It's Christmastime

It's that time of year again. I'm dreading it. I can't even begin to imagine having a Happy Holiday knowing that my baby is celebrating his first Christmas so far away. I'm so down about things lately. And I should be happy, right? But I'm just not. I can't get into Christmas, I don't even want a Christmas tree. Derick and I decided that every year, with our family, we will pick out an ornament appropriate for his age. Like, next year...a Winnie the Pooh, his 2nd year an airplane, 10 years a football, 17 years a car...and so on. I think it would be great to make it a family tradition. We got him this year a pair of angel wings and a snowbaby on a star with his name.

And tomorrow is my Birthday. I had imagined spending my birthday with MY family. Derick and Dylan. A sweet baby hug and a drooley kiss...a card signed by Derick for Dylan...an "I *heart* Mommy" pendant...all these things were taken from me the day my baby left for heaven.

I saw a Psychic last week at a party hosted by Mom's friend from work. She said, "I see him in heaven, holding a spot for you. He know's how deeply he is loved...and that keeps him warm and happy." I just had a hard time believing her. Like that's just what you say when someone has lost their baby. I know he's there...I just have a NEED to know that he's ok. I worry about him daily. Does he miss us? Does he know how much we miss him? Does he know how much we love him? Is he having fun? Did he make friends? Is our family there to comfort him when he cries? I guess the mothers instinct never truly goes away.

We got a cute little sign that says, "Santa Please Stop Here!" for his grave. Hopefully we can go tomorrow and get a few other things and put them there for him tomorrow. I'm so afraid to leave things there, but I don't want him to feel un-loved. So it's like a catch-22. I don't want the pain of having someone steal them again, but I also don't want other parents to think that we don't care. Because we do! So much...it's just been a year of uncertainty I guess.