Friday, July 20, 2007

A few more months...

Derick and I had a chat last night. I was complaining how the birth control screws up my cycles so much that I don't even know when to expect AF. He told me that I didn't have to take it anymore if I did't want to. What?! He said for the 3 times that we have sex a month we can use other alternatives !!

But it's only for August...one month and 10 days until we can try again! One more month and 10 days until I'm actually doing something.

And only one month and 10 days until I'm petrified, irrational, and fearful of every cramp, ache, twinge, lack of naseau, lack of breast aches...yikes...when I write it all out I wonder why I would ever want to go through that again. The lack of control, the unknowing, the constant worry, fear, unanswered prayers...

Why would anyone put themselves through that? Simple. Because I need to have a child more than I need to breathe. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to hold my own child to my heart and listen to him cry. Or watch him squirm and giggle...it must be the most incredible feeling in the world.

Only a few more months and this will be all over...this relentless worry...it will all be in vain. And this time, next year, God will bless us with a baby. And if it happens to be that it is not a child of my own womb, it will be a child of my own heart. The very baby that I've been wating rather impatiently for. Impatient only because I have so much love to give.

7 comments:

Monica said...

Hi Becky. I just saw your blog on the baby loss directory. I am sorry for both of your losses. I didn't read you whole blog yet, but I will soon. Just wanted to ask if they know why you lost the boys? I have a friend in my loss support group who lost two boys at 17 and 16 weeks and hers were due to incompetent cervix. I wish you the best of luck in TTC and dealing with the pain you have.

Becky said...

Monica--

I hope you come back and read this! I would love to talk to your friend. We are going to see the specialist in September for a consult on the abdominal cerclage. I would love to hear her thoughts on it! I lost my boys at 17 and 16 weeks as well.

I'm so glad that you found my blog. I'm glad that we can support each other on this ride that none of us wanted to be on.

butterflyanla said...

We will have babies in 2008 even if I have to snatch us some from walmart ;) Miss you!

Monica H said...

Hi Becky,
I am Monica's friend who lost her two boys at 17 and 16 weeks. My name is Monica as well. I'll go by Monica H. to keep it less confusing. I read your blog and our stories are so much alike. Samuel Andrew was born Aug 15, 2006 at 17w1d and Jackson Robert was born Feb 21, 2007 at 16w4d. My losses were due to IC and I had a cerclage with my second pregnancy that failed. I understand your pain and frustration and I wish you a happy and healthy family. Best of luck TTC! I can't wait to get started either :)

Debbie said...

Oh Becky, soon, you'll be able to try again! I'm sure as it gets closer you are just a bundle of emotions.
Thinking of you. (((Hugs)))

Marcie said...

Hey. It's been awhile. I'm glad that you are on your way to a healthy pregnancy. It is inspiring that you are so positive and hopeful. Looks like we'll be trying for our babies around the same time. Let me know how it goes with Dr. Davis.
Marcie

Birdie said...

I just found your blog, and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your losses.

I haven't read your blog all the way through just yet. I caught that you are on birth control, if you want to get pregnant in the next little while you should get off of it right away. It can only hinder becoming pregnant, that stuff can stay in your system for a while.

After our Birdie died, I turned b.c. down, because I knew that it would hurt our chances of getting pregnant in the next year. Our midwives also advised other methods of b.c., because they knew we were going to start to ttc in the next year.

Birdies Mama