Monday, November 24, 2008

It seems silly now

Yesterday I was chatting with Lisa, and we were talking about how mentally we do crazy things when we are pregnant after a loss. I described to her what Lily's funeral would have looked like, had she died. I remember that I had almost gone as far as buying the plot next to the boys, pre-ordering the flowers, and burning a cd with the music. I remember thinking, This time we're going to go all out...pull out all the stops for our last child. I had a check-list of things that I would do right this time. I would take lots of pictures and let everyone hold her. I put off buying the headstone because I was convinced that we'd just have to add another name to it anyway. I didn't want Derick to get his memorial tattoo because I wanted to make sure that he had enough room to add her name to it. I didn't want to name her. I didn't want to find out her gender. I didn't want to do any of those things because if I did, it meant that she was real.

But I was in love with her.

And it didn't happen. The other shoe didn't drop.

I sat around, on edge, for months waiting for my water to break. Even when she was about to be born, they had to break it. Even when I was fully dialated, she didn't come out.

It seems silly now that I spent so much time waiting for those things to happen. Planning on those things happening.

Now I hold her in my arms and I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine not seeing her face everyday. It's just...silly. It is, really. But in that moment, we do anything and everything we can do to survive until the next day.


Azaera said...

I have all these worries too, and I feel crazy like I am going to jinx him coming home when I tell people he may be home before christmas. I don't know that for sure, and everytime I say it I feel like something bad is going to happen before then. I want to thank you so much for commenting on my blog, I really do need someone to talk to right now who has been through this, and it helps so much that you are giving me encouragement. I hope you don't mind if I pester you with questions here and there..

~S said...

If and when I do get pregnant, be sure to remind me of this, ok? Gently, but still! :-)

niobe said...

I find myself putting a lot more effort for planning the funeral for this current (and, as far as I know, completely healthy) baby than I do into planning the nursery.

Monica H said...

This doesn't seem silly at all to me, because it's our reality. And I have a confession to make:

"I remember that I had almost gone as far as buying the plot next to the boys"

We did buy the plot next to our boys :-(

Anonymous said...

Visiting after seeing your post on the June '09 board.

This post was so, so helpful. I am coming closer and closer to the 33 week point when we lost our son back in 2007 with this pregnancy now and the closer I get the more I feel I hold my breath. Thank you for the reminder that things will not necessarily go all wrong.

I don't know what happened that you stopped blogging, but this post alone was helpful and I will probably be reading the posts you have left up. Thank you.