Thanksgiving

I can't believe Thanksgiving has come and passed. It's almost Christmas. A time when I should be celebrating with my baby. Yesterday was hard. I did my best to keep my mind off things, but it was hard that it seemed as though no one remembered Dylan. He should be 6 weeks old. Keeping me up at night, learning to smile, and watching the world pass by learning something new every day. But we have so much to be thankful for this year.

On Wednesday we had an appointment with Dr. Kim. We went over our usual appointment type things. Then he tried with the dopplar to find the hearbeat. But he couldn't find it. I had myself prepared for that. So he tried with the ultra sound. He could see the baby, but couldn't get in close enough. So then he used the vaginal ultra sound and sure enough...there was Sprout moving around and his chest moving with every beat of his/her heart. It was wonderful. We got a picture and I'm going to put it into our scrapbook for the new baby. I can't believe I'm going to be 12 weeks on Monday! It's going so quickly!

On December 13th we have a 14 week ultra sound at the Peri's office. That will be nice to see. I'm hoping (wishful thinking) that we will be able to tell the sex then. It would be such a great Christmas present! I pray more than anything that this baby will be healthy. But I know it will. I can feel it in my heart.

If it's a girl, we are going to name her Abigale. If it's a boy, Alexander after Pop. It would be such a great tribute and I could only hope that their personalities are similar.

That's about it for today. I will write more later!

6 months, really??

Dylan,

I can't believe that it's 6 months tonight that we learned you were no longer with us. 6 months tomorrow, since you were born. 6 months ago right now, I was blissfully unaware of what was in store for me. Then my world crashed the moment my water broke.

Yet here I am, pregnant again with your brother or sister, and the worry is eating me alive. I worry with every twinge of pain, everytime I get up to go to the bathroom, and evertime something just 'doesn't feel right.' My emotions are all over the place, but here I am wondering about you in heaven. I see other babies that are about 6 months old and I wonder what it is that you are doing in heaven. What am I missing while you are there and I am here? Are you teething? Have you eaten solid foods yet? Are you crawling...starting to think about walking? I can't believe I'm going to miss your first steps. But I know that lots of people are there watching over you, taking care of you, and holding onto you until Mommy and Daddy get there. I miss you so badly that sometimes I just want to walk away from the life that I have here. To take Daddy and Sprout and just walk away. I have all I need with the 3 of you. You are my life, my family. The 3 of you are what keep me getting up every morning. We haven't had it easy. Sometimes I wonder why God has to test us like this. We should have passed by now. But I know in my heart that things will be ok. We will have a home (soon I hope) where we can all live with you watching over us. But I can't help but think that maybe we should just pack and leave here and start our life over somewhere else. I don't know where. But somewhere else that is just ours. A special place just for the 4 of us. Somewhere spectacular with a bright sun, mild weather, and an ocean breeze. Somewhere that's magical and extraordinary. Imagine what our life could be like. Imagine it with me, Dylan.

Someday our dreams will come true. Until then, we just have to keep on swimming.

I love you so much baby, and I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow in heaven. I will be thinking of you and smiling because I know that you are there chasing Felix, watching the grass grow, and eating Mimi's mashed potatoes!

Good bye for now my little Dyl Pickle, Daddy and I miss you so very much.

Love always,
Mommy