Merry Fucking Christmas

If this Christmas couldn't be any worse, I woke up this morning with a stye. You know those things...painful, swollen, and red. My eye hurts so bad, and I keep putting hot compresses on it and begging it to go down before I return to work on Wednesday. The worst part is, I think, that I haven't had a stye since like 8th grade or something. It's miserable.

I don't want to go to sleep tonight. If I go to sleep then Christmas has to come. And if Christmas comes I have to face the reality that once again I'm spending it at the cemetary instead of with my boys. I think I'm doing ok, then I realize that I have to go visit Dylan and Riley at the cemetary and it blows everything to shit.

I went today to get some balloons. One Christmas and one "Happy Birthday" because for Riley, it's both a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday. And I've been so bad...not going to the cemetary like I hope. I feel guilty, but now we live much farther away and it's just really hard. But I still feel guilty...like those are just excuses that I make to rationalize things. But anyway, the lady at the store where I got the balloons asked what type I wanted. I told her they were for children and she asked what cartoons they liked or which character was their favorite. She didn't know, obviously. And how many people really buy balloons for dead children? But it made me feel bad because I don't even know what they would like. I had no idea how to answer her. So I decided on Mickey Mouse. I like Mickey, and I know Dylan did because he and I spent so much time there early on. So I figured that Riley would too. Dylan and I had our perfect Disney memories. And I wish that I was able to take Riley too. I would do anything to take Riley.

And if things couldn't get worse, my cousin lost her second child to IC a few days ago. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers because she is in my thoughts every moment of every day. My heart breaks for her and her husband and her sweet daughter. I wish that there was something more that I could do for her except saying simply, "I know, I'm sorry that it happened to you. It sucks." The last thing that I wanted in this life was for her to become a member of this club that I'm in. It's the last thing that I want for anyone.

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On a happier note, my parents gave us our Christmas presents tonight. WE GOT A Wii!!!! I'm so excited, I had wanted one so badly and Mom happened to be at Target at the right time. She grabbed it up as they were handing one to another lady. She said that she was afraid to walk in the parking lot with it...but she stuffed it in the trunk, wrapped it in paper and then placed it in another box just in case (I know, extreme, but this is coming from the woman who won't listen to a cd that's burned because she thinks there is a tracking device in it). Derick and I just got done playing, and now he's sleeping. I took the Wii fitness training and it gives you a Wii age based on strength, agility, and stamina. My estimated age was 65! Haha! Derick wasn't much better....his was 64!

Mom says that everyone needs to have fun in life. She even had friends of friends calling her to plead their case about why they needed the Wii and would buy it from her. But she said, "Sorry...my daughter and son-in-law need this much more." Lol, gotta love Mom's! I was completely shocked because she had gotten Guitar Hero for Derick and took it back after she got the Wii.



Things are different this year, that's for sure. But Derick got a job, and he starts on Wednesday. That means we are back to trying again! So things have to start looking up. We've been at the rock bottom...so we have to continue going up. It's just not an option to go back down.