sort of adoption assistance too. That would be really nice.

I'm nervous about a few things though. I'm worried about a homestudy...if we will have enough money saved to prove that we can take care of a child...if my depression or the fact that I took antidepressants will show that I'm mentally ill even though I'm not...if we will be good enough to get through. I hate the worry. I always have something to worry about. What if they think we don't deserve to have a child though?

It's a long ways out. I know. But I'm so worried already. I guess just because at this point I can't imagine it not being a part of my life. I'm afraid that if the option is taken away from us that it will feel as though I'm loosing a child all over again. I want more than anything for an adopted child to be a part of our lives. I want more than anything to be a mother to a child who desperately needs it. But what if I get so attached to the idea of it, and then things don't pan out...I will feel like I lost another child in my heart. I don't know how to deal with that. I guess it's worries that we all struggle with.

Maybe because it wasn't easy to accept the fact that we may not have children of our own. It wasn't easy to accept that our babies would be born to another mother. I will never feel them move inside me, yet I will recieve the best part of them. What will happen to me if I'm preparing for this major event in my life, but it never happens? I keep seeing this baby in my head...sometimes he or she has dark skin, sometimes he or she has Asian eyes, sometimes he or she has poker straight hair...who am I kidding...usually when I picture the child it's a she! Sometimes I picture a little Russian boy with platinum blonde hair wearing Leiderhosen (sp?). I don't know why he is wearing Liederhosen...that's German...but I don't know what little boys wear in Russia! I picture these awful orphaneges and me waltzing in there and saving the life of a child that I want and need just as much as he or she wants and needs me.

What if I loose my dreams all over again? I don't know if I can come back from that. It almost puts me into an anxiety attack just thinking about! Breathe Becky! Breathe! Things will work out...there is no sense getting worked up all over it now!

The Cemetary

2007-03-08T22:18:00.001-05:00

We went to the cemetary today. Derick and I. I bought some shamrocks from AC Moore to put by their teddy bears and I wanted to be sure that I brought them in time for St. Patricks Day.

When I was a kid, St. Patty's day was my favorite. My Mimi used to go all out for us. She was Irish. We would stay over at their house the night before, and when we woke up in the morning the Leprechauns came and turned the milk green, the pancakes green, and the mashed potatoes green for dinner. Sometimes she would make potatoe pancakes, but not often. Only if we were good. She would put the green milk in her coffee like there was nothing different about it. And go about the day whisteling to herself or singing Irish songs. She would send us out searching for 4-leaf clovers and laugh when or if we found one. She would decorate the house....although she always had shamrocks and things around. So it wasn't much more than usual. My grandfather, though, is Italian. But still, since he knew how much she loved it, he would go ALL OUT and decorate the house outside. He loved to do it for her. But he hasn't since she passed away nearly 12 years ago. She loved the day so much, in fact, that she was on her death bed in the hospital and she died at 1:01am on March 18th. She just had to make it past St. Patty's day on the 17th. It always stop and say a prayer or two on St. Pattys day.

I know that Dylan and Riley will have such a special day with her. She will make it just as magical for them as she made it for me.

There was also some snow still on their side of the cemetary. The side without any sun. Derick chose that side because the grass was so green and it was shady in the summer. The snow was still fresh, and powdery. There had been no one else in there as there were not human footprints through the snow. Yet on that side, you could see the bunny tracks. It looked as though it stopped at every grave, got to Dylan and Riley's and went around it in a circle, stopped, and continued on it's way into the tree's. Derick and I laughed. We have come there many, many times just in time to see the bunny's running and playing. They eat the buds off the flowers. I would rather replace them because the bunny's ate them instead of them just dying. So I'm learning which ones they like, and those that they don't. They really like mums.

It was a peaceful day there. It's funny how quiet it is. There is a busy street in front, yet when you are in the midst of Baby Heaven it's as if the rest of the world has stopped and it's just us and our children, silently crying, but not always tears of sadness.

Wow!

2007-03-06T17:46:00.001-05:00

Life is starting to look up!!

