Need to update...

I guess it's really been a while since I've written anything here. Not that I haven't thought of it, but I just have been in a funk.

It's April. I've got two babies, but none of them are with me. It's April, and in the next two months I have four very signifigant milestones to get through. The first being Dylan's 1st birthday. I feel my chest get tight everytime I think of it. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and my throat start to close. How am I going to make it through the day? The second, of course, being Mother's Day. Derick is trying his hardest to make things bearable for me. He ordered me the mother's ring that I had been eyeing. It's really nice, and we are both happy. After mother's day comes Riley's due date. June 11th. Here comes the throat tightening again. And the fourth, and final 'milestone' being Father's day. I have no idea what to get or do for Derick.

The song, Wake Me Up When September Ends reminds me of how I feel. Wake me up when June ends.

Easter wasn't so great. I cooked and stayed home. It was the first holiday without either of my babies, and I spent all last week grieving for the lost Easter Egg Hunts. It was bad. The pain of not having them with me is so strong right now. And to top it off, I have this horrible, nagging feeling that there is something that is missing in my life...and they are trying to show me or tell me what it is. I feel them with me more often than not these days. Maybe they are just comforting me, but sometimes I am hardly awake in the morning and I hear the words, "Derick! Do you feel them?" come out of my mouth. Nothing like feeling like you've gone over the deep end on top of everything else. But I just couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't go to Aunt A's and listen to them go on and on about Lex. I just couldn't do it. So instead of making things uncomfortable for them, I removed myself from the situation. Thus alienating myself even more. The very thing that I've been trying to avoid.

But I did go to Aunt A's tonight. She has been so very compassionate to me. She's always there to listen and to chat with. She went on to say that Lex's doctors are a little concerned about her cervix. They have discussed the options of cervical intervention, but she's not sure yet. She's about 17 or 18 weeks pregnant. A lot could change quickly at this point. I know...I live it. She also mentioned that she's going to name him Alexander Burke. Alexander is my grandfather's name. Derick and I had talked about naming Riley that. Well Alexander at least. I really wanted to, but we wanted a name that would be just his since we knew what the outcome would be. I'm dying inside. God I'm dying. Alexander was my name. My baby was supposed to be named after him. They act like her son is the first great-grandchild. He's not. There are two others, don't they remember? Don't they remember the source of my broken heart? How could they forget? How could she name him Alexander? Doesn't she know how much that hurts me?

It's not her fault, I know that. But God I'm dying. I think a piece of me dies a little each day. Someday I'm just going to be a shell. The shell of a person that they used to know...that used to have life and a smile. This is going to kill me. Maybe not physically, but emotionally I think I'm going to die.

This fear that I have is so powerful. It's debilitating and paralyzing. It pushes me down, and even when I fight to stand up again...I'm just not that strong.