Jumping off a bridge

I feel like I'm standing on a bridge. I could run across to safety (and a lifetime without children), or I could jump. But if I jump, the river is narrow and only a few feet of it is wide enough to survive the jump. I could land on the rocky shore, and that would be sudden death (loosing another baby). So do I jump and hope that I land in the river? If I do, it wouldn't be sudden death. No matter where I would land, I would be safe...although I would be a bit more worse off if I didn't land where the water is deep. But if I do land in the deep water, I'll be safe!

So what do I do? Run to the other side, jump and risk sudden death, or take the jump and pray for safety?

That's how I feel about trying again. The fear is the equivalent of jumping off a bridge without a safety net.

Except with trying again, I will have a safety net. I'll have my cerclage...

So then, knowing that I'll have my safety net in place, why is it so difficult to move ahead?

I've stopped using the OPK's. I'll admit that they were very cheap, and perhaps there wasn't enough dye in them. But when I looked through the garbage (what else would any other rational person do?) I think I came across one that was positive. So perhaps I've O'd already and missed it. I don't know. But even if I did ovulate, the other important part of the equations hasn't been there. So it wouldn't matter anyway.

No pressure, no pressure! That's what he keeps saying.

OK hon, no pressure. But today is the day, and without pressure it's not going to happen.

So instead I go to sleep sad, blaming it on myself because yet again it's something that I just can't do right.

Even if I have O'd, there's nothing there to meet it at the end of the journey. And if I haven't, at least I have more time.

The perfectly rational part of me knows that these things can take a while. But the perfectly irrational part of me is throwing a tantrum.

Thank you for your support and your rational words. I appreciate it more than I'm sure you realize sometimes!

I think I'm loosing it

I'm not sure what to think of things anymore...

I've been using the OPK's since Sunday (cd 12) and have not had a positive yet. I'm so worried that I do really have PCOS now, and I'm not just borderline anymore.

I think that if I do, it would put me over the edge.

I want to call the doctor so badly and tell her that I need to start Clomid now. She needs to do something, NOW...but I feel like a crazy person.

It's true that it could just be a cycle that I don't ovulate. Or it's true that I'm not ovulating...or just later than normal since my cycle seems to be ranging from 32-40 days now. So that would mean that theoretically, it could be cd 16-20 that I do ovulate. In which case, I'm on cd 16 today. So it could be anytime in the next few days. My last cycle was 38 days. So that would be cd 19 that I would, theoretically, ovulate.

Does anyone know anything about this? I'm just at a loss, and I'm starting to get discouraged already. I'm getting down on myself, and there isn't anything that I can do but wait.

Day three of POAS

According to my crazy cycle, I should be on CD 13 today. Which should, theoretically, mean that I'm supposed to O tomorrow.

However, I have not had a positive OPK yet. I'm starting to get a little nervous. The Doc assured me that if I was getting a period, I was ovulating. But it's like the OPK's aren't even detecting a little bit of an LH surge because there is nothing but the control line. Should I worry? Or is that just how some of them work? I've just never had them like that before. Usually something other than the control line shows up. But now, nothing.

Maybe I've just moved to a 30 or 32 day cycle. The doc also said that was not uncommon, especially due to the amount of stress I'm under. Also, childbirth can do that as can a change in hormones. So maybe I'm more likely to O around CD 15 or 16 now.

Any thoughts?

I know that it's easier to determine if I were charting. Frankly, I'm to lazy to get up and take my temp at the same time every morning. Morning Becky is not a happy Becky.

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I have to take Lilo to the vet tonight at 7 pm. She's had goopy stuff coming out of her eye. And me, being the bad mother that I am, chalked it up to being a cold or part of her allergies. Until this morning....we woke up and it was pink and slightly swollen. The goopy stuff has also started to change colors and get....more goopy. The vet thinks that she might have an infection because maybe she scratched the lens or something.

Lilo, being the amazing dog that she is, never fails to get sick when we literally have no money. So my mother saved the day again. She offered to pay for her vet care until we can pay her back. After all, she says, a blind Lilo would not be a happy Lilo.