Derick had two interviews today. The first with a warehouse that paid well, but just a blah kind of job. And the second...would be almost a 'dream' job for him. Working outside again as a Lawncare Technician for Scott's Lawncare...fertilizer and pesticides and stuff.

He came back from the first looking a little discouraged. He said that they would let him know in 3-5 days if he got the job. The second, he came back from beaming! They offered him the job, right there on the spot! They offered him much, much more money than we had both anticipated!

Our luck has changed. Life is back in our hands again. We finally, finally passed the test!

We both start on March 19th.

Now we just have to get ourselves out of this financial slump, and we will do just fine! I can't believe it! Last week ended so terribly...and literally new doors were opened yesterday. We both ended up with our 'dream' jobs making decent money. We have our goals and our dreams back...we have a reason to work...and best of all...next year it's TAC and baby makin time! Yay!

What a weekend

2007-03-04T19:59:00.001-05:00

What a shitty weekend. I wish that it was all over. I hate this. I hate life sometimes.

I wish that I had gone when Riley did.

Life is just so hard right now. Derick and I are fighting an uphill battle financially with no help or support from those around us. I just can't seem to find a job, despite all of the resumes I've sent out. And when I get an interview, either I blow it or it just doesn't happen. I don't know why. Have I changed that much in the past 10 months that makes me unhireable? What is wrong with me? I just don't get it. It's never taken me longer than a week to find a job, and here I am going on almost 2 months of DESPERATE searching.

Maybe I'm not as qualified as I think. Maybe they don't think that I can do the job. Maybe I don't possess something that they are after. Maybe I'm just not good enough.

It's not the bad luck that we had had before, but it's just a different type of sad. Before we didn't get any breaks. At least we get one here and there now. Our families are getting frustrated with us. We owe everyone money. I didn't expect to not work like this. I didn't expect to be not working this long. Because of me, our credit is shot and we are at the lowest point of our lives. Because of Dylan, I couldn't work. Because of Riley, I lost my job. It's not fair to blame them, and I'm not. But I can't help but wonder how things would have been different. How they would have played out. If we didn't have Dylan, we would still be in Florida in our house...the house that we owned together. We would still have our same jobs, the ones that we loved. We would be happy and independant. If we hadn't had Riley, I would still had my job. We would be almost out of our financial slump, and deffinately on our own by now. Instead, here we are. No babies. No family. No money. No job. No independance. Nothing. But we have each other. Sometimes though, that isn't enough. And that scares me. If we keep going on the track that we are, we aren't going to have anything...not even each other. If we continue on the track that we are, we might not even have ourselves.

I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of living this way. And it's going to take a long time to get out of this hole. We have doctors bills piled on top of doctors bills, a car payment, credit card bills (only like $500 but still), and we owe my parents, his parents, and my grandparents money. How on Earth are we going to get out? Seriously looking for suggetions...got any?

Invisible wings

2007-02-13T20:41:00.001-05:00

I finally got ahold of Renee at the hospital today. She is the Perinatal Loss Consultant. She is in chanrge of all the stillbirths and miscarriages as well as memorial items and the support group. I had talked to her a few times on the phone in the last couple of weeks. She's very compassionate.

