Ahhhh

I just want to screem today. I don't know why, just one of those moods.

I made dinner tonight, and it was good. I'm always hesitant to make things because I know that my parents won't eat it, but then they will bitch because I don't cook. So I did. It's the first motivated thing I've done in a while. And I was motivated to do it. My Dad ate, two helpings. Derick ate, and I ate. No one died. It was good. Mom comes home from work with a bag full of Panera Bread. I said, "I told you I was making dinner. When you called, Dad told you I was making dinner." She stared at me, yelled because it was my fault that she didn't know, and then went on to make excuses that she just had a craving for a sandwich. What the fuck? No one has a craving for a sandwich that they have to make!! Then she added, "Maybe I'll have the dinner for lunch tomorrow. If I feel like it." Wonderful. There goes a whole pot of sausage and peppers, into the refrigerator to sit for days because no one will eat it. I don't know why it bother's me so much, it's her money lost. But it does. It just does. I want my OWN house. I want my OWN kitchen back. I'm tired of using hers. I have different rules in my kitchen. My rules!

Then she gets on our case about wanting to go to Florida next weekend to get the car. Plane tickets went up, so maybe Derick will have to go by himself. Although I was really looking forward to going. I'm so afraid that it will be hard though. Last time I was there I was pregnant with Dylan. The last time I laid in my bed or sat on my couch Dylan was alive inside me, happy and content. Last time I saw those things, held those things, or wore those things I was the happiest I had been my whole life. And to top it off, Febuary 9th is the day last year that we found out we were expecting him. It's bittersweet I guess. Anyhow, Mom got on our case about going. What doesn't she get that once we get my car back here it will be easier on everyone? Or that we will feel so much better about ourselves instead of putting it off, once again. We've been putting it off since October. How much longer can we go? So she just went to bed mad at me. Who cares. I don't. I have much more important things in my life than worrying about what she thinks. I just wish she could keep her opinions to herself. They make me want to bash my head in. Really.

I'm hungry again. It's late, and I know I shouldn't...but I can't help myself. I only eat one meal a day these days, dinner. So I guess I should. The councilor was a bit taken aback when I told her that I eat only one meal. Maybe that's why she wants to meet with me alone. But yuck, at the same time eating makes me want to vomit. So maybe I won't. I went through this with Dylan...I took the hottest shower I could almost to the point of my skin burning so that I wouldn't hurt so much on the inside. It seems like this not eating thing is doing the same for me. It's keeping my emotional pain at bay by initiating physical pain. I have to get out of this. I know I'm smarter than this. I'm stronger than this. I just don't know how to help myself. Derick will freak out if he hears this. He hates when I'm this way because it scares him.

On a happier note, I've come to the realization that lots of people that I don't know read my blog. And I'm thrilled. My hopes are that maybe another mother will read this and cherish her babies hugs more. Or that another grieving parent will read this and realize they aren't alone. Or that one day, people can look back and see for sure how far I've come. If you are reading now, I love to read your comments. They make me smile and realize that I'm not alone, and that somewhere out there it might touch someone. Plus, there is nothing more that I love to talk about than Dylan and Riley. I feel generic refering to them as 'the boys' isn't that weird? So I'm going to keep refering to them by name as much as I can. They are very indivitual little boys. Both loved so very much!

Ok, so I'm off to get something to eat. I'm also going to work on Riley's cross-stitch birth announcement. It will help me release some stress from my mother! Ahhh! She gets to me!