I wonder if I am making any progress. Some days I feel like I really am, and then others, like today, all I can think about is the boys. What would they be doing? Dylan would be talking and eating solid foods. Riley would be crawling around after Lilo on the floor.
I wonder if I'm not moving forward the way I should not because of grief, but because of the trauma that I experienced both physically and emotionally. Is it just to much for me to handle? When I had Dylan, I nearly died. That was huge physicall trauma. When I had Riley, I lost all of the faith that I had in ANYTHING. I lost the faith that I had in myself, in life, in my doctors, in the medical field in general...everything, it seems, except for my faith in God. When I thought that all was lost, He was the only thing that I clung to. Mostly because I didn't have anything left. When Dylan was born, I shunned him wondering how he could do this to me. But with Riley, it was different. I didn't have anything else left except for Him.
Is it possible to be so traumatized that a person wouldn't want to move on in their life? Because I feel as though I'm griefed out. I miss the boys every second of every day, but I understand that they are there and I am here. I understand that things will never be the same again. Yet the fear of the past, the emotional and the pysical trauma, are keeping me from moving forward. That fear is what keeps me from being able to be positive about another baby. That fear is what is holding me back. How do I get past something like that to move on?
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Am I moving forward?
Posted by Becky at 4:41 PM
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2 comments:
I can relate to how you are feeling. After losing a child, I've lost all faith in the universe. You aren't supposed to have to bury your child, it's not the 'natural order' of things. I think that having lost both your boys, you feel this also, but even more.
It is hard to move forward and to keep moving forward. I was absolutely devastated at new years, as time just kept marching on, and I wasn't ready for it to. I still feel that way, when I think that Laurent would be one now, and why-oh-why do I have to miss out on all the things he would be and do?
I don't know if the physical trauma of Dylan's birth adds to this, but I bet that you don't have much opportunity to talk about it. Mothers of living children can tell their labour and delivery stories - it's like discussing war wounds. But if your baby isn't here in your arms, then you don't get the chance to brandish about such stories of how you almost died delivering him.
Anyway I am rambling now, but I wanted you to know that it's normal to feel how you do. Be gentle with yourself, you will start moving forward when you are ready. Remember it's only been 6 months since Riley was born, stop putting so much pressure on yourself mate.
Hi Becky,
I just now found the comment that you left on one of my posts so I came over to "see" you.
Ah grief...what is "normal/healthy" and what isn't? It is so hard to say. And no one else's experience is really the same as yours, even if their story sounds almost identical. Because you are a unique person your experience is unique as well. I know that you are seeing a therapist (or you were) and I believe that is important. I regret that I didn't seek therapy sooner. But we cannot go back and change the past, we can only move forward from where we are not.
I thought that I had when I was reading your post, though, is that there are different types of therapy that focus on different things. Talk therapy and cognitive/behavioral therapy are very important for working out experiences and our reactions to them and how to cope and move forward, how to manage our relationships, etc. But we do hold trauma (both physical and emotional) in our bodies. There are therapies that specifically address this aspect. The therapist I am going to see on Wednesday is a traditional therapist who also uses energy work (Reiki). I am looking forward to seeing/experiencing what this is like. My MIL also really believes in Rapid Eye Movement therapy, which is targeted at releasing trauma that the body holds only, much of it on a subconscious level.
Just some suggestions. I will let you know how the session goes on Wednesday. I havn't set anything up with the REM therapist yet, but I plan to. I figure every little bit helps (or, at least, it can't hurt).
Take care:)
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