Anyway, I pulled into the parking lot to go in through the front doors. I turned off the car, took my seatbelt off, and there was a knock at my window. There was an old lady standing there with what looked like a permanent frown. I rolled down the window and she said, "You parked to close to my car. I can't even open my door!" I appologized, she frowned at me, and I said a few obscenities as I rolled back up the window. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry mam. But I'm trying to get up the nerve to go inside and pick up pictures of my dead baby." But instead I looked over and couldn't help but notice the 4ft between my car and hers. An elephant could have gotten into the car in that space! Her husband pulled out of there quicker than I could pull back into the spot. I got out, and walked through the doors. The same doors that not two months earlier I had ran in with amniotic fluid streaming down my legs. When I got to the information desk, I asked where Renee's office was. She didn't know who I was talking about. I mumbled quietly, almost unable to speak, "Renee W. She's the perinatal loss coordinator." The lady looked at me, and back down at her computer. I don't know, she said. Check at the Perinatal center. I turned and left, thanking her for the no help that she gave. And I wondered to myself how I was going to make it up there. The perinatal center. The last place I was that I was pregnant with Riley. The place that I was when they told me there was nothing they could do. The place where Dr. Bell looked through my eyes and into my heart and told me how very sorry he was, but I was going to loose my second son. I walked past the gift shop that just a few months ago I had marvelled at. I walked by the elevators and pushed the button. The elevator came down, I got on, and behind me a prgnant woman and a doctor got on as well. The lady looked like she was due the end of May. The tears started to come. The doctor was going on and on about how when his youngest child was a newborn his oldest children were just enthralled with him and blah blah blah. This time I was crying silent sobs. I stared at the numbers. It felt like I was on the elevator for hours. Ding. Their floor came. They got off, I sighed a big sigh of relief. Ding. There's my floor. I got off, turned to my right, and started walking. I got to the door of the Perinatal center and froze. For the first time I noticed the quilts on the walls. The quilts that had the names of each baby lost. The quilts that next year would hold the names of my babies. I turned back to the left and started walking down the hall towards the NICU. I asked a nurse at the nurses station. She took me to the office, and I walked in. Renee met me immediately with his pictures in her hand. You aren't going to look at these alone I hope, she said. No, of course not. I'm waiting for my husband. I'm waiting because I'm to afraid to open them I wanted to say. She walked me back to the elevators and stopped to show me her favorite quilt. She showed me the names and they were beautiful. Each year a different one. Each year with different babies. She said in 2006 they had 42 second and third trimester losses. That's a lot, almost one a week. I asked her about the woman who was in labor, knowing her baby had passed, at the same time I was. I wanted to know how she was doing. I think about her often. She told me she wasn't sure, but she would try to get a hold of her again to see. She said she would be sure to tell me if she was going to the support group or not. We chatted a bit, I shed a few tears, and then the babies started to cry. Their sweet newborn wail. The sound that haunts me at night. I got back into the elevator, went downstairs and out to the car. I met Derick at work, we looked at the pictures together. He was so much smaller than I remember. But beautiful.

I saw something that I want to get. It's quotes for your wall, but big and decorative. One said, "A baby is an angel with invisible wings." That's what I think of when I look at the pictures of my boys. Invisible wings.

She's pregnant?!

2007-02-12T16:18:00.001-05:00

My mom spoke to my aunt last night. I have 10 other first cousins on my mom's side. The oldest is 29 and the youngest is 11. My brother and I are the only two that are married. Anyway, my mom hung up the phone with a funny smile on her face and asked me how old my oldest cousin was.

I knew that Lex was having problems with her cervix. She has HPV and has had numerous surgeries to remove the cancerous cells. She dates guys, changing them as often as I change my underwear. It's always been a family joke. But she's happy, nonetheless. And that's all that matters. She started dating this guy, who is very nice. And at Thanksgiving she mentioned to me that she wasn't using any birth control. She also said that her doctor told her that her cervix was shreaded and she would need a cerclage.

Her mother hasn't called us. She spoke to everyone else in the family, except for us. She's one of my closests aunts, and I'm hurt that she couldn't tell us. I guess she wanted to be sure before she said anything. But now my worry is that they won't say anything and I won't be able to tell Lex what I want to tell her about her medical care. I don't want her to get a TVC. I want her to go right for the TAC. I'm worried, is all. And I'm happy. Suprisingly. Happier than I thought I would be. If God willing everything turns out ok, the joy that the baby will bring my family will be immense. And if it works out for her, there is so much hope for me. I guess I'm not so upset because I feel like I'm not so alone anymore.

One year ago

2007-02-09T14:10:00.001-05:00

My sweet Dylan,

My how time has flown. On this day, last year, we found that our lives were going to take a welcome turn. We found out that we were pregnant with you.

At that time, we had no idea what God had in store for us. We had no idea what to expect, or even how to go about being parents. But we knew, without a doubt, that we loved you more than life itself.

