Decisions shouldn't be this hard

God willing, I will ovulate this weekend. Or at least that's how my cycle used to be.

But I'm stuck. I don't know why. These decisions shouldn't be this hard. I want more than anything to be pregnant again. But I'm so afraid that the fear is clouding my decisions. Why am I so afraid? I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again my families opinions will be flown at me quicker than I can react. I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again, I'll have an early miscarriage. And if I do make it, what about the surgery? I'm terrified of the surgery! Not so much of what's involved....more so of the pain. Which is rediculous. I would absolutely take physical pain every day for the rest of my life to avoid the pain of loosing another child. I just don't do well in hospitals. I'm scared to be there by myself. I just don't like them. I feel like everytime I go into one, someone dies. And it's a feeling that I just can't get rid of.


I went to the doctor today because I've been feeling like shit. I thought I had the flu, or something like it. Turns out that it's just a God awful sinus infection. I had to get antibiodics. And right on the label it says not to take if I'm pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant. Great. I should have mentioned that to the Doc. But I wasn't thinking, I guess. Do you think I'm safe to take it? The chances of it happening on the first try are slim. I'm deffinately not expecting it. Although for whatever reason, I have a history of getting pregnant while being very sick. With Dylan I had Pneumonia.

Well anyway...on the upside of things I bought the Knifty Knitter. I saw someone at the airport with it last weekend and I knew that I needed to get it. It's fantastic!! I already knitted a scarf and it only took me about 3 hours. So I bought some new baby yarn. I had some stuff left over from Riley's blanket, but I explained to Derick that was for him. Dylan's is burried with him, he was rapped in it. But I haven't been able to pick up Riley's blanket since last winter. I just can't do it. So I'm determined to finish this whole blanket....and USE IT for our baby. It's going to be great! I'll post pictures when I'm done : )