Rapidly changing

"Will you give Lily a kiss for me?" my dear aunt asked my mother.
"Of course." she replied, "I'll kiss her everyday for the rest of my life for you."

Things are chaning very quickly with my aunt. If you recall, she was diagnosed in March of 2007 with stage 4 colon cancer. It has since spread to most of her organs including her liver. My mother is trying to prepare us. I hoped (wishful thinking maybe) that she would be here to meet Lily. But that does not look like the case.

My mother and SIL threw us a baby shower on Sunday. It was beautiful, and very peaceful. Although I had mixed feelings about it, but that's for another post. Anyway, my grandmother pulled up and my aunt got out of the car. I held back the tears, as I held her and she cried in my arms. She was so frail, but so happy to be there. We helped her to her seat, gave her some lemonade, and she asked if I could open her presents first. She was upset because she intended to make something for Lily, but could not finish it. So instead her daughters went out and bought her some pretty dresses and lots of books. It was perfect. She left about 30 minutes later, and we found out yesterday that she was so exahusted after she left that she fainted when she walked through the door. She's ok, thankfully, but it was to much for her.

My mom urged me yesterday to see her. She said that if there is anything that I need to do or to say to tell her. I'm sad that she won't be here to see Lily, but I'm incredibly happy that she'll be starting a new journey and will be able to hug and kiss Dylan and Riley and send Lily on her way when it's time. So what do you say to someone who is dying? I want to ask her to hold the boys and tell them that we love them deeply. But they know that. You might wonder how I know that they'll be together. If you remember that weird dream I had about my grandmother a few months ago, I have no doubts anymore. I know there is *somewhere* that we go, but we never return. I want to tell her what my grandmother said in the dream. That dying isn't painful and that she will go to sleep in wake up in a miraculous place. I want to tell her these things, but how? What do I say? How do I say it? She's been asking my mom about if she thought dying was painful, and I want her to know that it's not. It can't be. If it was then I'd have to admit that it was painful for the boys, and I'm willing to bet it was much more painful for me than it was for them.

There is also a large part of me that wants to protect my grandparents from the reality that their daughter is going to die. I don't want any person to feel the pain that I feel, and although I don't particularly like them sometimes...I do love them and I don't want them in that much pain. I've experienced a miniscule amount of what they are going to go through and it nearly killed me. I'm not 80, and my boys were not in their 50's with children. I want to protect them from that pain. On an upside, my grandmother spoke with a nurse yesterday at the oncologist's office who told her flat out that there is nothing more that my grandmother can do for her. She was feeling helpless (we know that feeling) and she was feeling like she should be able to protect her daughter and take care of her by holding onto her, feeding her, and trying to mother her back to normal. Feelings that we are all to familiar with. It's just that with cancer, unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done at this point. It's to far. So hearing from the nurse that it was ok for her to let go was incredibly healing for her. Speaking with my mom, I explained how not knowing that can kill a person. If someone had told me, looked me in the eyes, and really told me that there was nothing I could have done to save Riley and Dylan I know without a doubt that it would have made things easier. I would have been able to let go, put and end to the sentence, and move on from there. While it was hard to hear, it opened her up to cry and come to peace with some things.

Today they are meeting a home health nurse to care for her. It's a relief from everyone because my grandparents don't have to make the 40-min drive each day on a perfect schedule, and my mother gets a break. My uncle can work a little from home, and her children aren't tied down. It also gives her someone to talk to when we can't answer the hard questions.

Please, if you have some to spare, keep us in your thoughts or prayers. My computer is down at home so I'm here at my mom's waiting for her to come and get me to go over. I'll try to post as often as I can, but unfortunately the situation is going to get worse before it gets better. The next few weeks are going to bring unfortunate changes in our family, but thankfully we have a lot to look forward to come September...our saving grace.