Each day we have moments in our lives that profoundly change who we are and what we believe. These moments, although not tangible to others all the time, make up who we are, who we love, what we think, and how we live our lives.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Day.
There are moments with my pregnany with Dylan that are special to me. They encompass his life. They are who they are. The day I found out I was pregnant, for instance. That profoundly changed my life. He loved to eat baked potatoes. In fact, once Derick caught me up at 3am making a plate full of baked potatoes loaded with sour cream and butter. The moment that we heard his heartbeat for the first time. We were speechless. The moment that we learned he was gone...forever in our hearts. And the moment that we laid him to rest among the trees and the birds. There have been so many moments since then. When I was pregnant with Riley I was obsessed with everything pumpkin flavored. It was the fall, afterall. He loved Toaster Strudel. I ate boxes of them a week. His heartbeat was music to our ears. We walked together, Riley and I. Before the cerclage was placed. We talked about his life...the dreams I had for him. I remember the moment that we had to make the decision, the final ultrasound confirming what we had already known. Holding him in my arms, and laying him at rest with his brother. The memorial service and the people that we invited and those that we didn't invite.
Those are the moments that made up their lives and that shaped mine.
Tell me about your moments.
October 15th is a day filled with pride for me. Pride for the babies gone to soon, and pride for their parents to carry on. I've remembered each and every one of your babies today, and so many more.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Moments
Posted by Becky at 1:35 AM
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7 comments:
I found out I was pregnant with Braedan while DH was giving Phoenix a bath and I was sooo shocked. We went to Ocean City when I was 6 months along. We only had 15 minutes to swim in the ocean, and it felt so good holding on to DH with my belly floating between us. Then the drive to the hospital, finding out he died, and the journey that followed afterwards. The moment I remember the most though is when we spread his ashes. There is a song that reminds me of that day and of his essence, called "Percheron Stallion" by Thomas Newman. I miss him so much.
I found out I was pregnant with Susannah the day i was leaving for a weekend away at a Doula training conference. Susannah and I spent the weekend in a fancy hotel and we got a massage and a facial, late Christmas presents. Just one week later I bought her a Christmas dress (since she was dues in November) because I KNEW she was a girl. I first saw her and her heartbeat when she was just 6 weeks old. Then just a month later the bleeding started. After that it was just hospital visit after hospital visit, u/s after u/s until that last u/s where she waved goodbye. That picture of her little left hand waving at me is forever burning in my memory. And then of course, delivering her. Sititng there for 40 minutes, drugged so severly I was nearly unconcscious, wiating to find out if I had just birthed my little girl. Dressing her in the Christmas dress at the funeral home. Accepting that tiny little urn the day of her funeral. Watching the dirt be piled on her little bos holding her urn and a pink rose and her daddy's rosary. I'll never be the same. I'll never stop aching.
i remember that we had debated for so long whether or not to have another baby. we had already had three girls by then. olivia, our youngest, was already 4 years old. we prayed and prayed about it, and finally got pregnant with willie. i remember that the weekend before we found out that he was gone was our oldest daughter, brianna's, 13th birthday. of course, since she was becoming a teenager, it had to be an event! she brought a few friends and we spent the weekend at a fancy hotel. willie was moving around so much! the two younger girls said that he was doing gymnastics in my belly and that it looked like the ocean when he moved. only two days later, he was gone. in my belly for 30 weeks and 5 days, but forever in my heart. i also remember my mom sitting in the delivery room, taking in the outfit that willie would be buried in because even the preemie size was too big. our middle daughter, lexie, sat in the tub about a month later telling me that she really wanted me to have another baby, but could i please make the next one alive? all of these moments have made me who i am today. more appreciative of all that i have, and more aware of how it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. i have also become more bitter, my heart closed up just a bit. each day i remember his beautiful, perfect little face that will forever be etched in memory.
oh, i forgot to tell you that this is nicole (niccalvin14), the proud mommy of willie, who will always be my first son. i still can't remember my password to post a comment with my name attached.
I have so many special memories of William but the one that comes to mind to share happened the last night I slept in our bed before he was born/died. I woke up in the middle of the night to Mr. C holding my belly and talking to him. We had been asleep in the spoons position, with his hand on my belly and the feeling of William kicking him woke him up. This was the first time that he had felt him kick. I had been feeling his kicks for a few weeks, but this was the first time that his daddy got such a treat. There we were, with both of the cats, all cozy in bed together--our sweet little family. I cherish that we had that time together.
Beautiful moments. I loved pumpkin stuff too while pregnant with Hannah. I even made pumpkin pies, which I never ate in my life before!
You know the moment that sticks out in mind? I was laying in a hospital bed on December 27, 2006. 2 nurses tried to find Sophie's heartbeat. No big deal they said-- we'll just get a doctor in here with an u/s machine-- she's probably just hiding. 2 nurses, 3 doctors, and a midwife later-- I was told my baby was dead. But the moment that stands out forever in my mind-- the last doctor who came in--- he was the same doctor I saw in Labor & Delivery 4 weeks earlier-- if he could have swallowed his Adam's apple looking at my dead baby, he would have. I knew she was dead at that very moment.
That's the moment and the memory that I can just never forget.
Not a happy one, huh?
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