Not as bad as we thought

So first, the good news....NO MORE INCOMPETENT CERVIX!!! We graduated!!!! Yay! I was giddy with excitement when he told me that he didn't need to see me anymore for cervix checks. It's been steady, and today was actually the longest it has been at 3.6cm. I had a spring in my step when I got out of the car and ran up the steps to tell Derick the good news. I haven't ran in a while : )

They did a level 1 today and she weighs 1lb 14oz and she's measuring right on track at 25w6d. She's smack dab in the middle of the growth spectrum, which was great. He said that the fluid level is wonderful, and the blood flow is "almost supernatural"...those were his exact words! So he was really thrilled with that. It's one concern with high bp and pre-e.

They took my bp and it was 140/78. We discussed a lot about it and he explained that with typical pre-e or PIH, your bp can change drastically. It will go from very high or high, to normal or even low within minutes. So now we understand why they were so concerned. No one explained that to us. He also said that he's not sure he recommends meds because it just helps a symptom but not the problem. The problem is still pre-e, not high bp. So I would really rather not take them unless it's a do or die situation. I told him that my mother had it, and that there were other risk factors that I had. He asked my mom if she had GD and she said that she had it with me. Haha, that was news to me...so there's another risk factor. She had pre-e with my brother and possible GD because he was 10lbs 4oz, and deffinate GD with me. He is anticipating that I'll have both, but that it's nothing to be more concerned about. He said that typically they go hand in hand and I'm certainly not the only person with both. The good news is that the pre-e won't let her get supersize (that's what I call my brother) and the GD won't let her be overly small. We talked about the steroid shots and he's not anticipating them anytime in the near future. Sometime after 30 weeks probably. He then said that if I have GD, the shots can make my blood sugar shoot up so they will do it in a controlled environment and I'll be in overnight.
Otherwise, he recommended 24-hr urine every week and that a home nurse come in everyday and check my bp, dip my urine, and look for swelling or any other signs.

So it was NOT nearly as scary as yesterday. We're deffinately looking at 36 weeks and possibly 34. But not like we thought yesterday...we still have some time!!

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank God

Not so great appointment

The MA came in and took my bp and it was 150/100. I brought my little cuff and took it and it was 134/88. I was really upset. The doctor said that he'd rather take my reading, but that he wants to see me twice a week until delivery. I was finishing up my 24-hr urine test so hopefully we'll have the results of that later this week.

But we talked about the status of things. He wants to put me on meds, but I'm worried about the potential risk to the baby. He explained that it's tricky because high bp puts a tremendous strain on the baby, but bp that is to low isn't good either. I'm just nervous about it, I guess. I hate taking anything that could potentially hurt her. Derick asked about when we could schedule the c-section and he was very reluctant to say anything. He said that he knows that if we schedule the c-section it won't mean anything because there is no way that she's going to be born then. According to him today, when we get past 28 weeks every week counts. He also mentioned that he feels badly that we worked so hard to keep her in with the cerclage and that she's going to be coming earlier than expected anyway. So goes life, though. To me, she's much safer outside my body than inside. He told us today, with more certainty, that it's very likely she'll be born before 36 weeks. Last week he said very probable. Today it's likely. I just don't know what to think. Derick is so scared, and he's not talking as much as he should. He said that he wanted to hear from the doctor that everything will be ok with Lily but he was so overwhelmed that he forgot to ask. I'm afraid, but I have an overwhelming feeling that things are going to be ok. Like, she'll be ok...we'll be ok in every way...that she's the miracle that we have been waiting for our entire lives. It just has to be ok...people don't go through this 3 times.

I also asked somewhat jokingly if I was his highest risk patient. He went on to say that since he's affiliated with the hospital he has to take high risk patients, not that he would turn us away anyway. But private OB's have the right to turn people away for being to high risk. He said that there are CERTAIN patients that make him nervous and that he has to stay on top of his game for. Not only for obvious reasons, but he needs to sleep at night knowing that he's giving his patients the best care. So I assumed he was talking about us. We make him nervous, lol. That's why he's being so cautious.

So I go to the Peri tomorrow and he wanted me to explain the situation and that he's seeing me 2 times a week and to request the steroid shots. I guess they have to give them to me, I'm not sure. They will then determine when the best time to give the shots will be, but obviously the sooner the better. It's funny though. I spent so much time researching extreme prematurity that I don't have all the answers to Derick's questions about 'regular' preemie's.

I also spoke with one of my best friends that works in a hospital and also lost twin boys in December. She said that she really thinks they will admit me into the hospital for a while before they deliver. Like it will be a last resort to do the c-section. At least with the TAC in place it's not like I can really go into labor on my own and with the progesterone I'm not even having BH's. So she really has no way to go but to continue baking. Unless there is something wrong of course, then I'd rather a NICU stay.

We're also starting to get nervous about things. I feel like I should buy some preemie clothes and just keep the tags and the receipts so we aren't caught off guard. I don't want to bring this all up to my family because they have so much on their minds and I just don't want to add to the stress. My mom keeps saying that I'm asking for trouble whenever I mention her coming early anyway. She's got so much on her mind between worrying about us, taking my grandfather back and forth to his doctor's appointments, and helping my aunt come to terms with her cancer. Speaking of that, I'm really worried that my aunt isn't going to see Lily before she dies. Then I think I'm selfish because she won't even come close to meeting her own grandchildren. But maybe Lily needs to come early so that my aunt can die in peace. I know that it's something that's on her mind because she always asks my mom....so I don't know...maybe I'm just being me.

Anyway, that's what's going on with us. I'll update when I know more tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get the shots within the next 2 weeks or so because I think it'll make a huge difference. I keep teasing Derick that she'll be born around his birthday (August 19). He told me today that he's ok with sharing his birthday now, lol.

Not complaining

I hope in my last post that I didn't sound like I was complaining. I'm not. I'm grateful for everything that life has brought and taken from us. We've been through hell...but without those times we wouldn't have the good times. Without the horrible things that have happened we wouldn't be able to appreciate the little things that we love.

I had once hoped that someday I would be able to complain about trivial things. Finally, I think I'm able to. At least for the time being, I guess. I have horrible heartburn and sciatica that makes it difficult for me to walk at times. However, the physical pain that we go through is not even close to the emotional pain we've been through. I would take it any day...bring it on!

My mom asked me yesterday why I never complain. She asked if I'm ever scared. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless for the first time in a long time. She said that my dad was wondering, and then she asked if I ever cried...because she hasn't seen me cry. Of course I'm scared, and of course I cry but just like any other mother, I would do anything to protect my children. In the large scope of things, the TAC was nothing. I would do it every week for the rest of my life if it meant saving the life of my daughter. I'm fortunate, I suppose, in that I know I've done everything that I can. If something else happens, it's officially out of my control. There is absolutely nothing more that I can do. I don't complain because I'm truly fortunate to be where I am. To get this far is more than a dream come true.

So maybe my mom thought that I was just being strong. If only she knew that I'm not that strong of a person. I cry like other people cry. It's just silent tears. For if people knew exactly what made me cry they would probably say that I'm weak or strange or God knows what else. Even Derick doesn't know all the time. Maybe even he'd think that there was something wrong with the feelings that I feel. Maybe there IS something wrong with the feelings that I feel...but they are me and I'm sure they are you. You all cry about the same things as I do...the same thoughts and regrets and love and hurt and pain that I feel. Grief is not discriminating.