Another Consult

I had an appointment yesterday with a new OB-GYN. It's a practice that was referred to me by my Peri and they have 4 doctors in the group. I met with the only female doctor there and she was maybe 30 years old. She was so great. I explained our history, every painstaking detail. And she said that she know's Dr. Davis's (who will place the TAC) work very well. So she said that he's deffinately the best person to do the procedure. She also said that she will send me off to him when I'm around 10 weeks pregnant the next time around.

I've been concerned because my period has been so weird lately. It's always between 1-2 weeks later than normal. So when I told her, she said that the first thing they look at when a woman's period is irregular is the possibility of depression. The second thing is stress. But it works hand in hand....depression because of not having a baby, stress because of not having a baby, stress trying to get pregnant, and still being depressed about no baby. She said that since I'm getting a period she is sure that I'm ovulating. But I'm still going to monitor it because I'm obsessive about it. But she assured me that after we've been trying for 3 months and it doesn't happen, she wants to look into things further and find out why it isn't happening. I'm not sure what that means, but we have a follow-up appointment at the end of March.

And as far as delivery goes, I will see all 4 doctors through my pregnancy. At the end, I'll choose the one that I feel most comfortable with to perform the c-section. If there are any problems throughout I'll get whichever doctor is on call.

So we'll see...I guess we'll start trying as soon as my period is over for this cycle. I'm going to go out and get some OPK's to start monitoring things. So we'll see....

Wish us luck!

Happy Birthday Riley

Sweet Riley, where do I begin?

You brought so much into my life when all I could see was an endless darkness. You gave me hope and joy, and you made me smile when I thought all smiles were gone forever. In so many ways, you saved me from the despair that I became.

I love you so very much, and I hope that you know that Daddy and I made the best choice that we could. This day, last year, was the most difficult day of our lives. We had to make the choice of a lifetime, and I pray everyday that we made the right choice. But I think that it's a choice that will haunt me for the rest of our lives on this earth. Perhaps I won't know until we meet again.

My Riley, your name means courage and strength. And ironically, that is what you have brought to Daddy and I. The courage to more forward and the strength to get up each morning. We miss you every day of our lives, and I wish more than anything that THIS Christmas would have been our Christmas. But it wasn't, and I'm not sure that next year will be any different. But I do know that we are together, just in a different way than most family's.

I love you my little one, never forget that. Happy Birthday in Heaven today! Share your cake with your brother, and let Mimi fuss over you. That's what she does. She loves you too, you know.

Happy Birthday sweet boy!
Love always,
Mommy

Merry Fucking Christmas

If this Christmas couldn't be any worse, I woke up this morning with a stye. You know those things...painful, swollen, and red. My eye hurts so bad, and I keep putting hot compresses on it and begging it to go down before I return to work on Wednesday. The worst part is, I think, that I haven't had a stye since like 8th grade or something. It's miserable.

I don't want to go to sleep tonight. If I go to sleep then Christmas has to come. And if Christmas comes I have to face the reality that once again I'm spending it at the cemetary instead of with my boys. I think I'm doing ok, then I realize that I have to go visit Dylan and Riley at the cemetary and it blows everything to shit.

I went today to get some balloons. One Christmas and one "Happy Birthday" because for Riley, it's both a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday. And I've been so bad...not going to the cemetary like I hope. I feel guilty, but now we live much farther away and it's just really hard. But I still feel guilty...like those are just excuses that I make to rationalize things. But anyway, the lady at the store where I got the balloons asked what type I wanted. I told her they were for children and she asked what cartoons they liked or which character was their favorite. She didn't know, obviously. And how many people really buy balloons for dead children? But it made me feel bad because I don't even know what they would like. I had no idea how to answer her. So I decided on Mickey Mouse. I like Mickey, and I know Dylan did because he and I spent so much time there early on. So I figured that Riley would too. Dylan and I had our perfect Disney memories. And I wish that I was able to take Riley too. I would do anything to take Riley.

And if things couldn't get worse, my cousin lost her second child to IC a few days ago. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers because she is in my thoughts every moment of every day. My heart breaks for her and her husband and her sweet daughter. I wish that there was something more that I could do for her except saying simply, "I know, I'm sorry that it happened to you. It sucks." The last thing that I wanted in this life was for her to become a member of this club that I'm in. It's the last thing that I want for anyone.

