Two down

Two babies were born within 10 days. I'm in overload...

Derick's cousin, Heather, went into labor on June 13th. Her son, Nathaniel Alexander weighed 7lbs 9oz and was born on the 14th. Just three days after Riley should have been born. I wonder often if Riley would have been born the same time...it would have been fun for cousins to share the same birthday. It just should have been different. Things should have been so different...

Friday my sister in law called from Florida on vacation. Her sister, due at the end of August was having some problems and they admitted her to the hospital. Her son, Landon Jacob was born via c-section on Friday weighing 4lbs 6oz and very healthy at only 32 weeks.

Suprisingly...I'm ok. When I hold Nathaniel I feel a this connection with him that I can't explain. I feel like I have an outlet for those primal urges that I didn't have before. It's refreshing. But it makes me want to have another baby so much more. I long for the feeling of life inside me.

Sondra, probably the only person in my life that understands. She understands if I don't feel like talking or if I don't answer the phone or call her back right away. She understands when I need to talk, when I'm happy, scared, or just sad. She celebrates with me when things go well, and cries with me when things don't. She called me today to tell me that she was expecting again in January. I'm truly happy for her, and although I still think about the boys...I'm more bummed out that I can't be pregnant with her right now! I know that the time will come, and we will be...but that's October!! It seems like so far away. It seems like in the next 3 months....yes, only 3 months....things will completely change and something will happen and we'll be pushed back another 3 months or something. I feel like in only 3 months things could blow up in my face again and we'll be back where we started. So I would rather start now and avoid the possibilities of everything falling apart.

It also doesn't help that my period has been so screwed up. It seems like almost monthly, even though I'm on birth control, my period is off by a few days. I get my hopes up, even though I know it's virtually impossible, and I'm let down when it comes. It's a horrible game that I play wiht myself. It's just neverending.