It seems silly now

Yesterday I was chatting with Lisa, and we were talking about how mentally we do crazy things when we are pregnant after a loss. I described to her what Lily's funeral would have looked like, had she died. I remember that I had almost gone as far as buying the plot next to the boys, pre-ordering the flowers, and burning a cd with the music. I remember thinking, This time we're going to go all out...pull out all the stops for our last child. I had a check-list of things that I would do right this time. I would take lots of pictures and let everyone hold her. I put off buying the headstone because I was convinced that we'd just have to add another name to it anyway. I didn't want Derick to get his memorial tattoo because I wanted to make sure that he had enough room to add her name to it. I didn't want to name her. I didn't want to find out her gender. I didn't want to do any of those things because if I did, it meant that she was real.

But I was in love with her.

And it didn't happen. The other shoe didn't drop.

I sat around, on edge, for months waiting for my water to break. Even when she was about to be born, they had to break it. Even when I was fully dialated, she didn't come out.

It seems silly now that I spent so much time waiting for those things to happen. Planning on those things happening.

Now I hold her in my arms and I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine not seeing her face everyday. It's just...silly. It is, really. But in that moment, we do anything and everything we can do to survive until the next day.