Conversations

"How is your day today?" I asked as cheerfully as I could.
"Ok. The nurse came today, did Mom tell you?" she asked.
"Yup, Mom said. What did you think?"
She shrugged her shoulders and patted the bed next to her. I sat.

"Is the baby moving a lot?"
"Yup most of the time."
"Is she moving now?" she asked as she reached for my belly. "No," I said, "But maybe with the right touch she will." No movement, but she rubbed and rubbed. "Tell me her name again." she said. "Lily Rylan." I replied. "Rylan...that's a pretty name. Where did you come up with that?" she said. "Our boys. Dylan and Riley. We put their names together to get her middle name. We figured that we wouldn't have made it this far without them." I answered and there was a short pause. "When I get there, I'll give them a kiss for you."

A moment passes.

"Do you think it hurts to die?"
"I know it doesn't hurt to die. There is no way something so peaceful could be painful."

Silence...

"Who's going to take care of the kids?"
"We will." I said. "I promise they will be taken care of."
"Sometimes you might get frustrated with Lily," she said, "but try not to scream and yell to much. Think about it before...ask yourself if it's worth the argument. What about Kevin? He's going to alienate himself."
"We won't let him. I promise that we'll help him do whatever it is that he needs."

Silence again...

"I'm afraid it's going to hurt to die."
"Nope. I'm sure it doesn't hurt to die." I said quietly. I couldn't tell her that the cancer is going to be painful. They will make her comfortable, that I know. But there is absolutely no way that the act of dying is painful.
"Just think" I said, "if the girls are dating someone that you don't like you can always show up at the foot of their bed. Just don't show up at the foot of mine!" She laughed a good laugh. I haven't heard that from her in a long time. "Yeah for the first time in my life I'll have complete control of them!"


"I'm getting tired." she said finally.

Mom and I got into the car and cried all the way home. It's going to be soon. She's doing and saying what she needs to do. According to the nurse, we'll each probably get one more good visit before things change drastically. I need to remember her laughter. I need to know that she'll take care of Dylan and Riley there and we'll take care of her children here. We're both mothers, afraid to leave our children. But with shitty circumstances...