So here we are....

What a horrible weekend. My brother and SIL came over on Saturday morning. She was in a mood, but he was happy to help Mom with some things around the house. I got held up getting some errands done, so I ended up going with mom to drop my cousin off at school for a function. His mother is the one with cancer.

Anyhow, we picked him back up from school but stopped off at home to let Lilo out. The mail had arrived. Sitting on the front steps were free samples. From the sidewalk all I could make out was the free razor. Under the free razor was the tiny Huggies sample that they send to all mother's nearing birth. There were coupons galore, lotions, and wipes. Begin panick attack.

I grabbed the mail, walked into the kitchen, and sorted through it. There was an envelope, with my name, from my SIL. I opened it, somewhat happily, until I saw what it was. A baby shower invitation. For HER sister. To begin with, I didn't think I would be invited. And you would have thought, since I told her that I can't do baby showers, that she would have understood and at the very least said something to me that morning. And if not me, she could have warned Derick. I was devestated. I through it in my mom's lap and yelled, "How could she do this to me?" Then I proceeded up the steps, into my room, and the full blown panick started.

I called Derick and he was on his way home from work. Mom intercepted at the front steps and explained that it was a bad day. He came in, asked me to take my pill, and then he listened to me talk. I was doing ok. Really, I was.

Until the third part of my panick began.

Brother and SIL came over again later that night so that Derick could help him with a few things. My mom and I had gone to a few yardsales in between dropping off Dan and picking him up. We came across a brand new infant tub for $2, baby t-shirts, and a fisher price toy for $2. It didn't occur to me that they wouldn't be bought for my baby...someday. Until SIL showed up and mom passed them on to her to give to her sister. I wanted to scream, "Those are for MY BABY!!!" But I couldn't because I don't have a baby.

Mom went upstairs and came back down with a bunch of brand new baby clothes. They were Riley's. My son's. THEY BELONG TO HIM! SIL went on and on about how cute they were and how cute they would look on him. One in particular that I had gotten for Riley was a halloween one with candy corn and it said, 'I love my Mummy.' After he was born I would go into the closet and touch it. I felt close to him. The close belong to him. But Mom gave them away.

Luckily, I guess, SIL forgot them at the house and I offered to buy her new ones to replace Riley's. I explained to Mom that I needed them. She thought that it was to difficult for them to be around for me, so it's not like she did that on purpose. But I needed them. I needed to know that they were his clothes. His belongings. That he really did exist....the only physical proof that I had. Mom said that she would buy me new ones. I told her I didn't want new ones. If I couldn't have those, I didn't want any.

This morning all the clothes were on the table but the Halloween one. That's the one I desperately wanted. The rest weren't special....but that one...I close my eyes and see his tiny feet kicking in them.

What a crappy weekend.