One year ago

My sweet Dylan,

My how time has flown. On this day, last year, we found that our lives were going to take a welcome turn. We found out that we were pregnant with you.

At that time, we had no idea what God had in store for us. We had no idea what to expect, or even how to go about being parents. But we knew, without a doubt, that we loved you more than life itself.

The day was a beautiful, warm day in Orlando. I dropped Daddy off to play golf with his friend, Mike. He told me to pick him up in a few hours. I had so much to do that day. We had just moved into a new house, and I had tons of unpacking to do. But I couldn't focus my attention on anything but you. I knew that my period was due the Monday before, and it hadn't come yet. So instead of going back home, I drove over to the outlet stores. I walked into the Carter's outlet, and they had a 70% off sale! It was fate! The woman at the store asked me if I needed help. I said, "No thank you. I'm just looking. Not even absolutely sure that I'm pregnant yet." But I was sure, without a doubt. Daddy and I had a conversation a few nights before. We had talked about a baby, and I knew. There was this feeling deep in my heart that I was pregnant. So I humored him, but kept my mouth shut. The night of the conversation, I had read that you can use an OPK as a pregnancy test...so I did. And it was positive. I knew for sure that I wasn't ovulating again! I walked around Carter's for at least an hour. Feeling all the soft baby fabrics, dreaming of little boys and dinosaurs and little girls and fairytales. I touched each fabric, lingered on the softest of soft blankets, and walked out of the store with a smile on my face. After Carter's, I went to the Dollar General to get some pregnancy tests. I snuck them in my purse, and left to go pick up Daddy from his golf game.

When we got back home, Lilo and Max were waiting patiently for us. Daddy let them out, and went onto the computer. I went into the bathroom in time to hear him say, "Don't take a pregnancy test yet. I don't want to be dissapointed." It was to late. By the time he said that, I already had the positive test in hand. I called to him, and he came running. Lilo and Max were right behind him. I sqeeled, "Do you see the plus sign?" I needed desperately to know that he saw what I did. He did. We hugged each other for so long, not wanting that moment to ever go away.

The next few weeks were filled with such memories. Sleepless nights worrying about how we were going to pay for your college, sleepless nights because my stomache was growling, and sleepless nights just because I wasn't comfortable! Daddy told me, "You can't be hungry already. I just can't eat anymore!" You grew so well. You were such a strong little boy.

Oh Dylan, I miss you so very much. It seems as though holding you and carrying you were just a dream. But it wasn't. It was more than a dream, although it feels like so very long ago. I wish sometimes that time would slow down a little just so that I can adjust a little more to life without you and Riley. But it can't. And I can't let it. I need life to keep on going, as hard as it is for us. Your little soul can't even imagine how much you have bettered me. At times, it's to much for my big soul to imagine. I love you more than life itself. I would do anything to have you and Riley back here with me, but I've tried everything I could think of. And it didn't work. So for now, we have to adjust to speaking to each other silently until I can hear your voice once again.

I love you baby boy. You will always be my first born son.

Love and kisses always,
Mommy