It's been a tough year

Well it's been a tough year for us all. We learned many lessons on life, love, and what it means to be a family.

I struggle with missing baby Dylan every moment of every day. I struggle through seeing happy families with beautiful babies that are made everyday. I struggle through seeing pregnant woman glow completely engrossed in the lives they have waiting for them. Will that ever be us? Will we ever be truly, completely, utterly happy? Will we ever have complete bliss? I struggle with the fact that every single second a baby is born to a woman who doesn't have the means to take care of it. They say life isn't fair, but that doesn't remedy the pain.

I should have started this sooner, and journaled my thoughts about my son. He was born on May 8th, born sleeping. At nearly 5 months gestation, or 17 weeks. He is beautiful. He looked just like his Daddy. He weighed 3.6 oz and was 7 inches long. But here we are now, about to embark on trying to become parents for the second time, but hopefully we will end the journey with happy and healthy baby that loves to cry!

Over the course of the 3 months since Dylan was born, I have had many dreams and fantasy's about him. What would his smile look like? Would he be tall like his dad? Would he love his mother? Would he dance with me at his wedding? Would he be a good husband, like his father? Would he be a crazy teenager or would he be level headed like his mother? Would I be his world, like he is mine? I dreamt that he was happy. Laying in a bassinette all in white. He had Derick's eyes and face structure, my nose, and my brother's sweet smile. The smile that shows mischief at times, and at other times pure affection and love for the people in his life. Most of the time, it was the latter! Dylan had Derick's body type...broad shoulders and long legs. And we will all be happy to know, he did NOT have my feet! I believe that was God's waying of letting me know that he is ok. He is waiting for us to get there to hold him tight, but he is just fine. Laughing and smiling and doing all the things that I will miss.

You know, some people, they worry about their kids getting into trouble or they worry that they will miss out on things in their child's life. The big things. But parents like us, we will never see those things. And yet we worry just the same. Are they getting into trouble in heaven? Are they being nice to the other kids? Will they be waiting for me when I get there? Are they scared? Sounds crazy, and it might be. Yet it's a constant worry that I'm not sure will ever go away.

But we keep on living. And we move on. The world keeps going, and this is just a blip on the screen of our lives. It's an important one, a life changing one. But a blip no less. It more or less transforms the rest of our lives into the way it should have been in the first place. And in the face of immense pain, we re-emerge a better, more caring, more appreciative, stronger loving, closer family because of it.