Monday, October 02, 2006

What is going on?


I don't know what is going on with my body. I'm not sure what to think. I don't know whether I should be excited, freaked out, scared, or all of the above.

My period was due today, and it hasn't come.

Granted, it may be just a little late. I may just be getting back on schedule. And I don't feel like I'm pregnant. I had a bit of nausea a few days ago, but that passed. But it hit me hard at happened while I was walking to the car. I've had to go to the bathroom a lot. But I'm not sure if thats due to drinking more water or not. And I've been much more tired than usual, but I don't know if thats due to getting up early for work or not. So many things, so many variables. So I don't know what to think.

I do know one thing, I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm just going to be even more dissapointed if it doesn't turn out the way I hope. With Dylan, I had textbook symptoms. This time I don't. Could that be due to being pregnant again so soon? Maybe. Could it be because I'm not pregnant? Probably. I'm trying not to get Derick's hopes up as well. He didn't want to try this month, but I guilted him into it I think. I didn't mean to, and he says he is ready. But I can't help but think that he was ready because I was ready.

We were talking about Christmas presents the other day, and I rattled off a long list of the things that I wanted and I hoped I could get this year. When I got done, I asked him and he said, "All I want for Christmas this year is a baby." It made my heart melt.

At the point in my life that I'm in, a baby would help tremendously. It would focus my attention on something else instead of the upcoming days. I'm having a really hard time the closer that I get. I completely lost it today at work. Sometimes I'm fine and I can talk to people all the time about Dylan, but sometimes the mention of another person's baby just puts me over the edge. I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet. But I'm getting there. I'm making progress...however things turn out for us.