Friday, July 20, 2007

A few more months...

Derick and I had a chat last night. I was complaining how the birth control screws up my cycles so much that I don't even know when to expect AF. He told me that I didn't have to take it anymore if I did't want to. What?! He said for the 3 times that we have sex a month we can use other alternatives !!

But it's only for month and 10 days until we can try again! One more month and 10 days until I'm actually doing something.

And only one month and 10 days until I'm petrified, irrational, and fearful of every cramp, ache, twinge, lack of naseau, lack of breast aches...yikes...when I write it all out I wonder why I would ever want to go through that again. The lack of control, the unknowing, the constant worry, fear, unanswered prayers...

Why would anyone put themselves through that? Simple. Because I need to have a child more than I need to breathe. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to hold my own child to my heart and listen to him cry. Or watch him squirm and must be the most incredible feeling in the world.

Only a few more months and this will be all over...this relentless will all be in vain. And this time, next year, God will bless us with a baby. And if it happens to be that it is not a child of my own womb, it will be a child of my own heart. The very baby that I've been wating rather impatiently for. Impatient only because I have so much love to give.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Am I moving forward?

I wonder if I am making any progress. Some days I feel like I really am, and then others, like today, all I can think about is the boys. What would they be doing? Dylan would be talking and eating solid foods. Riley would be crawling around after Lilo on the floor.

I wonder if I'm not moving forward the way I should not because of grief, but because of the trauma that I experienced both physically and emotionally. Is it just to much for me to handle? When I had Dylan, I nearly died. That was huge physicall trauma. When I had Riley, I lost all of the faith that I had in ANYTHING. I lost the faith that I had in myself, in life, in my doctors, in the medical field in general...everything, it seems, except for my faith in God. When I thought that all was lost, He was the only thing that I clung to. Mostly because I didn't have anything left. When Dylan was born, I shunned him wondering how he could do this to me. But with Riley, it was different. I didn't have anything else left except for Him.

Is it possible to be so traumatized that a person wouldn't want to move on in their life? Because I feel as though I'm griefed out. I miss the boys every second of every day, but I understand that they are there and I am here. I understand that things will never be the same again. Yet the fear of the past, the emotional and the pysical trauma, are keeping me from moving forward. That fear is what keeps me from being able to be positive about another baby. That fear is what is holding me back. How do I get past something like that to move on?

Monday, July 02, 2007

Don't you need to be a Mom to wear a mother's ring?

Derick bought me a beautiful ring for Mother's Day. We finally picked it up on Friday. It's white gold with Dylan, Riley's, and Derick's birthstones on it. They are marquis cut, seperated by diamonds. I adore it!

I wore it to work today and proudly showed everyone around me. Heading to the bathroom, I ran into another girl at work that knows 'our' story. When I showed her, she said "Don't you have to be a Mom to wear a mother's ring?" I felt my face turn red. I muttered, "It's for the boys." and I walked away. She immediately felt bad. I knew she did because I could see it in her face. But I felt bad. It made me feel stupid. Maybe I shouldn't be wearing a mother's ring. But it's beautiful and I love it. I want to wear it. And when people ask about it, I will tell them why I'm wearing it. It's for my boys. I AM a mother.