Not ready?

Derick broke my heart today. He told me he thinks we should wait to try for another baby in a few months. I'm devastated. I thought we were on the same page with things. But I guess we aren't.

If I pressure him into having another baby, will he resent me? Or worse, the baby? It's so hard knowing that there are millions of reasons why we shouldn't have another baby. My head and my heart are at odds, once again. I suppose it's the new me. The new and improved, confused, sad, envious, and hopefull Becky. Wonderful. Sounds like a person you want to be with, right?

The problem is that a new baby is all I have to keep me going. When my day gets rough, or I feel like life in general is getting harder, another baby is what keeps me on track. It's the only dream I have, and I feel like Derick took that away from me. Not permanently, but for the moment anyway. It's hard to imagine that someday we will be parents again. That we will hold our sweet baby and look into it's eyes. That we will see it smile and laugh and coo and do everything that babies do. But it will be ours. They will be our memories and our moments frozen in time until their wedding day when we take all these precious memories out from our vaults and impose them onto our 'future' family. Embarassing, of course, but something to look forward to (for us anyway!).

I know that in my head what Derick is saying makes sense. But I can't ignore that feeling in my heart. I want to take baby home to MY house as well. I want have money saved, too. But what about my heart...?

I'm afraid, really. I am. I'm terribly afraid of things blowing up in my face again. Making mistakes is something that I've become famous for. And impulsive thinking is what has gotten me in those situations. How do I know if I'm not making a mistake? How do I know that things are going the way they are supposed to go? How do I get over these fears?

But...what about my heart...?