Friday, September 15, 2006


I'm just disgusted. I can't stop thinking about the things that were stolen from Dylan's grave. I'm starting to loose sleep over it. Not because I expect it back, or because of the money spent, but because of the meaning of the things that were there.

I can't give my son a gift and watch him smile as he opens it. I can't see the glee or hear the giggle when he touches the wrapping paper. I can't even hear him complain and throw the clothes aside! I would die just to see him smile or hear him coo. So, the gifts that I can give him were taken away. They were stolen. Would someone steal a gift to a living child? No. So why would they steal one from a child's grave? What is wrong with humanity today that someone would need those things so badly that they couldn't find the money to buy them. Why would someone need a $.59 American flag, a $1.49 Love stake, and a $19.99 planter. I would have gladly given one to anyone who would have asked...but to take...from a child? Those belonged to him. They were my babies, put there with love and affection.

I guess I'm just having a hard time. I feel like everything was taken from us. That was just the straw that broke the camels back. History has taught me not to trust things, not to believe in things, or even have hope. And it's sad. I used to be so positive, what happened? I can't even get excited for things, because I just expect them to blow up in my face. I'm so emotional lately, and just sad in general. It's getting so close to October, and sometimes I'm afraid that I just won't make it. I think that sooner or later I'm just going to give up the fight. I'm tired. Tired of trying to find the best of situations, tired of fighting for what's mine, tired of finding the good in people...and tired of letting myself get run over because in turn, I passed that onto my son...even in death. The poor little one can't even sleep peaceful without someone taking advantage of him. What have I done? Why can't I just quit trying to make everyone happy, and worry about what is best for my family?

I'm so sad. October is coming so fast and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Happy 4 month Birthday!

My Sweet Baby,

I can't believe it's been 4 months without you! It seems to have gone so fast, and so slow at the same time. I miss you so much, and everyday I love you more and more. I would do anything to have you here with me...anything. But God needed you more. And I accept that. It's just that I needed you too. Thank you for watching over Daddy and I, Uncle Chris in Iraq, and the rest of our family and friends. I know it's a big job, but you are doing it so well.

I got a job today! It's the one that I was hoping for. I'm so excited. I'm glad that we can get our lives back in order. Starting with getting our car back here! Then, eventually, we will find our own home and a special place for you in it where we can hang your pictures and your sweet little footprints wherever my heart desires. It's going to be wonderful Dylan. You will see. It's going to be perfect, our little family. I can feel it in my heart. We are going to be ok, the three of us. And when God blesses us with another miracle, we will be just as happy. Our lives can only improve from here.

Even though we miss you, day after day after day, we know that you are happy and healthy. And that's all that matters to us. You are where you need to be. Someday I will be able to hold you for eternity and I am lucky that you will never get to big to hold so I can hold you forever. You will always be my baby boy!

I love you so much sweetie! Be good to the other kids!
Love you always,

Friday, September 01, 2006

Our new life

Hi Sweetie Pie!

How was your day today? I bet the weather up there in Heaven is perfect, because it was pretty close to perfect here! Lilo and I went for a long walk and I know that she would have loved if you could be there with us. I taught her to sit at each corner before we crossed the street. Other dogs were jealous of us!

I've had a good day today. I woke up kind of sad and feeling sorry for myself. It was hard to get out of bed today, and even harder to not go back to bed. I had an interview yesterday for a job that I really wanted and I hadn't heard anything back. But she called, around 3 when I was out with Grandma. And I got the job! I'm so excited! This means that we will be able to start our new life. We will be able to get our own house, get our car back, and maybe get you a little brother or sister! Daddy won't feel as much stress now that I have a job and he can consentrate on his classes so he can do what he loves. And Lilo, well she will just have to adjust to me not being home all day! I think she can manage, but keep her company. When you are there, it keeps her busy for hours!

Our new life is going to be perfect. I promise. You will always be a part of it. Your brother's and sister's will always know you, and they will know that you are always with them. We have the most special family. God only picks certain people to give birth to an Angel. And God knows that we can do it because we love you so much. We love you so much that we will sacrafice our baby to be an Angel in Heaven. God always needs more angels!

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born
that something stopped my heart.
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold,
it doesn't mean I am gone.
The world was worthy, Not of me
God Chose that I move on
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face.
You'll have my word I'll fill your arms,
someday we will embrace.
You'll hear "It wasn't meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes."
But that won't soften your worst blow,
or make your heart not ache.
I am watching over all you do,
another child you will bear.
Believe me when I say to you
that I am always there!
There will come a time I promise you,
when you will hold my hand.
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
and then you'll understand.
Although I never breathed your air
or gazed into your eyes,
That does not mean I never was
An angel never dies!

So Dyls, things are starting to look up. I think.
I'm thinking of starting an organization called Hearts Full of Hope that makes hearts, stuffed with fuzz, and embroidered with the word Hope for women who have lost their babies, had a miscarriage, or struggle with health and infertility. I would donate some to the hospital where you were born, and send them to women who need a little hope. I have recieved so much from so many women, that it's imperative that I give some back. They will also have felt hearts for love, yellow for happyness, green for success, purple for fertility, blue for health, and white for their angel. I think people would like them. But I might need some help getting them out. I have to work on that...maybe Aunt Sondra would be willing to help. It will all be in memory of you. Everything I do is for you, and this will be my way of sharing your love and your life. Daddy could make us a website where people can order them for a small donation and all of the money recieved will go to the March of Dimes or another organization to help babies to small like you. I could also sell them for a donation at different places. Sort of like the Girl Scouts in Walmart! They will have a ribbon hook so that people could use them as an ornament, a decoration, or hang them in the bedroom of their very own miracle baby to always remind them to have hope. It's easy to loose, and very hard to get back.
It's been a long road getting here. But I'm glad to finally be here!
I love you so very much sweetie pie! I miss you every day. I don't think we will be able to get to see you this weekend because there is a bad storm coming by. But we will for your 4 month birthday next week.
Love always,