The day was a beautiful, warm day in Orlando. I dropped Daddy off to play golf with his friend, Mike. He told me to pick him up in a few hours. I had so much to do that day. We had just moved into a new house, and I had tons of unpacking to do. But I couldn't focus my attention on anything but you. I knew that my period was due the Monday before, and it hadn't come yet. So instead of going back home, I drove over to the outlet stores. I walked into the Carter's outlet, and they had a 70% off sale! It was fate! The woman at the store asked me if I needed help. I said, "No thank you. I'm just looking. Not even absolutely sure that I'm pregnant yet." But I was sure, without a doubt. Daddy and I had a conversation a few nights before. We had talked about a baby, and I knew. There was this feeling deep in my heart that I was pregnant. So I humored him, but kept my mouth shut. The night of the conversation, I had read that you can use an OPK as a pregnancy test...so I did. And it was positive. I knew for sure that I wasn't ovulating again! I walked around Carter's for at least an hour. Feeling all the soft baby fabrics, dreaming of little boys and dinosaurs and little girls and fairytales. I touched each fabric, lingered on the softest of soft blankets, and walked out of the store with a smile on my face. After Carter's, I went to the Dollar General to get some pregnancy tests. I snuck them in my purse, and left to go pick up Daddy from his golf game.

When we got back home, Lilo and Max were waiting patiently for us. Daddy let them out, and went onto the computer. I went into the bathroom in time to hear him say, "Don't take a pregnancy test yet. I don't want to be dissapointed." It was to late. By the time he said that, I already had the positive test in hand. I called to him, and he came running. Lilo and Max were right behind him. I sqeeled, "Do you see the plus sign?" I needed desperately to know that he saw what I did. He did. We hugged each other for so long, not wanting that moment to ever go away.

The next few weeks were filled with such memories. Sleepless nights worrying about how we were going to pay for your college, sleepless nights because my stomache was growling, and sleepless nights just because I wasn't comfortable! Daddy told me, "You can't be hungry already. I just can't eat anymore!" You grew so well. You were such a strong little boy.

Oh Dylan, I miss you so very much. It seems as though holding you and carrying you were just a dream. But it wasn't. It was more than a dream, although it feels like so very long ago. I wish sometimes that time would slow down a little just so that I can adjust a little more to life without you and Riley. But it can't. And I can't let it. I need life to keep on going, as hard as it is for us. Your little soul can't even imagine how much you have bettered me. At times, it's to much for my big soul to imagine. I love you more than life itself. I would do anything to have you and Riley back here with me, but I've tried everything I could think of. And it didn't work. So for now, we have to adjust to speaking to each other silently until I can hear your voice once again.

I love you baby boy. You will always be my first born son.

Love and kisses always,
Mommy

What a weekend

2007-02-06T00:40:00.001-05:00

Friday I got a phone call from a guy about a job that I applied to. He wanted to set up an interview. So it's tomorrow. I'm excited, but in the course of reading to Derick what the job entailed, I saw that they were hiring for something else. A Multi-Day Tours Assistant. Fancy name for basically putting together things for group cruises, bus tours, charters, sending the information to the passenger, booking air fare, and keeping track of their files. It's what I've been looking to do for a long time. So I'm going to ask him to consider me for both positions. The guy was weird though, and the converstation was strange. I think he's a jerk, he thinks I'm crazy. This is pretty much how it went

Him: "Hi, may I speak to Rebecca?"
Me: "This is her."
Him: "Hi, this is so and so from Transbridge Tours, I was wondering if you could come in for an interview?"
Me: "Sure!"
Him: "I see that you left Guardian, do you mind telling me why?"
Me: "Uhh...I had some personal reasons."
Him: long pause
Me: "I found myself pregnant with a very high risk pregnancy, and needed to leave because of some complications...but we went on to loose that baby as well."
Him: "I really didn't need to know that much. That was really to much information."
Me: "I'm sorry about that. I never know exactly what to say when people ask me that."
Him: "How's Tuesday at 11?"

