Decisions shouldn't be this hard

God willing, I will ovulate this weekend. Or at least that's how my cycle used to be.

But I'm stuck. I don't know why. These decisions shouldn't be this hard. I want more than anything to be pregnant again. But I'm so afraid that the fear is clouding my decisions. Why am I so afraid? I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again my families opinions will be flown at me quicker than I can react. I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again, I'll have an early miscarriage. And if I do make it, what about the surgery? I'm terrified of the surgery! Not so much of what's involved....more so of the pain. Which is rediculous. I would absolutely take physical pain every day for the rest of my life to avoid the pain of loosing another child. I just don't do well in hospitals. I'm scared to be there by myself. I just don't like them. I feel like everytime I go into one, someone dies. And it's a feeling that I just can't get rid of.


I went to the doctor today because I've been feeling like shit. I thought I had the flu, or something like it. Turns out that it's just a God awful sinus infection. I had to get antibiodics. And right on the label it says not to take if I'm pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant. Great. I should have mentioned that to the Doc. But I wasn't thinking, I guess. Do you think I'm safe to take it? The chances of it happening on the first try are slim. I'm deffinately not expecting it. Although for whatever reason, I have a history of getting pregnant while being very sick. With Dylan I had Pneumonia.

Well anyway...on the upside of things I bought the Knifty Knitter. I saw someone at the airport with it last weekend and I knew that I needed to get it. It's fantastic!! I already knitted a scarf and it only took me about 3 hours. So I bought some new baby yarn. I had some stuff left over from Riley's blanket, but I explained to Derick that was for him. Dylan's is burried with him, he was rapped in it. But I haven't been able to pick up Riley's blanket since last winter. I just can't do it. So I'm determined to finish this whole blanket....and USE IT for our baby. It's going to be great! I'll post pictures when I'm done : )

I think I've made up my mind

Last night my mom, her twin sister, and I went out to eat. I was so down. I've had such a dissapointing week that when things like this happen, I become very, very low. I've been taking my Zoloft almost every day for a week now because I'm so stressed out and anxious. I feel the anxiety building and it's unnerving.

So anyway, we dropped off my aunt and stopped over at my Grandfather's house. My Pop has always been a signifigant person in my life. He's just an amazing man. Always able to look for the positive in a really bad situation. He's not very good with words, but what he says and how he relates things make sense in a really weird way....he loves to joke with us, give us advice, and he was there for me when we lost both of the boys. He sobbed with us, prayed with us, and even led the Our Father at both of their funerals.

He mentioned while we were there that he got a card from my cousin, Lex. She gave birth to her little girl on August 19th and named her Olivia. But at Lex's baby shower, she made a BIG point to go on and on about how Olivia was the first great-grandchild and I literally wanted to puke. I was so disgusted and hurt that she forgot. In the card from Lex, he said that she thanked him and went on to say that she wishes that our grandmother were here to hold her and see her. Then he said that my aunt is going to parade the baby all around at Thanksgiving when they come home and that she wants a 4 generation picture. My aunt is very understanding, and she's really great...but she doesn't truly get it. And it's not that she hasn't tried, but it's impossible to understand unless you've been there.

When we got home, it hit me. I need to try for a baby now. I'm nervous about it, and scared about it...but I'm also excited about it. I need this. I'm afraid that Pop won't be around to see my child if I wait. And I know that sounds rediculous, but I really want him to see our child living and breathing and laughing instead of so much sadness surrounding me. I know that other's have their opinions. And I know that we still have a lot of work to do on our lives. But we won't ever be ready. We will never be completely out of debt, we won't ever be completely secure in our jobs or in our lives....but the only true happiness that we have is another child. And that's what we need right now more than ever. The living situation and the debt situations will work themselves out. They always do. We've handled the worst thing that could happen to parents, twice. We can most certainly handle this.

The Consult

I appologize to all who care about my lack of information on my appointment! I've been so busy with work and such that I didn't even have time to update over the weekend!!

The appointment went amazingly well...

I was so nervous that I made myself physically ill in the hours leading up to it. When we got there, he greeted us warmly and made us feel like he understood why we were there. He explained the procedure and said that given the information that we knew with Dylan he would have proceeded with Riley's pregnancy the same as my regular OB did. That was comforting. He also said that he has a very high success rate, even with a history of PROM. He said that he did a study on women with a history of PROM, 3 of 4 carried to term with the TAC with no problems. One PROM'd at 18w but since the TAC was so tight it didn't allow the water to leak so she carried until 32 weeks and that child is now just over a year old. Along the same lines of the TAC being so tight, it does not allow infection to set in. Not that it couldn't, but in the 20 years he has been performing this operation he has not seen any problems.

Then he did the ultrasound. It showed that pre-pregnancy my cervix measures just around 2cm. The 'average' cervix is usually between 5-6cm and they consider 3 to be short. Granted, there are many women that have no cervix at all...so I'm a bit better off than them. However, he was able to put his finger through my cervix almost into my utuerus. That was worrisome...either it didn't close completely after delivery or it was never closed to begin with. We probably won't ever know. Probably has never closed after delivery. He said that knowing that he would prefer to place the stitch around 10w instead of the regular 12-13w. Not just because it's short, but leaving it open could let in a major infection...not just for a growing fetus but for me as well.

He is very, very confident that I will be able to carry not just one, but as many pregnancies as I want with the TAC in place!!

Derick and I over the moon ecstatic!! Now it's onto deciding when a good time to start trying is. Of course everyone in our lives has their own opinions and they aren't shy about voicing them. Particularly my family. So when we straighten out OUR lives we are going to move forward. We hope to be straight by November or December : )