Sunday, October 26, 2008

I forgot!

I forgot Dylan's due date. I can't believe I forgot. It was October 18th, and I'm 10 days late. I know it's not that important, but it was important to me. No one else remembered, not even Derick.

Ah, happens, I guess. I know that I don't love him any less because I forgot. I still think about him everyday. I'm just disappointed because I wanted to get to the cemetery.

Anyway...I needed to ask a few questions of you out there...

First, I want to start a blog or something for girls with an incompetent cervix. I've come across what seems like a lot of bloggers with IC lately. Maybe just a list of blogs that people can reference. I'm not sure, I haven't figured it out yet. But if there was one place that people could go specifically for info about their babies, cerclages, grief, or whatever...just one more place to comiserate with others. So if you suffer from IC, please leave a comment if you'd be interested. If you normally lurk, leave me a comment and I'll add you too...

Second, you all left me such beautiful comments when Lily was born. I am doing her scrapbook and was wondering if I could use your comments. I want to show her how kind you all are. How she was loved before she was even born, and how special she is. I'm sure she won't realize it until she's a mother, but I can hope. Anyway, I was wondering if that was ok with you. Let me know, and if for some reason it wasn't I won't add it to her book.

Third, my MIL acknowledged the other night how I was treated by Derick's aunt and ex-stepfather. She made a point to tell me that if she ever thought I wasn't taking care of Lily she wouldn't hesitate to say something. She then went on to say that she had nothing to say about the subject other than the fact that Lily is thriving and that proves our level of care. I'm pretty sure she'll say something to them. She isn't one to keep her mouth shut especially at the expense of us.

So nothing new to report here. Lily is sleeping through the night but has stopped taking naps during the day. Or, if she takes a nap it isn't until 7pm and then she doesn't go to sleep until 1 or 2 AM. Tonight, though, I woke her up and she went to bed at 11. Hopefully she sleeps good tonight. I go back to work in 2 weeks so we better get situated now!

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Each day we have moments in our lives that profoundly change who we are and what we believe. These moments, although not tangible to others all the time, make up who we are, who we love, what we think, and how we live our lives.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Day.

There are moments with my pregnany with Dylan that are special to me. They encompass his life. They are who they are. The day I found out I was pregnant, for instance. That profoundly changed my life. He loved to eat baked potatoes. In fact, once Derick caught me up at 3am making a plate full of baked potatoes loaded with sour cream and butter. The moment that we heard his heartbeat for the first time. We were speechless. The moment that we learned he was gone...forever in our hearts. And the moment that we laid him to rest among the trees and the birds. There have been so many moments since then. When I was pregnant with Riley I was obsessed with everything pumpkin flavored. It was the fall, afterall. He loved Toaster Strudel. I ate boxes of them a week. His heartbeat was music to our ears. We walked together, Riley and I. Before the cerclage was placed. We talked about his life...the dreams I had for him. I remember the moment that we had to make the decision, the final ultrasound confirming what we had already known. Holding him in my arms, and laying him at rest with his brother. The memorial service and the people that we invited and those that we didn't invite.

Those are the moments that made up their lives and that shaped mine.

Tell me about your moments.

October 15th is a day filled with pride for me. Pride for the babies gone to soon, and pride for their parents to carry on. I've remembered each and every one of your babies today, and so many more.

Monday, October 13, 2008


Our sweet little girl has turned into a monster!

Ok, not a monster...but you get the idea...

She's been crying since her due date. Inconsolable, painful sounding, bone-chilling cries. I called the doctor last week and they changed her Zantac to Prevacid hoping that would do the trick. The Prevacid is much stronger, but if we didn't notice a change by Sunday to call and be seen today. After a particularly painful, exasperating morning, I called and she was seen this afternoon.

She weighs 9lbs 10oz! They changed her formula to a hyperallergenic kind. It's nearly $26 a can, but we've seen drastic improvements from the samples that they gave us today. She's taken 2 feedings so far tonight and hasn't spit up one bit. I asked about herbal things to help, and he said that he can't recommend anything because there isn't enough evidence but that it can't hurt. So we bought some Colic Ease Gripe Water and she sucked it down happily. Not sure how it worked, but she fell asleep soon after. So maybe it's doing something...

The Ped stressed the importance of having help with a colic baby. He explained that he had two mother's throw their babies through a closed window when they couldn't take it anymore. It broke his heart, he said, and my mom started crying. I can't even imagine. He said that's what happens when 18, 19, or 20 year old women have baby's that they can't care for and have no support. I have to say that it's not the crying that gets to me, it's the fact that there is nothing that I can do about it and she's obviously in pain. So why in the hell would you take the crying out on a child? It's not like they can do anything about it...they are crying because they're in pain! Ugh, makes me sick...

(Speaking of teenage mothers that don't care about their children) Guess what I'm doing next weekend? Taking Lily and N to the pumpkin patch. Yes, you read correctly...I'm taking N. It's a huge step for me, and I'm terrified that people will assume he's our child. It's very hard for me when people assume that he's mine. I guess because for so long I wanted him to be mine. He's my shadowchild, and I loved him like he was mine. Derick is leery, but the poor kid doesn't go anywhere. It's the least we can do, right? Let him pick out a pumpkin and then help him carve it...he deserves that and so much more. I love him, I do, but it hurts so much still...

Wednesday, October 01, 2008


"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."