Now wouldn't you think that after a long pause, he would want you to elaborate some more? I thought that's what he wanted. I didn't want him to think that I left because I couldn't get along with people or management. Because that wasn't the case. But now I feel like an idiot and I think he's a jerk. Derick told me if I don't like it, I don't have to stay. But we need the money.

So on Saturday I went to Aunt Chris's for the afternoon. It was a huge step for me because I was out of my box. I went by myself, even though I wasn't completely comfortable, and ended up having a wonderful time. I had to leave though because Pop had a mass for Riley at 4:30 that afternoon. So I picked up Mom, and we went. We got there a bit late though because she missed the turn, so by the time we got there Pop and Aunt Chris were already seated and we had to take a seat in the back. I looked over at them and noticed a lady with a baby about 4 months old, the same as Dylan would have been had he been born in October. I started to cry. I saw Pop, and he was crying. I looked over again, and he was gone. About 30 mins later, he came over to me in the middle of the service and gave me a hug. I told him I loved him, and he went back to his seat, still crying. It broke my heart. I hate to see him so sad. I know how much he loves both of my boys, and his life has certainly changed because of them. It seems as though at 80 he has lost his innocence as well. Anyway, Mom rode home with him and he mentioned that the baby sitting in front of him just put him over the edge. I know what he meant. It was very hard. He was such a happy, playful baby and there we were...grieving two babies. I want so much for him to see a Great Grandchild before something happens to him, but at the same time I feel horrible for putting him through this one more time. I don't want him to see the pain on our faces, and I don't want to see the pain on his. He has so much love for children that I feel as though I'm taking that away from him. He and my grandmother had also suffered a miscarriage between the twins and my Aunt Mil. I think that he feels a lot of emotion from that as well and it doesn't help things.

On Sunday I was having a bad day. I woke up sad, and I just couldn't get out of it. Derick and I had a fight because I was sad and wanted a hug but he didn't know if I wanted to be left alone or if I wanted him to console me. So he left me a lone. Wrong! After we both got over it, we went to see Grandad since he came home from the hospital. I hate to say it, because I'm not one to feel this way, but I've lost so much respect, love, and appreciation for them in the past 8 months. When I say that I really don't care, I don't. I went over to see my aunt and uncle who had come in to town. We didn't leave without a lecture from my grandfather, and he managed to make a comment about his brother's family..."Their poor family. Out of 4 babies, they lost 2." I wanted to scream, "What about your family? What about me, your grandaughter? What about your Great Grandsons?" They see my grief as insignifigant. They think that I'm just overly sensitive. It makes me sad because I feel like Dylan and Riley don't even matter to them. To any of them. It hurts me tremendously. I don't think they will ever know the power of their words to Derick and I. At his suprise 80th birthday party he thanked all of his grandchildren, but he forgot to mention me. Then he had Heather stand up so that everyone could clap for my brother who was serving in Iraq at the time. I nearly walked out of the party, but instead I went into the other room and silently cried. I felt like I had to respect them, but how much is to much? When do you draw the line...when do you start taking care of yourself and your heart and not worry about the feelings of others? How do you protect yourself from the hurt, without hurting other people...like my father?

So it wasn't a great weekend, but it wasn't bad either. Strange, I guess. I hope that the interview goes well tomorrow. I just want out of the house. And I want out of here. I just want to go somewhere and start a new life. What a dream! Haha!

Ahhhh

2007-02-01T23:34:00.001-05:00

I just want to screem today. I don't know why, just one of those moods.

I made dinner tonight, and it was good. I'm always hesitant to make things because I know that my parents won't eat it, but then they will bitch because I don't cook. So I did. It's the first motivated thing I've done in a while. And I was motivated to do it. My Dad ate, two helpings. Derick ate, and I ate. No one died. It was good. Mom comes home from work with a bag full of Panera Bread. I said, "I told you I was making dinner. When you called, Dad told you I was making dinner." She stared at me, yelled because it was my fault that she didn't know, and then went on to make excuses that she just had a craving for a sandwich. What the fuck? No one has a craving for a sandwich that they have to make!! Then she added, "Maybe I'll have the dinner for lunch tomorrow. If I feel like it." Wonderful. There goes a whole pot of sausage and peppers, into the refrigerator to sit for days because no one will eat it. I don't know why it bother's me so much, it's her money lost. But it does. It just does. I want my OWN house. I want my OWN kitchen back. I'm tired of using hers. I have different rules in my kitchen. My rules!

