And the saga continues...

I feel like we're on an episode of Jerry Springer or Montel as the situation just keeps escilating and I don't know how to get out of the middle.

Heather and the baby were kicked out of her mother's house. She is currently living with her girlfriend, her husband, and her newborn baby. But that's only temporary.

She's decided that she needs to give the baby up for adoption. And she came over for dinner last night and told us that she is going to ask her father if he would like him first, and if he can't take care of him then she would like us to have him. Her mother, Nathaniels grandmother, is unfit to take care of him. She is good to him, however she abandoned Heather and her brother when they were toddlers. Who's to say that she won't do it again?

I told her that we would need to go through the courts and make sure everything is legal. I couldn't bare for anyone to take him away from us. And it would have to be ok with everyone involved, even my family.

Nathaniel is such a dream to have around. He laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard in his life. He curls up on your chest to go to sleep, and he sucks his thumb because he's a bit insecure and he's teething. He drools more than any baby I've ever met, and can successfully ruin a nice outfit in a matter of seconds. I can't wait to have a baby in my life that when I close my eyes at night that is all I see.

When I called my mom to tell her, she was angry. Angry that I would have given my life to save my boys and Heather is just throwing up her arms because it's to much for her. She's worried that Derick and I are setting ourselves up for the biggest hurt of our lives. All of which we have considered.

Sometimes when I look into Nathaniels eyes I think he's Riley for just a split second. In my head, I know that he's not Riley. But my heart feels otherwise. Perhaps that is why I'm so torn in my decision. He will never be Riley, but it's very hard for me to understand at times. Even my mother in law said that at times she has trouble understanding that he's not her grandson. Sometimes she has to think twice that he's her nephew. He was born just 3 days after Riley's due date.

So to make a long story short, I cried myself to sleep last night. Heather's mother said that if she gave him to us that she would never speak to us again and that we didn't deserve him. Or something to that effect. It killed me because after all we've been through....we still don't deserve to have a child? Or he's just better than us? Maybe that's it. Maybe we aren't good enough to raise her grandchild. But regardless, she would fight it. And to be perfectly honest, I don't have the strength to fight it. I don't have the will to go to court and battle for my right to be a mother. I know I'm better than that. I know that I did everything I could for my sons. And I know that I would have given my life if it would have spared theirs. That I know in my heart, and I don't need to prove it to anyone. Especially not a woman who abandoned her's.

Now I don't know how to tell her that as much as we want to be a part of his life, he's better off with his grandfather. Unless, of course it comes down to him not having a home. But I would be much happier if I could spend a weekened a month with him, taking him shopping and to amusement parks, the movies, and to teach him how to play miniature golf. I would be much happier being his aunt and showing him the best part of the world, while his grandfather teaches him right from wrong and that every action has a consequence. I want him to be a huge part of my children's lives because deserves that. He deserves to have a family that loves him unconditionally. And that, to me, is the biggest job of an aunt and uncle. To love their nephew regardless of how messy his room is, how angry he gets at his parents, and how bad his grades are. That's what I want. That is the relationship that I want with Nathaniel.

Another is lost

Derick's cousin Heather had stopped talking to us. We couldn't figure out why. Until yesterday.

Apparently she didn't talk to us because she thought we wanted to take Nathaniel away from her. What? What in God's name would lead her to believe that we wanted to take him away from her? It made me feel like an awful baby-stealing freak!

So I tried to call her. No answer. We've been trying on and off to get ahold of her for weeks now about his baptism. She asked us after he was born to be his Godparents. We were so excited and it meant so much to us that we cried with joy.

Derick went over today and cornered her to talk to him. She claims that she's been busy. He asked her what we needed to do for the baptism and she told him that we were no longer Nathaniels Godparents. She's asked her friends instead.

We feel like we've lost another baby. Not that he was ours to begin with, or that he is even physically lost....but that he's gone out of our lives for good. Derick asked me to take the toys that we got him for Christmas. And he also asked that all of things that we gave her when he was born be returned. Clothes, a basinette, a boppy, toys...bottles...baby moniters...he wants them back. Nathaniel is no longer a part of our lives because his mother is to insecure with herself to even allow us to have contact with him.

What is wrong with us? Why are we not good enough? Did we do something terribly wrong or do we just not deserve to be a part of a child's life.

Poor Derick called me at work, in tears. He had such dreams for Nathaniel....fishing trips, football games, and buying him the loudest drum set that he can find.

Instead, here we are picking up the pieces of our hearts again.

Compelled to write

Today is a perfect day for writing. It's snowing outside, and just beautiful. I miss my boys terribly on days like today. I wonder if they would be catching snowflakes on their tongues.

Yesterday my Mom told me something rather suprising. Suprising, I guess, becuase I didn't think anyone else REALLY thought about us. My grandfather said something to her about Thanksgiving. He said, "How can I be happy and joyful for Alexa and the baby when I see so much pain in Becky and Derick's eyes?" He said that he's happy my cousin and her baby are coming in for Thanksgiving, but he knows that it's going to be difficult for the rest of us. It kills me that he has to know that babies die. He's such a loving, kind, generous man. And he adores all babies. But it just kills me that he lost his innocence as well.

Derick got a tattoo for the boys. When I find my camera, I'll take a picture of it! Lol! It's a cross, with blue tribal stuff in the background. At the bottom it says, "In memory of Dylan and Riley." He came home and showed it to me. Before thinking about what I was saying, I blurted out "Oh that's nice. There's even room at the bottom for the next baby." Yikes! It prompted a long talk with Derick and him trying, unsuccessfully, to get me to understand that we aren't going to loose any more babies.

Well...whatever....

How do you change a person's view on the way of life that they have become accustomed to?

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On another note, I've gotten most of my things hung up here. I attempted to do it myself last night, but after one broken drill bit and almost falling off of the step stool Derick decided he would help!

I can't believe we're home!

Last night as we were laying in bed Derick said, "We could put the bassenette here and the crib could go in the living room on the other side of the couch." I'm like, what? Are you serious? Haha, it made me feel good again to make plans about the future.