So we talked...

I went to the doctor a few days ago and he wants me to have a HSG done. It's a procedure in which they insert dye into the uterus and take x-rays to make sure that everything is shaped correctly. I'm nervous about it. But I don't know why. I certainly don't have any reason to be. He also said that there is an increase in fertility in the 3 months following the procedure.

That's where the decision comes in. When do we get this done? September? October? November? I don't want to wait that long. Derick said that he doesn't want to try again until November. But me, I wanted to be pregnant 2 hours ago. So we talked, and worked it out. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and set it up for September. We will avoid in September, and start trying in October. I still wanted to be pregnant again before Dylan's due date, but this will do. It's a compromise both of us are content with. It's only another month away, really. And September will go fast.

Now I just have to find a job. I'm looking but it seems so hard. I used to find jobs so quickly. I guess I just don't have my heart in it. I know I have to work, but it's becoming a chore to find something that I'm happy with. Hopefully something will turn up though.

Hello in Heaven!

My sweet beautiful baby,

How was your day today? I hope it was good. Mommy had an ok day today. Yesterday I had a hard day, and it sort of made for a harder day today. I went to Targe, to look for a nice picture frame for your picture. Daddy say's that the one that I have is just fine, but I want a special one just for you! I had a hard time. I was sad that I wasn't buying your stroller or your crib or even a bib for you to drool on! God, how I wish you were drooling! I can just imagine what it would be like. Then, I went to pick up Daddy from work. He showed everyone your scrapbook and they fell in love with you all over again! They saw just how special you are. Grandma Missy was so proud that everyone was reading about you. She misses you so much, sweetie. Grandma Sutton does to. She thinks about you everyday. We all do. But I know that you are having fun. You're probably running in circles around your great-grandmother, right? Don't listen to what Aunt Angela and Uncle Jim have to say! They teased Mommy too! And I don't want you to be sad when I'm sad, like I say, I'm sad because I love you so much.

It was a beautiful, bright sunny day today! Daddy's birthday is on Saturday. I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I'm going to make it a special day for him, because he's a special Daddy! He's so proud of you, Dyl. We both are. We could have never asked for a better angel to take care of our little family.

We are coming to visit tomorrow, to bring you some new flowers. Did the bunnies eat the flowers that we had there? I think they did! You tell those bunnies that your Mommy and Daddy brought them for you and to go eat somebody else's! Unless they are hungry, then you can share!

Well sweetie, I love you so very much. I hope you have had a wonderful day today.
Love always and forever,
Mommy

P.S. here is a poem, because I love you

My Little White Rose.

The one thing a mother should be able to do,
Is to protect her child, like I tried to protect you.
You were born too soon to survive on Earth,
But I’ll never forget the day of your birth.

Such anger I felt, as never before,
Yet happiness too, at the beauty I saw.
Tears of sadness, tears of pain,
Emotions that I never want to feel again.

You’ve shown me a love that I never knew
Could exist in my life, so pure and so true.
It’s unconditional; it’s special and right,
And gives me the strength to carry on with the fight.

I would give anything to have you here,
But you still ease my pain and you still ease my fear.
You shouldn’t have to leave before your mother goes,
Like you had to leave, my little White Rose.

Not ready?

Derick broke my heart today. He told me he thinks we should wait to try for another baby in a few months. I'm devastated. I thought we were on the same page with things. But I guess we aren't.

If I pressure him into having another baby, will he resent me? Or worse, the baby? It's so hard knowing that there are millions of reasons why we shouldn't have another baby. My head and my heart are at odds, once again. I suppose it's the new me. The new and improved, confused, sad, envious, and hopefull Becky. Wonderful. Sounds like a person you want to be with, right?

The problem is that a new baby is all I have to keep me going. When my day gets rough, or I feel like life in general is getting harder, another baby is what keeps me on track. It's the only dream I have, and I feel like Derick took that away from me. Not permanently, but for the moment anyway. It's hard to imagine that someday we will be parents again. That we will hold our sweet baby and look into it's eyes. That we will see it smile and laugh and coo and do everything that babies do. But it will be ours. They will be our memories and our moments frozen in time until their wedding day when we take all these precious memories out from our vaults and impose them onto our 'future' family. Embarassing, of course, but something to look forward to (for us anyway!).

I know that in my head what Derick is saying makes sense. But I can't ignore that feeling in my heart. I want to take baby home to MY house as well. I want have money saved, too. But what about my heart...?

I'm afraid, really. I am. I'm terribly afraid of things blowing up in my face again. Making mistakes is something that I've become famous for. And impulsive thinking is what has gotten me in those situations. How do I know if I'm not making a mistake? How do I know that things are going the way they are supposed to go? How do I get over these fears?

But...what about my heart...?

It's been a tough year

Well it's been a tough year for us all. We learned many lessons on life, love, and what it means to be a family.

I struggle with missing baby Dylan every moment of every day. I struggle through seeing happy families with beautiful babies that are made everyday. I struggle through seeing pregnant woman glow completely engrossed in the lives they have waiting for them. Will that ever be us? Will we ever be truly, completely, utterly happy? Will we ever have complete bliss? I struggle with the fact that every single second a baby is born to a woman who doesn't have the means to take care of it. They say life isn't fair, but that doesn't remedy the pain.

I should have started this sooner, and journaled my thoughts about my son. He was born on May 8th, born sleeping. At nearly 5 months gestation, or 17 weeks. He is beautiful. He looked just like his Daddy. He weighed 3.6 oz and was 7 inches long. But here we are now, about to embark on trying to become parents for the second time, but hopefully we will end the journey with happy and healthy baby that loves to cry!

Over the course of the 3 months since Dylan was born, I have had many dreams and fantasy's about him. What would his smile look like? Would he be tall like his dad? Would he love his mother? Would he dance with me at his wedding? Would he be a good husband, like his father? Would he be a crazy teenager or would he be level headed like his mother? Would I be his world, like he is mine? I dreamt that he was happy. Laying in a bassinette all in white. He had Derick's eyes and face structure, my nose, and my brother's sweet smile. The smile that shows mischief at times, and at other times pure affection and love for the people in his life. Most of the time, it was the latter! Dylan had Derick's body type...broad shoulders and long legs. And we will all be happy to know, he did NOT have my feet! I believe that was God's waying of letting me know that he is ok. He is waiting for us to get there to hold him tight, but he is just fine. Laughing and smiling and doing all the things that I will miss.

You know, some people, they worry about their kids getting into trouble or they worry that they will miss out on things in their child's life. The big things. But parents like us, we will never see those things. And yet we worry just the same. Are they getting into trouble in heaven? Are they being nice to the other kids? Will they be waiting for me when I get there? Are they scared? Sounds crazy, and it might be. Yet it's a constant worry that I'm not sure will ever go away.

But we keep on living. And we move on. The world keeps going, and this is just a blip on the screen of our lives. It's an important one, a life changing one. But a blip no less. It more or less transforms the rest of our lives into the way it should have been in the first place. And in the face of immense pain, we re-emerge a better, more caring, more appreciative, stronger loving, closer family because of it.