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On a happier note, my parents gave us our Christmas presents tonight. WE GOT A Wii!!!! I'm so excited, I had wanted one so badly and Mom happened to be at Target at the right time. She grabbed it up as they were handing one to another lady. She said that she was afraid to walk in the parking lot with it...but she stuffed it in the trunk, wrapped it in paper and then placed it in another box just in case (I know, extreme, but this is coming from the woman who won't listen to a cd that's burned because she thinks there is a tracking device in it). Derick and I just got done playing, and now he's sleeping. I took the Wii fitness training and it gives you a Wii age based on strength, agility, and stamina. My estimated age was 65! Haha! Derick wasn't much better....his was 64!

Mom says that everyone needs to have fun in life. She even had friends of friends calling her to plead their case about why they needed the Wii and would buy it from her. But she said, "Sorry...my daughter and son-in-law need this much more." Lol, gotta love Mom's! I was completely shocked because she had gotten Guitar Hero for Derick and took it back after she got the Wii.



Things are different this year, that's for sure. But Derick got a job, and he starts on Wednesday. That means we are back to trying again! So things have to start looking up. We've been at the rock bottom...so we have to continue going up. It's just not an option to go back down.

And the saga continues...

I feel like we're on an episode of Jerry Springer or Montel as the situation just keeps escilating and I don't know how to get out of the middle.

Heather and the baby were kicked out of her mother's house. She is currently living with her girlfriend, her husband, and her newborn baby. But that's only temporary.

She's decided that she needs to give the baby up for adoption. And she came over for dinner last night and told us that she is going to ask her father if he would like him first, and if he can't take care of him then she would like us to have him. Her mother, Nathaniels grandmother, is unfit to take care of him. She is good to him, however she abandoned Heather and her brother when they were toddlers. Who's to say that she won't do it again?

I told her that we would need to go through the courts and make sure everything is legal. I couldn't bare for anyone to take him away from us. And it would have to be ok with everyone involved, even my family.

Nathaniel is such a dream to have around. He laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard in his life. He curls up on your chest to go to sleep, and he sucks his thumb because he's a bit insecure and he's teething. He drools more than any baby I've ever met, and can successfully ruin a nice outfit in a matter of seconds. I can't wait to have a baby in my life that when I close my eyes at night that is all I see.

When I called my mom to tell her, she was angry. Angry that I would have given my life to save my boys and Heather is just throwing up her arms because it's to much for her. She's worried that Derick and I are setting ourselves up for the biggest hurt of our lives. All of which we have considered.

Sometimes when I look into Nathaniels eyes I think he's Riley for just a split second. In my head, I know that he's not Riley. But my heart feels otherwise. Perhaps that is why I'm so torn in my decision. He will never be Riley, but it's very hard for me to understand at times. Even my mother in law said that at times she has trouble understanding that he's not her grandson. Sometimes she has to think twice that he's her nephew. He was born just 3 days after Riley's due date.

So to make a long story short, I cried myself to sleep last night. Heather's mother said that if she gave him to us that she would never speak to us again and that we didn't deserve him. Or something to that effect. It killed me because after all we've been through....we still don't deserve to have a child? Or he's just better than us? Maybe that's it. Maybe we aren't good enough to raise her grandchild. But regardless, she would fight it. And to be perfectly honest, I don't have the strength to fight it. I don't have the will to go to court and battle for my right to be a mother. I know I'm better than that. I know that I did everything I could for my sons. And I know that I would have given my life if it would have spared theirs. That I know in my heart, and I don't need to prove it to anyone. Especially not a woman who abandoned her's.

Now I don't know how to tell her that as much as we want to be a part of his life, he's better off with his grandfather. Unless, of course it comes down to him not having a home. But I would be much happier if I could spend a weekened a month with him, taking him shopping and to amusement parks, the movies, and to teach him how to play miniature golf. I would be much happier being his aunt and showing him the best part of the world, while his grandfather teaches him right from wrong and that every action has a consequence. I want him to be a huge part of my children's lives because deserves that. He deserves to have a family that loves him unconditionally. And that, to me, is the biggest job of an aunt and uncle. To love their nephew regardless of how messy his room is, how angry he gets at his parents, and how bad his grades are. That's what I want. That is the relationship that I want with Nathaniel.

