It's not going to happen

AF was 6 days late. One pregnancy test later...resulted in a very, very faint positive. Yesterday AF arrived. Heavy and strong, and not holding back. Was it indeed a BFP but it escaped before I could catch it? Or was it a result of looking at a test longer than the time window. Less than 10 mins, but still more than 3. Was it placed there just to make me wonder if we are REALLY ready? Or was it some evil trick to make me cry myself to sleep? Regardless, it was enough to do all of those things.

I am ready. I think. I want to have a child more than I want to breathe. But I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to happen again. I'm scared that I can't take care of a child. But I'm more scared, I think, of what will happen if I don't have a child. I'm judgemental. I'm mean, bitter...angry. I'm hurt and I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm fake happy. I tell myself in my head that I have to smile now. It's a happy occasion. Even when I want to twist the neck of the person that is telling me how complete their life is with children.

I just can't take it. I cried all night last night. Derick says that we aren't ready. And he doesn't know when we'll be ready. I told him that when he says that I feel like it's going to be forever. That we aren't ever going to have children. He thinks that I'm crazy. And for a small moment, I blamed him. I blamed him for me being so unhappy. But it's not his fault. It's mine. And I can't get away from it. It will be my burden to bare for the rest of my life.

Someday we'll get there. I have no doubt. But I'm tired of waiting. I want it now.

October 15, 2007

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss memorial day. Here's to you all and your sweet angels!

I got this poem today, maybe some of you did too.


A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

I'm heading home to light my candles, how about you?

Sweet boy

My Dear Riley,

Today was the day, last year, that we found out you were on your way. Daddy and I were beyond excited. You were our hope and our future. We loved you from the start. I would tell you stories about your brother watching over you. Daddy would rub my belly and I would get upset because I didn't want you to be overly tickelish like I am. When we had our first ultrasound, I cried. Grandma was with us. We were all so excited.

I miss you, my sweet. More than you could ever imagine. I needed you in my life so badly, and you were, just different than what I expected.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to provide for you the way I had wanted. I hope that you were happy and comfortable inside my belly. Because you sure were loved.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Not a second that I don't miss our talks. And believe it or not, I still imagine that I feel you kicking strong and happy. The doctor's call that phantom kicks. I don't know how long they last, but they are still going strong. And my heart skips a beat everytime I feel it.

I love you baby, more than you will ever know. Have a great day with the angels today! Be nice to your brother, and tell Mimi that I love her.

Sweet dreams,
Mommy

It's official

We've started trying.

I'm terrified, ecstatic, and nervous all at the same time! We'll see where life takes us, I guess. But I just talked to my boss, as I was nervous about telling her about the surgery. And she said that she appreciated my honesty and was glad that I told her and gave her the heads up. They will put me out on salary continuation (short-term dissability) but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Because realistically, I could already be pregnant or it could take 4 years. Who knows? So if it takes a while, it's not going to matter anyway. But I just wanted her to know where we stood. I feel happy that I talked with her.

I don't know where the next few months are going to take us. But I know that I'm onboard for the ride. There's no getting off now!