Monday, November 24, 2008

It seems silly now

Yesterday I was chatting with Lisa, and we were talking about how mentally we do crazy things when we are pregnant after a loss. I described to her what Lily's funeral would have looked like, had she died. I remember that I had almost gone as far as buying the plot next to the boys, pre-ordering the flowers, and burning a cd with the music. I remember thinking, This time we're going to go all out...pull out all the stops for our last child. I had a check-list of things that I would do right this time. I would take lots of pictures and let everyone hold her. I put off buying the headstone because I was convinced that we'd just have to add another name to it anyway. I didn't want Derick to get his memorial tattoo because I wanted to make sure that he had enough room to add her name to it. I didn't want to name her. I didn't want to find out her gender. I didn't want to do any of those things because if I did, it meant that she was real.

But I was in love with her.

And it didn't happen. The other shoe didn't drop.

I sat around, on edge, for months waiting for my water to break. Even when she was about to be born, they had to break it. Even when I was fully dialated, she didn't come out.

It seems silly now that I spent so much time waiting for those things to happen. Planning on those things happening.

Now I hold her in my arms and I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine not seeing her face everyday. It's just...silly. It is, really. But in that moment, we do anything and everything we can do to survive until the next day.

5 comments:

Azaera said...

I have all these worries too, and I feel crazy like I am going to jinx him coming home when I tell people he may be home before christmas. I don't know that for sure, and everytime I say it I feel like something bad is going to happen before then. I want to thank you so much for commenting on my blog, I really do need someone to talk to right now who has been through this, and it helps so much that you are giving me encouragement. I hope you don't mind if I pester you with questions here and there..

~S said...

If and when I do get pregnant, be sure to remind me of this, ok? Gently, but still! :-)

niobe said...

I find myself putting a lot more effort for planning the funeral for this current (and, as far as I know, completely healthy) baby than I do into planning the nursery.

Monica H said...

This doesn't seem silly at all to me, because it's our reality. And I have a confession to make:

"I remember that I had almost gone as far as buying the plot next to the boys"

We did buy the plot next to our boys :-(

Amy said...

Visiting after seeing your post on the June '09 board.

This post was so, so helpful. I am coming closer and closer to the 33 week point when we lost our son back in 2007 with this pregnancy now and the closer I get the more I feel I hold my breath. Thank you for the reminder that things will not necessarily go all wrong.

I don't know what happened that you stopped blogging, but this post alone was helpful and I will probably be reading the posts you have left up. Thank you.