Another is lost

Derick's cousin Heather had stopped talking to us. We couldn't figure out why. Until yesterday.

Apparently she didn't talk to us because she thought we wanted to take Nathaniel away from her. What? What in God's name would lead her to believe that we wanted to take him away from her? It made me feel like an awful baby-stealing freak!

So I tried to call her. No answer. We've been trying on and off to get ahold of her for weeks now about his baptism. She asked us after he was born to be his Godparents. We were so excited and it meant so much to us that we cried with joy.

Derick went over today and cornered her to talk to him. She claims that she's been busy. He asked her what we needed to do for the baptism and she told him that we were no longer Nathaniels Godparents. She's asked her friends instead.

We feel like we've lost another baby. Not that he was ours to begin with, or that he is even physically lost....but that he's gone out of our lives for good. Derick asked me to take the toys that we got him for Christmas. And he also asked that all of things that we gave her when he was born be returned. Clothes, a basinette, a boppy, toys...bottles...baby moniters...he wants them back. Nathaniel is no longer a part of our lives because his mother is to insecure with herself to even allow us to have contact with him.

What is wrong with us? Why are we not good enough? Did we do something terribly wrong or do we just not deserve to be a part of a child's life.

Poor Derick called me at work, in tears. He had such dreams for Nathaniel....fishing trips, football games, and buying him the loudest drum set that he can find.

Instead, here we are picking up the pieces of our hearts again.

Compelled to write

Today is a perfect day for writing. It's snowing outside, and just beautiful. I miss my boys terribly on days like today. I wonder if they would be catching snowflakes on their tongues.

Yesterday my Mom told me something rather suprising. Suprising, I guess, becuase I didn't think anyone else REALLY thought about us. My grandfather said something to her about Thanksgiving. He said, "How can I be happy and joyful for Alexa and the baby when I see so much pain in Becky and Derick's eyes?" He said that he's happy my cousin and her baby are coming in for Thanksgiving, but he knows that it's going to be difficult for the rest of us. It kills me that he has to know that babies die. He's such a loving, kind, generous man. And he adores all babies. But it just kills me that he lost his innocence as well.

Derick got a tattoo for the boys. When I find my camera, I'll take a picture of it! Lol! It's a cross, with blue tribal stuff in the background. At the bottom it says, "In memory of Dylan and Riley." He came home and showed it to me. Before thinking about what I was saying, I blurted out "Oh that's nice. There's even room at the bottom for the next baby." Yikes! It prompted a long talk with Derick and him trying, unsuccessfully, to get me to understand that we aren't going to loose any more babies.

Well...whatever....

How do you change a person's view on the way of life that they have become accustomed to?

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On another note, I've gotten most of my things hung up here. I attempted to do it myself last night, but after one broken drill bit and almost falling off of the step stool Derick decided he would help!

I can't believe we're home!

Last night as we were laying in bed Derick said, "We could put the bassenette here and the crib could go in the living room on the other side of the couch." I'm like, what? Are you serious? Haha, it made me feel good again to make plans about the future.

It's not going to happen

AF was 6 days late. One pregnancy test later...resulted in a very, very faint positive. Yesterday AF arrived. Heavy and strong, and not holding back. Was it indeed a BFP but it escaped before I could catch it? Or was it a result of looking at a test longer than the time window. Less than 10 mins, but still more than 3. Was it placed there just to make me wonder if we are REALLY ready? Or was it some evil trick to make me cry myself to sleep? Regardless, it was enough to do all of those things.

I am ready. I think. I want to have a child more than I want to breathe. But I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to happen again. I'm scared that I can't take care of a child. But I'm more scared, I think, of what will happen if I don't have a child. I'm judgemental. I'm mean, bitter...angry. I'm hurt and I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm fake happy. I tell myself in my head that I have to smile now. It's a happy occasion. Even when I want to twist the neck of the person that is telling me how complete their life is with children.

I just can't take it. I cried all night last night. Derick says that we aren't ready. And he doesn't know when we'll be ready. I told him that when he says that I feel like it's going to be forever. That we aren't ever going to have children. He thinks that I'm crazy. And for a small moment, I blamed him. I blamed him for me being so unhappy. But it's not his fault. It's mine. And I can't get away from it. It will be my burden to bare for the rest of my life.

