Monday, April 28, 2008

So sad lately

I have so much to say but each topic deserves it's own post. So I'll post 3 times today, hopefully.

I've been missing the boys something fierce lately. I've been having some really bad days. Snapping at Derick, no ambition to do anything, and sleepless nights. Last night I even cried myself to sleep. It was the first time in many, many months.

While I'm extremely grateful to be the most pregnant than I've ever been, I'm terrified that if we give her a name and imagine what we will do with her it will make things even harder when we loose her. What if we've come so far only to loose so much?

Dylan's 2nd birthday is in 10 days and no doubt that is the catalyst for my sleepless nights. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It seems like an eternity without my firstborn. I would have died for him...if only they had given me the option. Everyday I'm reminded of Derick's cousin's baby boy born just 3 days after Riley's due date. Would Riley be walking sooner than Nathaniel? Would he be laughing uncontrollably when you tickle his ribs? Nathaniel's first birthday is coming up soon, how am I ever going to make it through that knowing that I should be planning the same for Riley?

Why oh why am I in so much pain when I should be celebrating the life inside me? I feel ungrateful or selfish or a bad mother because I'm thinking of my boys and not my little girl. I expect at every single appointment that she is gone, and each and every appointment I'm pleasantly suprised when she's not. How long is this going to last?

The weather, no doubt, has a lot to do with it too. When it's sunny, I'm happy and upbeat. But rainy days like today and the weekend just bring me so low. Yesterday at my mother's house I feel asleep on the couch. I awoke, somewhere between sleep and awake, and my boys were by my side. How do I know this? Every single hair on my body was standing straight, and I felt two very distinct little souls with me and had a feeling of love wash over me twice...two seperate times. It seems that is when I feel them the most, the state of being awake and asleep. It's as if I'm connected to them at that split moment aware that I'm not unconscience and that they are there as if they had never left. They are my sons, committed to watching over us and their unborn sister. They are my tiny boys for whom I will always love.


Monica H said...

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, but I haven't emailed you. I guess, I didn't want to bother you??? I'm sorry that you've been sad, but it's completely normal. I know we are nothing but "normal", but you're still grieving and you still have doubts. That's human and that's all you know. I pray with my entire heart that you will have this baby and she will be healthy, and crying, and alive!

I can't help but notice that you said "it will make things even harder WHEN we loose her." Don't give up and don't stop believing that this one will make it. Faith is all we have sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Oh Becky I know how you feel. I wish I could hit a fast forward button for you to have your little girl here in your arms, screaming.

I tried to get through Li'l Miss's pregnancy by making every effort I possibly could to cherish the pregnancy and enjoy it, even while fearing everything! I know it's hard and you just keep taking it one day at a time.

Thinking of you as you come up to your little mans second anniversary. Hope it is a peaceful day for you, remembering your little guy.

Anonymous said...

sweety you have been dealing with very great loss for a long time. It is not something that you can just put aside. you know this. You are also chock full of hormones, and as you said further along than you ever have been no? so your hormones and body are not your own. Your moods are magnified your hopelessness, crankiness, guilt. You are doing so well. Mourn when you need to mourn. snap when you need to snap, cry when you need to cry. It will hurt you more to pretend it's not there. One day at a time. That's all I have for you. If you can't deal with Nathaniel's birthday then make an excuse and do not deal with it. and do not feel guilty about that at all. You can only do what you need to do. The outcome you want is to take home that baby girl healthy, with a bow. Well worry about how to acheive that and put everything else second including things that may upset or hurt you. You have been so strong and so brave and so sweet, You deserve a living child. Thos boys are always with you, always watching over you and always protecting you. You are and will always be a wonderful mother. Believe that your boys are protecting their sister and never lose faith in her. Sometimes it all you have.

M said...

I can relate so much to all of what you've said. Even about the weather. When I wake up and it's rainy, I feel anxious. Otherwise, it's not so bad. But I keep having thoughts like "when she dies", "when she stops moving", etc. It's terrifying. I don't really have any advice for dealing with it, but I wanted to let you know that you are not by any means a bad mother because you are thinking about your boys and because you are so scared. I think it would be abnormal if you weren't really afraid. It sucks, but it is normal.