I don't know where to begin

I've started this over and over again...not really sure where to start. So I will start at the begining.....

Christmas Day was wonderful. We spent the morning opening gifts, laughing, and dreaming of the baby and the year to come. We went to Derick's family's for Christmas dinner. We talked, laughed, and ate well. We came home to see Deal or No Deal, since it's Derick's favorite show.

That's when our lives crashed again.

My water broke. I was 16 weeks exactly. I was inconsolible. I was screaming and screaming while Derick ran upstairs to wake Mom and Dad and get dressed. He called the doctor, and we rushed to St. Lukes.

They did an ultrasound, and the baby was good. His heartbeat was 150, and he was strong. But there was virtually no fluid left. He suggested that we wait until the next day and speak to the Perinatologist because there was a chance that the fluid could increase itself. So I waited, on complete bedrest. It was the worst night of my life. I felt as though I was waiting for my baby to die. But he was so strong. He made it through the night, and when I saw the Peri he said the same thing. There was virtually no fluid left. The baby was going to die. We either could induce labor or wait, but if we waited longer there was a high chance that I would get an infection and possibly never be able to get pregnant again. But his heartbeat was still 175! How could our baby die with such a strong heartbeat?

We decided to induce labor. Derick said that it wasn't fair to me, and he told the doctor. They induced my labor at 5:25pm, and just as I told them it would only be 3 hours, Riley James was born at 8:42pm. He was alive until he couldn't breathe anymore...his mouth was open like he tried. He was such a fighter. Riley is Irish for "brave and couragous" and I've never met a little boy more brave. He weighed 3oz and was only 4 3/4 inches long. Just a little peanut, but he looked exactly like his Momma. Big feet and all!

Yesterday we picked up his ashes. Just a tiny litle urn. And he's going to be burried with his brother. I'm so shocked and numb and emotionless. I feel like I should be crying nonstop, but the tears won't come. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm lost. I loved them both so very much, I wanted them in my life so badly....