Someday we'll get there. I have no doubt. But I'm tired of waiting. I want it now.

October 15, 2007

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss memorial day. Here's to you all and your sweet angels!

I got this poem today, maybe some of you did too.


A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

I'm heading home to light my candles, how about you?

Sweet boy

My Dear Riley,

Today was the day, last year, that we found out you were on your way. Daddy and I were beyond excited. You were our hope and our future. We loved you from the start. I would tell you stories about your brother watching over you. Daddy would rub my belly and I would get upset because I didn't want you to be overly tickelish like I am. When we had our first ultrasound, I cried. Grandma was with us. We were all so excited.

I miss you, my sweet. More than you could ever imagine. I needed you in my life so badly, and you were, just different than what I expected.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to provide for you the way I had wanted. I hope that you were happy and comfortable inside my belly. Because you sure were loved.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Not a second that I don't miss our talks. And believe it or not, I still imagine that I feel you kicking strong and happy. The doctor's call that phantom kicks. I don't know how long they last, but they are still going strong. And my heart skips a beat everytime I feel it.

I love you baby, more than you will ever know. Have a great day with the angels today! Be nice to your brother, and tell Mimi that I love her.

Sweet dreams,
Mommy

It's official

We've started trying.

I'm terrified, ecstatic, and nervous all at the same time! We'll see where life takes us, I guess. But I just talked to my boss, as I was nervous about telling her about the surgery. And she said that she appreciated my honesty and was glad that I told her and gave her the heads up. They will put me out on salary continuation (short-term dissability) but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Because realistically, I could already be pregnant or it could take 4 years. Who knows? So if it takes a while, it's not going to matter anyway. But I just wanted her to know where we stood. I feel happy that I talked with her.

I don't know where the next few months are going to take us. But I know that I'm onboard for the ride. There's no getting off now!

Decisions shouldn't be this hard

God willing, I will ovulate this weekend. Or at least that's how my cycle used to be.

But I'm stuck. I don't know why. These decisions shouldn't be this hard. I want more than anything to be pregnant again. But I'm so afraid that the fear is clouding my decisions. Why am I so afraid? I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again my families opinions will be flown at me quicker than I can react. I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again, I'll have an early miscarriage. And if I do make it, what about the surgery? I'm terrified of the surgery! Not so much of what's involved....more so of the pain. Which is rediculous. I would absolutely take physical pain every day for the rest of my life to avoid the pain of loosing another child. I just don't do well in hospitals. I'm scared to be there by myself. I just don't like them. I feel like everytime I go into one, someone dies. And it's a feeling that I just can't get rid of.


I went to the doctor today because I've been feeling like shit. I thought I had the flu, or something like it. Turns out that it's just a God awful sinus infection. I had to get antibiodics. And right on the label it says not to take if I'm pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant. Great. I should have mentioned that to the Doc. But I wasn't thinking, I guess. Do you think I'm safe to take it? The chances of it happening on the first try are slim. I'm deffinately not expecting it. Although for whatever reason, I have a history of getting pregnant while being very sick. With Dylan I had Pneumonia.

Well anyway...on the upside of things I bought the Knifty Knitter. I saw someone at the airport with it last weekend and I knew that I needed to get it. It's fantastic!! I already knitted a scarf and it only took me about 3 hours. So I bought some new baby yarn. I had some stuff left over from Riley's blanket, but I explained to Derick that was for him. Dylan's is burried with him, he was rapped in it. But I haven't been able to pick up Riley's blanket since last winter. I just can't do it. So I'm determined to finish this whole blanket....and USE IT for our baby. It's going to be great! I'll post pictures when I'm done : )

I think I've made up my mind

Last night my mom, her twin sister, and I went out to eat. I was so down. I've had such a dissapointing week that when things like this happen, I become very, very low. I've been taking my Zoloft almost every day for a week now because I'm so stressed out and anxious. I feel the anxiety building and it's unnerving.