Then she gets on our case about wanting to go to Florida next weekend to get the car. Plane tickets went up, so maybe Derick will have to go by himself. Although I was really looking forward to going. I'm so afraid that it will be hard though. Last time I was there I was pregnant with Dylan. The last time I laid in my bed or sat on my couch Dylan was alive inside me, happy and content. Last time I saw those things, held those things, or wore those things I was the happiest I had been my whole life. And to top it off, Febuary 9th is the day last year that we found out we were expecting him. It's bittersweet I guess. Anyhow, Mom got on our case about going. What doesn't she get that once we get my car back here it will be easier on everyone? Or that we will feel so much better about ourselves instead of putting it off, once again. We've been putting it off since October. How much longer can we go? So she just went to bed mad at me. Who cares. I don't. I have much more important things in my life than worrying about what she thinks. I just wish she could keep her opinions to herself. They make me want to bash my head in. Really.

I'm hungry again. It's late, and I know I shouldn't...but I can't help myself. I only eat one meal a day these days, dinner. So I guess I should. The councilor was a bit taken aback when I told her that I eat only one meal. Maybe that's why she wants to meet with me alone. But yuck, at the same time eating makes me want to vomit. So maybe I won't. I went through this with Dylan...I took the hottest shower I could almost to the point of my skin burning so that I wouldn't hurt so much on the inside. It seems like this not eating thing is doing the same for me. It's keeping my emotional pain at bay by initiating physical pain. I have to get out of this. I know I'm smarter than this. I'm stronger than this. I just don't know how to help myself. Derick will freak out if he hears this. He hates when I'm this way because it scares him.

On a happier note, I've come to the realization that lots of people that I don't know read my blog. And I'm thrilled. My hopes are that maybe another mother will read this and cherish her babies hugs more. Or that another grieving parent will read this and realize they aren't alone. Or that one day, people can look back and see for sure how far I've come. If you are reading now, I love to read your comments. They make me smile and realize that I'm not alone, and that somewhere out there it might touch someone. Plus, there is nothing more that I love to talk about than Dylan and Riley. I feel generic refering to them as 'the boys' isn't that weird? So I'm going to keep refering to them by name as much as I can. They are very indivitual little boys. Both loved so very much!

Ok, so I'm off to get something to eat. I'm also going to work on Riley's cross-stitch birth announcement. It will help me release some stress from my mother! Ahhh! She gets to me!

I wonder

2007-01-31T00:49:00.001-05:00

I looked out the window tonight and to my suprise there were big flakes falling. I ran and put my shoes on, got Lilo's ball, and headed on outside. It was our first snowfall since coming back home.

I stood out in the snow, looking up at the dark sky. I wondered what Dylan would do. Would he laugh and giggle? Would he smile or cry? How would he look in his tiny snowsuit? Would it be blue with dinosours? It was so peaceful. Not a noise to be heard except for the snow crunching under my feet. It was cold, but I wanted to stand out there forever watching the flakes fall on my coat, in my hair, on my face. I wanted to feel to air, to breathe it in deep, and to wonder. I wonder what snow looks like from heaven. I wonder if he was watching me think about him. I wonder if he protects his brother and keeps him safe and warm.

The snow fell in perfect, big snowlfakes. It was snow meant to be watched and snow that called to you to stick your tongue out and catch.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with them. Just for a moment. A friend from I Village says that her son asks if there is an elevator to heaven to see his brother. I wish there was. I'm just as confused about it as he is I think. But he's 3, and I'm a few more than 3!

I just wonder what things would be like if we had Dylan here or Riley was still in my belly. I can only imagine how great of a big brother Dylan is. And I can only dream of the happiness that my Mimi shares with them in heaven.