So sad lately

I have so much to say but each topic deserves it's own post. So I'll post 3 times today, hopefully.

I've been missing the boys something fierce lately. I've been having some really bad days. Snapping at Derick, no ambition to do anything, and sleepless nights. Last night I even cried myself to sleep. It was the first time in many, many months.

While I'm extremely grateful to be the most pregnant than I've ever been, I'm terrified that if we give her a name and imagine what we will do with her it will make things even harder when we loose her. What if we've come so far only to loose so much?

Dylan's 2nd birthday is in 10 days and no doubt that is the catalyst for my sleepless nights. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It seems like an eternity without my firstborn. I would have died for him...if only they had given me the option. Everyday I'm reminded of Derick's cousin's baby boy born just 3 days after Riley's due date. Would Riley be walking sooner than Nathaniel? Would he be laughing uncontrollably when you tickle his ribs? Nathaniel's first birthday is coming up soon, how am I ever going to make it through that knowing that I should be planning the same for Riley?

Why oh why am I in so much pain when I should be celebrating the life inside me? I feel ungrateful or selfish or a bad mother because I'm thinking of my boys and not my little girl. I expect at every single appointment that she is gone, and each and every appointment I'm pleasantly suprised when she's not. How long is this going to last?

The weather, no doubt, has a lot to do with it too. When it's sunny, I'm happy and upbeat. But rainy days like today and the weekend just bring me so low. Yesterday at my mother's house I feel asleep on the couch. I awoke, somewhere between sleep and awake, and my boys were by my side. How do I know this? Every single hair on my body was standing straight, and I felt two very distinct little souls with me and had a feeling of love wash over me twice...two seperate times. It seems that is when I feel them the most, the state of being awake and asleep. It's as if I'm connected to them at that split moment aware that I'm not unconscience and that they are there as if they had never left. They are my sons, committed to watching over us and their unborn sister. They are my tiny boys for whom I will always love.

Maybe this IS going to work?!

This is the week. Our first milestone.

Somedays I'm afraid to even move, and other days I feel so confident that I sail through my days. I go from being afraid to even move to doing regular household chores (modified a bit of course).

It's almost baffeling really. I know the other shoe should have dropped already, but it hasn't. And why hasn't it? Is this REALLY going to work?

We went to the Peri today. My cervix is long and closed measuring 3.5cm. I'm amazed, today. And I really think that we'll make it on to 18 weeks. Then, I guess, we'll re-evaluate things again.

The best part of the day....

IT'S A GIRL!!

We can't believe we are going to have a little girl! Derick is a bit nervous, and when I close my eyes I dream of frilly, pink...things! Everything pink. It's going to be disgusting, I know. I'm appologizing to myself and the baby as we speak.

I can't believe we've made it this far without any problems. We have her u/s pictures, and as I was looking at them I realized that the only other u/s at 16-17 weeks that I've seen of my children showed them dead or dying. That was obviously the farthest thing from this little girl's mind.

One more week. That's all we have to do and then we are going to be home free...

Ramblings about Tater

I realize that I'm leaving some of you hanging about Tater. To be honest, I was a little leary about writing a lot about this pregnancy. I'm afraid that if I blog to much about it I will not only jinx myself, but maybe some people don't want to hear about it. Especially those that are new in their grief. And I know that it's my blog, and I can say what I want...but I can't see myself writing post after post about a baby that might not come home. And while I don't want to determine the fate of Tater at this time...let's be honest, it's right around the corner.

Last week I saw the Peri for my first cervical check. He admired the placement of the stitch, and the baby looked great. Although a little sleepy, if I may say so myself. His/Her heartrate was 154 and I have to say that it's been in the steady 150's which again leads me to believe that Tater is a girl. The boys were steady in the low 140's. Anyhow, my cervix measured 3.4 and I nearly fell out of the chair. I've NEVER had a cervix that long. In fact, that's almost the length of a normal person! I was stunned. My mom cried, and Derick and I feigned excitement. I know that we should be excited about it...it's good news. But still so hard to believe.

Yesterday I saw my OB. He did another u/s to see the baby and give me some piece of mind. He won't measure my cervix because he can't give me as accurate a measurement as the Peri. And if he measures shorter for whatever reason, he doesn't want to give me any added stress. Anyhow, baby looked good still. Cervix was closed with no funneling. With Riley, I had almost completely funneled at this point. That should be better news, right? Wrong. Not for Derick and I. We are still convinced that in 2 or 3 week's we'll be headed to the hospital with our lives shattered for the third time.

Fortunately, I think...maybe...the OB doesn't want me to go back to work until 24 weeks. He said that if things continue to be stable he will release me sooner, but as of now I'm out for another 9 weeks. He doesn't want to take any chances, and I agree. But I still miss my friends at work and I'm lonely here at home.

Derick is released for regular work on Monday, but he doesn't have a job to go back to. So he's desperately trying to find something. Anything. He even spoke with his stepdad who ownes a Landscaping company and he's willing to pay Derick under the table until he finds something. At least it's work, but not nearly what he wants to do. I just called unemployment for him and the girl said that he should deffinately file for benefits so I'm going to urge him to do that when he gets home. But he's starting to feel the pressure, and there isn't anything I can do about it. I just can't believe that we went from what he was making last year to this. The job market here is so bad that most places won't pay more than $12/hour. Let me ask this, how in the HELL can you support your family on $12 or less per hour?? My job is good and stable, thankfully. I carry all of our insurance and handle all of our long term finances, but it's still not great. And to tell you the truth, as much as I love my job and the people there, when/if Tater comes I'm thinking of looking for something else. The bottom line is that people our age need to go where the money is. And if I can find something, anything, that pays more than what I'm making now...that's where I need to go. I have many good skills and I adapt well in different work environments. In fact I was even thinking of going back to school for drafting. I love Architecture (ok it's a freakish passion of mine), and I studied Architecture/Interior design in college. The thing that is holding me back, though, is that drafting/Architecture is a male dominated market. I could possibly be the only girl in the class, and from my experience before in school (and the reason I stopped going) is that the teachers don't want to teach women.

I spent my hour out of the house today at the Mall. But it wasn't like other trips. By the time I found a parking spot it was far away and by the time I got to the door I had to sit down and take a rest. By the time I got close to Motherhood Maternity, I had to sit on a bench and take a rest. I got two t-shirts there and then browsed around The Disney Store where I found nothing. On the way back to the car I passed Sadie's where they take those beautiful children's pictures. When Tater get's here, I'm going to get his/her first pictures there. I want a naked baby wrapped in a bow. In black and white, and the only thing in color is the bow.

Really, all I want out of this life is a naked baby wrapped in a bow. If all the baby does is cry, it will make everything that we've been through worth it.