So anyway, we dropped off my aunt and stopped over at my Grandfather's house. My Pop has always been a signifigant person in my life. He's just an amazing man. Always able to look for the positive in a really bad situation. He's not very good with words, but what he says and how he relates things make sense in a really weird way....he loves to joke with us, give us advice, and he was there for me when we lost both of the boys. He sobbed with us, prayed with us, and even led the Our Father at both of their funerals.

He mentioned while we were there that he got a card from my cousin, Lex. She gave birth to her little girl on August 19th and named her Olivia. But at Lex's baby shower, she made a BIG point to go on and on about how Olivia was the first great-grandchild and I literally wanted to puke. I was so disgusted and hurt that she forgot. In the card from Lex, he said that she thanked him and went on to say that she wishes that our grandmother were here to hold her and see her. Then he said that my aunt is going to parade the baby all around at Thanksgiving when they come home and that she wants a 4 generation picture. My aunt is very understanding, and she's really great...but she doesn't truly get it. And it's not that she hasn't tried, but it's impossible to understand unless you've been there.

When we got home, it hit me. I need to try for a baby now. I'm nervous about it, and scared about it...but I'm also excited about it. I need this. I'm afraid that Pop won't be around to see my child if I wait. And I know that sounds rediculous, but I really want him to see our child living and breathing and laughing instead of so much sadness surrounding me. I know that other's have their opinions. And I know that we still have a lot of work to do on our lives. But we won't ever be ready. We will never be completely out of debt, we won't ever be completely secure in our jobs or in our lives....but the only true happiness that we have is another child. And that's what we need right now more than ever. The living situation and the debt situations will work themselves out. They always do. We've handled the worst thing that could happen to parents, twice. We can most certainly handle this.

The Consult

I appologize to all who care about my lack of information on my appointment! I've been so busy with work and such that I didn't even have time to update over the weekend!!

The appointment went amazingly well...

I was so nervous that I made myself physically ill in the hours leading up to it. When we got there, he greeted us warmly and made us feel like he understood why we were there. He explained the procedure and said that given the information that we knew with Dylan he would have proceeded with Riley's pregnancy the same as my regular OB did. That was comforting. He also said that he has a very high success rate, even with a history of PROM. He said that he did a study on women with a history of PROM, 3 of 4 carried to term with the TAC with no problems. One PROM'd at 18w but since the TAC was so tight it didn't allow the water to leak so she carried until 32 weeks and that child is now just over a year old. Along the same lines of the TAC being so tight, it does not allow infection to set in. Not that it couldn't, but in the 20 years he has been performing this operation he has not seen any problems.

Then he did the ultrasound. It showed that pre-pregnancy my cervix measures just around 2cm. The 'average' cervix is usually between 5-6cm and they consider 3 to be short. Granted, there are many women that have no cervix at all...so I'm a bit better off than them. However, he was able to put his finger through my cervix almost into my utuerus. That was worrisome...either it didn't close completely after delivery or it was never closed to begin with. We probably won't ever know. Probably has never closed after delivery. He said that knowing that he would prefer to place the stitch around 10w instead of the regular 12-13w. Not just because it's short, but leaving it open could let in a major infection...not just for a growing fetus but for me as well.

He is very, very confident that I will be able to carry not just one, but as many pregnancies as I want with the TAC in place!!

Derick and I over the moon ecstatic!! Now it's onto deciding when a good time to start trying is. Of course everyone in our lives has their own opinions and they aren't shy about voicing them. Particularly my family. So when we straighten out OUR lives we are going to move forward. We hope to be straight by November or December : )

A few more months...

Derick and I had a chat last night. I was complaining how the birth control screws up my cycles so much that I don't even know when to expect AF. He told me that I didn't have to take it anymore if I did't want to. What?! He said for the 3 times that we have sex a month we can use other alternatives !!

But it's only for August...one month and 10 days until we can try again! One more month and 10 days until I'm actually doing something.

And only one month and 10 days until I'm petrified, irrational, and fearful of every cramp, ache, twinge, lack of naseau, lack of breast aches...yikes...when I write it all out I wonder why I would ever want to go through that again. The lack of control, the unknowing, the constant worry, fear, unanswered prayers...

Why would anyone put themselves through that? Simple. Because I need to have a child more than I need to breathe. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to hold my own child to my heart and listen to him cry. Or watch him squirm and giggle...it must be the most incredible feeling in the world.

