Thursday, September 20, 2007

I think I've made up my mind

Last night my mom, her twin sister, and I went out to eat. I was so down. I've had such a dissapointing week that when things like this happen, I become very, very low. I've been taking my Zoloft almost every day for a week now because I'm so stressed out and anxious. I feel the anxiety building and it's unnerving.

So anyway, we dropped off my aunt and stopped over at my Grandfather's house. My Pop has always been a signifigant person in my life. He's just an amazing man. Always able to look for the positive in a really bad situation. He's not very good with words, but what he says and how he relates things make sense in a really weird way....he loves to joke with us, give us advice, and he was there for me when we lost both of the boys. He sobbed with us, prayed with us, and even led the Our Father at both of their funerals.

He mentioned while we were there that he got a card from my cousin, Lex. She gave birth to her little girl on August 19th and named her Olivia. But at Lex's baby shower, she made a BIG point to go on and on about how Olivia was the first great-grandchild and I literally wanted to puke. I was so disgusted and hurt that she forgot. In the card from Lex, he said that she thanked him and went on to say that she wishes that our grandmother were here to hold her and see her. Then he said that my aunt is going to parade the baby all around at Thanksgiving when they come home and that she wants a 4 generation picture. My aunt is very understanding, and she's really great...but she doesn't truly get it. And it's not that she hasn't tried, but it's impossible to understand unless you've been there.

When we got home, it hit me. I need to try for a baby now. I'm nervous about it, and scared about it...but I'm also excited about it. I need this. I'm afraid that Pop won't be around to see my child if I wait. And I know that sounds rediculous, but I really want him to see our child living and breathing and laughing instead of so much sadness surrounding me. I know that other's have their opinions. And I know that we still have a lot of work to do on our lives. But we won't ever be ready. We will never be completely out of debt, we won't ever be completely secure in our jobs or in our lives....but the only true happiness that we have is another child. And that's what we need right now more than ever. The living situation and the debt situations will work themselves out. They always do. We've handled the worst thing that could happen to parents, twice. We can most certainly handle this.

2 comments:

Monica H said...

This entry relates to me all too well. I feel that some of my family just doesn't get it and never will. I don't know if they aren't trying hard enough or if they just don't want to deal with my loss as their owm. That's just it. It's MY loss, not theirs. As for trying again, all my husband says is he's not ready. Well, guess what you'll never be 100% ready. If he's waiting for that day, it may never come. Before we got pregnant with the boys, he used to say he wanted to be financially stable and have all his ducks in a row before he started a family. It seems we have survived two pregnancies and losees and the thousands of dollars in medical bills and we were never really "ready". I want my husbands grandmother to see her great grandchild too. She's in a nursing home and steadily declining:( I had hoped that she would be able to see and hold Sam and Jack, but it seems to her like they never even existed.

Mary said...

I think you are making a very good point. You and Derick will be just fine, your finances and all that will work itself out.