Another Consult

I had an appointment yesterday with a new OB-GYN. It's a practice that was referred to me by my Peri and they have 4 doctors in the group. I met with the only female doctor there and she was maybe 30 years old. She was so great. I explained our history, every painstaking detail. And she said that she know's Dr. Davis's (who will place the TAC) work very well. So she said that he's deffinately the best person to do the procedure. She also said that she will send me off to him when I'm around 10 weeks pregnant the next time around.

I've been concerned because my period has been so weird lately. It's always between 1-2 weeks later than normal. So when I told her, she said that the first thing they look at when a woman's period is irregular is the possibility of depression. The second thing is stress. But it works hand in hand....depression because of not having a baby, stress because of not having a baby, stress trying to get pregnant, and still being depressed about no baby. She said that since I'm getting a period she is sure that I'm ovulating. But I'm still going to monitor it because I'm obsessive about it. But she assured me that after we've been trying for 3 months and it doesn't happen, she wants to look into things further and find out why it isn't happening. I'm not sure what that means, but we have a follow-up appointment at the end of March.

And as far as delivery goes, I will see all 4 doctors through my pregnancy. At the end, I'll choose the one that I feel most comfortable with to perform the c-section. If there are any problems throughout I'll get whichever doctor is on call.

So we'll see...I guess we'll start trying as soon as my period is over for this cycle. I'm going to go out and get some OPK's to start monitoring things. So we'll see....

Wish us luck!

Happy Birthday Riley

Sweet Riley, where do I begin?

You brought so much into my life when all I could see was an endless darkness. You gave me hope and joy, and you made me smile when I thought all smiles were gone forever. In so many ways, you saved me from the despair that I became.

I love you so very much, and I hope that you know that Daddy and I made the best choice that we could. This day, last year, was the most difficult day of our lives. We had to make the choice of a lifetime, and I pray everyday that we made the right choice. But I think that it's a choice that will haunt me for the rest of our lives on this earth. Perhaps I won't know until we meet again.

My Riley, your name means courage and strength. And ironically, that is what you have brought to Daddy and I. The courage to more forward and the strength to get up each morning. We miss you every day of our lives, and I wish more than anything that THIS Christmas would have been our Christmas. But it wasn't, and I'm not sure that next year will be any different. But I do know that we are together, just in a different way than most family's.

I love you my little one, never forget that. Happy Birthday in Heaven today! Share your cake with your brother, and let Mimi fuss over you. That's what she does. She loves you too, you know.

Happy Birthday sweet boy!
Love always,
Mommy

Merry Fucking Christmas

If this Christmas couldn't be any worse, I woke up this morning with a stye. You know those things...painful, swollen, and red. My eye hurts so bad, and I keep putting hot compresses on it and begging it to go down before I return to work on Wednesday. The worst part is, I think, that I haven't had a stye since like 8th grade or something. It's miserable.

I don't want to go to sleep tonight. If I go to sleep then Christmas has to come. And if Christmas comes I have to face the reality that once again I'm spending it at the cemetary instead of with my boys. I think I'm doing ok, then I realize that I have to go visit Dylan and Riley at the cemetary and it blows everything to shit.

I went today to get some balloons. One Christmas and one "Happy Birthday" because for Riley, it's both a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday. And I've been so bad...not going to the cemetary like I hope. I feel guilty, but now we live much farther away and it's just really hard. But I still feel guilty...like those are just excuses that I make to rationalize things. But anyway, the lady at the store where I got the balloons asked what type I wanted. I told her they were for children and she asked what cartoons they liked or which character was their favorite. She didn't know, obviously. And how many people really buy balloons for dead children? But it made me feel bad because I don't even know what they would like. I had no idea how to answer her. So I decided on Mickey Mouse. I like Mickey, and I know Dylan did because he and I spent so much time there early on. So I figured that Riley would too. Dylan and I had our perfect Disney memories. And I wish that I was able to take Riley too. I would do anything to take Riley.

And if things couldn't get worse, my cousin lost her second child to IC a few days ago. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers because she is in my thoughts every moment of every day. My heart breaks for her and her husband and her sweet daughter. I wish that there was something more that I could do for her except saying simply, "I know, I'm sorry that it happened to you. It sucks." The last thing that I wanted in this life was for her to become a member of this club that I'm in. It's the last thing that I want for anyone.

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On a happier note, my parents gave us our Christmas presents tonight. WE GOT A Wii!!!! I'm so excited, I had wanted one so badly and Mom happened to be at Target at the right time. She grabbed it up as they were handing one to another lady. She said that she was afraid to walk in the parking lot with it...but she stuffed it in the trunk, wrapped it in paper and then placed it in another box just in case (I know, extreme, but this is coming from the woman who won't listen to a cd that's burned because she thinks there is a tracking device in it). Derick and I just got done playing, and now he's sleeping. I took the Wii fitness training and it gives you a Wii age based on strength, agility, and stamina. My estimated age was 65! Haha! Derick wasn't much better....his was 64!

Mom says that everyone needs to have fun in life. She even had friends of friends calling her to plead their case about why they needed the Wii and would buy it from her. But she said, "Sorry...my daughter and son-in-law need this much more." Lol, gotta love Mom's! I was completely shocked because she had gotten Guitar Hero for Derick and took it back after she got the Wii.



Things are different this year, that's for sure. But Derick got a job, and he starts on Wednesday. That means we are back to trying again! So things have to start looking up. We've been at the rock bottom...so we have to continue going up. It's just not an option to go back down.