I hope in my last post that I didn't sound like I was complaining. I'm not. I'm grateful for everything that life has brought and taken from us. We've been through hell...but without those times we wouldn't have the good times. Without the horrible things that have happened we wouldn't be able to appreciate the little things that we love.
I had once hoped that someday I would be able to complain about trivial things. Finally, I think I'm able to. At least for the time being, I guess. I have horrible heartburn and sciatica that makes it difficult for me to walk at times. However, the physical pain that we go through is not even close to the emotional pain we've been through. I would take it any day...bring it on!
My mom asked me yesterday why I never complain. She asked if I'm ever scared. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless for the first time in a long time. She said that my dad was wondering, and then she asked if I ever cried...because she hasn't seen me cry. Of course I'm scared, and of course I cry but just like any other mother, I would do anything to protect my children. In the large scope of things, the TAC was nothing. I would do it every week for the rest of my life if it meant saving the life of my daughter. I'm fortunate, I suppose, in that I know I've done everything that I can. If something else happens, it's officially out of my control. There is absolutely nothing more that I can do. I don't complain because I'm truly fortunate to be where I am. To get this far is more than a dream come true.
So maybe my mom thought that I was just being strong. If only she knew that I'm not that strong of a person. I cry like other people cry. It's just silent tears. For if people knew exactly what made me cry they would probably say that I'm weak or strange or God knows what else. Even Derick doesn't know all the time. Maybe even he'd think that there was something wrong with the feelings that I feel. Maybe there IS something wrong with the feelings that I feel...but they are me and I'm sure they are you. You all cry about the same things as I do...the same thoughts and regrets and love and hurt and pain that I feel. Grief is not discriminating.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Not complaining
Posted by Becky at 7:13 PM
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3 comments:
I think we are a bit afraid to show the full scope of our grief because it's scary. And if it's scary to us, then it's got to be terrifying to our family and friends. For me, I need to protect them - it's the mothering part of me coming out. Please share your grief with us...it needs to come out somewhere. You can even email me anytime. I know that you aren't complaining...I know that you are grateful...but you are still allowed to grieve.
"Grief is not discriminating." So very true.
And I think mrs. muelly is right when she said that she monitors what comes out. And like our blogs, we censor what we feel so we don't scare off out readers or in your case your family. If our loved ones really knew what we felt all the time and really saw how scared we were, and saw all the tears that fell, they would think we were nut cases.
You are incredibly strong and I think you are wonderful. You boys and soon your little girl are so luck to have you as their mother.
There are days I wish it did discriminate! I wish it would leave me alone! I wish it would leave all of us the way we used to be!
I know you must be having a hard go of it right now. Just know that we are all here for you! Let it all out...it's not complaining if we don't think that it is! Which we won't think that you are complaining, we know how grateful you are and what you've been through! So, whine, cry, moan and bitch...we'll still all be here!
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