Cruel Irony

Perhaps the most cruelest irony in life is the ability to take care of a child, but without actually having a child.

I say this because upon looking at a baby shower registry today, I came across the oddest things for a newborn baby shower. Granted this is her first child...but I was unaware that newborns needed silverware. Yes, you read correctly. A fork and a knife.

I was under the impression, maybe it's misguided, but I was under the impression that children...babies...can't even grasp their hands around things like silverware until they are toddlers or even later. This coming from the same girl who intended on buying shorts for her baby due in August. Shorts. NEWBORNS DON'T WEAR SHORTS!

Sorry...the yelling is done...

But the point is that I am sitting here dreaming of a child someday. A child that might not even be mine, but that I will love with all of my heart. And she is there dressing her child in shorts and teaching him to use silverware.

In other news...

Dr. Davis called me last night. I have an appointment with him in September for a consult on the abdominal cerclage. It's pretty exciting! He did say that since we know that my cervix is incompetent, he wants to know what's making it incompetent. The best that my regular OB could tell from doing the vaginal cerclage is that my bladder is misproportioned (much like the rest of me!). But maybe there is something to be done otherwise. I was very impressed, as was Derick. And I can't wait until September. We have to go to Philadelphia...or Camden, NJ actually. But it will be so worth it. He said that he will do multiple ultrasounds and tests while I am there to see exactly how incompetent my cervix is and get measurements while I'm not pregnant.

Derick and I also came to an agreement about trying again. Shortly after his teenage cousin showed up from college 8 months pregnant, we discussed when we would try again. We both agreed that as long as we had things worked out with the doct0r (accomplished) and that we are in our own aparemtent (almost there) we can try again in October! I'm so excited! I feel pretty confident, although still slightly hopeless. I've come to realize though that those feelings of hopelessness might not ever go away.

We also had discussed my ill feelings towards baby showers. I decided that I would rather have a welcome baby shower. Derick agreed. He thinks it would be to much for everyone involved to have a regular baby shower. Although I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel cheated. Blah. I hate these feelings.

When I think about myself at this time last year, it's scary how far I've come. This time last year I couldn't function like a normal person. I cried and screamed and sobbed all night long. I clutched onto Derick in fear that I would loose him too. And now...now I'm different. Not a bad different, I guess. But so different. In fact, I just read in someone else's blog about the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. The line that goes something like "If I'd have known all the pain, the way it all would go...would I have missed the Dance?" And I do think a lot about if I had known the pain, would I have even gotten pregnant? Would I have rather loved and lost than not loved at all? Would I rather struggle with infertility then not be able to carry a child? A very good friend of mine is struggling with this currently...and when I talk to her I always wonder...would I rather struggle with what she is dealing with or struggle with this? My answer is that I would probably rather have infertility problems. But I bet if I asked her, she would rather have a baby for a short time. It's interesting. I guess that's where all of these cruel ironies come in to play. Both come with their own sense of pain and grief, and esentially there are ways (albeit expensive ways) to have a child...and all could probably be 'cured' through surrogacy and adoption...I think that had I known the way things would turn out, I would honestly not have had Dylan in the first place. Although I still would have went to see Dr. Davis and gotten the abdominal cerclage in the begining! But my boys are my world. I live and breathe for them because they wouldn't want it any other way. And someday, when I look into the eyes of my newborn baby, I'm going to wonder what I would have done without those sweet baby eyes staring back at me.