Thursday, January 04, 2007

Happy New Year

I'm a little late...but oh goes life

I spent my New Year's crying. I felt as though I had left my boys back in 2006. Like I was abandoning them. I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted the world to stop on May 8th, the day God took my Dylan. And when it didn't, I fully expected it to stop on December 26th, the day God took my Riley. Why does it seem that when you want things to go quick, life becomes almost at a standstill. And when you don't want to move on, things fly by. I want to stay there, I want to be with them. But I can't, and I haven't accepted that yet. I wish that I had a time machine to go back and hold them one last time. See there sweet faces, and kiss their sweet lips.

It's been 8 days since Riley went to Heaven. If it weren't for the Zoloft, I don't know what would have happened to me. Or what will happen to me for that matter. I really should write them a letter! My cousin, Marcie, on my Dad's side just lost her little boy at 16 weeks 6 days. The same exact point that we lost Dylan for the same exact reason. She is understandable distraught. I wish that the pain could have ended with us. I wish that no one else would have to feel what we feel, think what we think, and live our lives without our babies. God I wish that. I'm so angry. I wake up in the middle of the night furious with life and God and the doctors and myself. Everyday I think, "My body killed my babies." And I can't get past that. Someone asked me today if I really believed it. And I do. I really, truly do. There isn't a part of me that thinks, "Oh that's crazy." Because after Dylan, there was a part of me that thought that. But not anymore. There is no doubt that my body killed my babies. Absolutely no doubt.

Derick said that life moved on as if I wasn't ever pregnant. It's like it was a dream. A small, but very signifigant dream to keep me from the reality of my life. I was so happy pregnant with both of my boys. I can't wait to try again, although this time around I'm not as obsessed. I understand the risks both physically and emotionally. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I would loose another baby. It's not fair to our next child and it's not fair to those who love us.

I told Derick last night that God has a miracle waiting for us. And if God blesses us with a she, he, or a will be a miracle. God blesses us with children in different ways though. I've accepted that we may only be able to adopt a child. And that's fine. But I can't give up this one last hope to have a baby of our own. I want nothing more in my life than to carry Derick's baby and hold him or her proudly for the rest of their life. But it's ok to save another baby and still hold them proudly. God gives miracles, but it's just not on our time schedule.

Well that's it for this year. It's the plan to take lots of time and relax and enjoy this year. Last year was so dificult that it will take a while to heal. I need to have hope, because otherwise I have nothing. This surgery gives me hope, and I need to hold onto that for a while.