Only a few more months and this will be all over...this relentless worry...it will all be in vain. And this time, next year, God will bless us with a baby. And if it happens to be that it is not a child of my own womb, it will be a child of my own heart. The very baby that I've been wating rather impatiently for. Impatient only because I have so much love to give.

Am I moving forward?

I wonder if I am making any progress. Some days I feel like I really am, and then others, like today, all I can think about is the boys. What would they be doing? Dylan would be talking and eating solid foods. Riley would be crawling around after Lilo on the floor.

I wonder if I'm not moving forward the way I should not because of grief, but because of the trauma that I experienced both physically and emotionally. Is it just to much for me to handle? When I had Dylan, I nearly died. That was huge physicall trauma. When I had Riley, I lost all of the faith that I had in ANYTHING. I lost the faith that I had in myself, in life, in my doctors, in the medical field in general...everything, it seems, except for my faith in God. When I thought that all was lost, He was the only thing that I clung to. Mostly because I didn't have anything left. When Dylan was born, I shunned him wondering how he could do this to me. But with Riley, it was different. I didn't have anything else left except for Him.

Is it possible to be so traumatized that a person wouldn't want to move on in their life? Because I feel as though I'm griefed out. I miss the boys every second of every day, but I understand that they are there and I am here. I understand that things will never be the same again. Yet the fear of the past, the emotional and the pysical trauma, are keeping me from moving forward. That fear is what keeps me from being able to be positive about another baby. That fear is what is holding me back. How do I get past something like that to move on?

Don't you need to be a Mom to wear a mother's ring?

Derick bought me a beautiful ring for Mother's Day. We finally picked it up on Friday. It's white gold with Dylan, Riley's, and Derick's birthstones on it. They are marquis cut, seperated by diamonds. I adore it!

I wore it to work today and proudly showed everyone around me. Heading to the bathroom, I ran into another girl at work that knows 'our' story. When I showed her, she said "Don't you have to be a Mom to wear a mother's ring?" I felt my face turn red. I muttered, "It's for the boys." and I walked away. She immediately felt bad. I knew she did because I could see it in her face. But I felt bad. It made me feel stupid. Maybe I shouldn't be wearing a mother's ring. But it's beautiful and I love it. I want to wear it. And when people ask about it, I will tell them why I'm wearing it. It's for my boys. I AM a mother.

Two down

Two babies were born within 10 days. I'm in overload...

Derick's cousin, Heather, went into labor on June 13th. Her son, Nathaniel Alexander weighed 7lbs 9oz and was born on the 14th. Just three days after Riley should have been born. I wonder often if Riley would have been born the same time...it would have been fun for cousins to share the same birthday. It just should have been different. Things should have been so different...

Friday my sister in law called from Florida on vacation. Her sister, due at the end of August was having some problems and they admitted her to the hospital. Her son, Landon Jacob was born via c-section on Friday weighing 4lbs 6oz and very healthy at only 32 weeks.

Suprisingly...I'm ok. When I hold Nathaniel I feel a this connection with him that I can't explain. I feel like I have an outlet for those primal urges that I didn't have before. It's refreshing. But it makes me want to have another baby so much more. I long for the feeling of life inside me.

Sondra, probably the only person in my life that understands. She understands if I don't feel like talking or if I don't answer the phone or call her back right away. She understands when I need to talk, when I'm happy, scared, or just sad. She celebrates with me when things go well, and cries with me when things don't. She called me today to tell me that she was expecting again in January. I'm truly happy for her, and although I still think about the boys...I'm more bummed out that I can't be pregnant with her right now! I know that the time will come, and we will be...but that's October!! It seems like so far away. It seems like in the next 3 months....yes, only 3 months....things will completely change and something will happen and we'll be pushed back another 3 months or something. I feel like in only 3 months things could blow up in my face again and we'll be back where we started. So I would rather start now and avoid the possibilities of everything falling apart.

It also doesn't help that my period has been so screwed up. It seems like almost monthly, even though I'm on birth control, my period is off by a few days. I get my hopes up, even though I know it's virtually impossible, and I'm let down when it comes. It's a horrible game that I play wiht myself. It's just neverending.