It's not going to happen

AF was 6 days late. One pregnancy test later...resulted in a very, very faint positive. Yesterday AF arrived. Heavy and strong, and not holding back. Was it indeed a BFP but it escaped before I could catch it? Or was it a result of looking at a test longer than the time window. Less than 10 mins, but still more than 3. Was it placed there just to make me wonder if we are REALLY ready? Or was it some evil trick to make me cry myself to sleep? Regardless, it was enough to do all of those things.

I am ready. I think. I want to have a child more than I want to breathe. But I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to happen again. I'm scared that I can't take care of a child. But I'm more scared, I think, of what will happen if I don't have a child. I'm judgemental. I'm mean, bitter...angry. I'm hurt and I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm fake happy. I tell myself in my head that I have to smile now. It's a happy occasion. Even when I want to twist the neck of the person that is telling me how complete their life is with children.

I just can't take it. I cried all night last night. Derick says that we aren't ready. And he doesn't know when we'll be ready. I told him that when he says that I feel like it's going to be forever. That we aren't ever going to have children. He thinks that I'm crazy. And for a small moment, I blamed him. I blamed him for me being so unhappy. But it's not his fault. It's mine. And I can't get away from it. It will be my burden to bare for the rest of my life.

Someday we'll get there. I have no doubt. But I'm tired of waiting. I want it now.