What a weekend

Friday I got a phone call from a guy about a job that I applied to. He wanted to set up an interview. So it's tomorrow. I'm excited, but in the course of reading to Derick what the job entailed, I saw that they were hiring for something else. A Multi-Day Tours Assistant. Fancy name for basically putting together things for group cruises, bus tours, charters, sending the information to the passenger, booking air fare, and keeping track of their files. It's what I've been looking to do for a long time. So I'm going to ask him to consider me for both positions. The guy was weird though, and the converstation was strange. I think he's a jerk, he thinks I'm crazy. This is pretty much how it went

Him: "Hi, may I speak to Rebecca?"
Me: "This is her."
Him: "Hi, this is so and so from Transbridge Tours, I was wondering if you could come in for an interview?"
Me: "Sure!"
Him: "I see that you left Guardian, do you mind telling me why?"
Me: "Uhh...I had some personal reasons."
Him: long pause
Me: "I found myself pregnant with a very high risk pregnancy, and needed to leave because of some complications...but we went on to loose that baby as well."
Him: "I really didn't need to know that much. That was really to much information."
Me: "I'm sorry about that. I never know exactly what to say when people ask me that."
Him: "How's Tuesday at 11?"

Now wouldn't you think that after a long pause, he would want you to elaborate some more? I thought that's what he wanted. I didn't want him to think that I left because I couldn't get along with people or management. Because that wasn't the case. But now I feel like an idiot and I think he's a jerk. Derick told me if I don't like it, I don't have to stay. But we need the money.

So on Saturday I went to Aunt Chris's for the afternoon. It was a huge step for me because I was out of my box. I went by myself, even though I wasn't completely comfortable, and ended up having a wonderful time. I had to leave though because Pop had a mass for Riley at 4:30 that afternoon. So I picked up Mom, and we went. We got there a bit late though because she missed the turn, so by the time we got there Pop and Aunt Chris were already seated and we had to take a seat in the back. I looked over at them and noticed a lady with a baby about 4 months old, the same as Dylan would have been had he been born in October. I started to cry. I saw Pop, and he was crying. I looked over again, and he was gone. About 30 mins later, he came over to me in the middle of the service and gave me a hug. I told him I loved him, and he went back to his seat, still crying. It broke my heart. I hate to see him so sad. I know how much he loves both of my boys, and his life has certainly changed because of them. It seems as though at 80 he has lost his innocence as well. Anyway, Mom rode home with him and he mentioned that the baby sitting in front of him just put him over the edge. I know what he meant. It was very hard. He was such a happy, playful baby and there we were...grieving two babies. I want so much for him to see a Great Grandchild before something happens to him, but at the same time I feel horrible for putting him through this one more time. I don't want him to see the pain on our faces, and I don't want to see the pain on his. He has so much love for children that I feel as though I'm taking that away from him. He and my grandmother had also suffered a miscarriage between the twins and my Aunt Mil. I think that he feels a lot of emotion from that as well and it doesn't help things.

On Sunday I was having a bad day. I woke up sad, and I just couldn't get out of it. Derick and I had a fight because I was sad and wanted a hug but he didn't know if I wanted to be left alone or if I wanted him to console me. So he left me a lone. Wrong! After we both got over it, we went to see Grandad since he came home from the hospital. I hate to say it, because I'm not one to feel this way, but I've lost so much respect, love, and appreciation for them in the past 8 months. When I say that I really don't care, I don't. I went over to see my aunt and uncle who had come in to town. We didn't leave without a lecture from my grandfather, and he managed to make a comment about his brother's family..."Their poor family. Out of 4 babies, they lost 2." I wanted to scream, "What about your family? What about me, your grandaughter? What about your Great Grandsons?" They see my grief as insignifigant. They think that I'm just overly sensitive. It makes me sad because I feel like Dylan and Riley don't even matter to them. To any of them. It hurts me tremendously. I don't think they will ever know the power of their words to Derick and I. At his suprise 80th birthday party he thanked all of his grandchildren, but he forgot to mention me. Then he had Heather stand up so that everyone could clap for my brother who was serving in Iraq at the time. I nearly walked out of the party, but instead I went into the other room and silently cried. I felt like I had to respect them, but how much is to much? When do you draw the line...when do you start taking care of yourself and your heart and not worry about the feelings of others? How do you protect yourself from the hurt, without hurting other people...like my father?

So it wasn't a great weekend, but it wasn't bad either. Strange, I guess. I hope that the interview goes well tomorrow. I just want out of the house. And I want out of here. I just want to go somewhere and start a new life. What a dream! Haha!