Shitty day, shitty week

I know this week is always hard for me...under normal circumstances. I should have been more prepared. On the 18th it is the 12 year anniversary of the death of my beloved grandmother. St. Patricks day was her absolute favorite holiday and I can't even decorate for it anymore let alone celebrate it. Not since she died, at least. So I dread the holiday coming up too.

I found out today that Lex is having a boy. A boy. Why couldn't she have a girl? Why a boy? Doesn't God know how much that hurts me? Doesn't he know that I've been crying all day because of it? Mom said that she went to see a Peri yesterday about her cervix. Her OB is concerned. Great. Now I'm terrified on top of being so hurt. I know that she's past the point of a preventative cerclage. Rescue cerclages don't work that often. And she's possibly facing a long time of bedrest. I asked my aunt her cervix meassurement...she said she didn't know but she wasn't concerned. Not concerned? How could you say that after what I have been through...with the same problem?!'

Aunt Mil called and had enough nerve to tell mom that she was concerned about me grieving unhealthily. I should be over things by now.

Things like these are what keep me isolated from my family. I feel so lonely around them these days. No one seems to understand. And how could they? It's impossible for them to get it. Their children are alive.

So many things have happened in the past 2 years that my life isn't even close to what it was when I left for Florida.
Here's the rundown...

June 2005- I hurt my ankle, out of work until September
July 2005- bills getting tight
August 2005- ask for loan from grandparents
October 2005- we get married
November 2005- put house on the market
January 2006- house sells; we move...make almost $10k less than we expected
brother deploys to Quatar
early miscarriage
Febuary 2006- pregnant with Dylan
March 2006- hear Dylan's heartbeat
April 2006- move back to PA
May 2006- loose Dylan
June 2006- Derick's car gets reposessed because of funeral costs
July 2006- diagnosed with depression
September 2006- find great job
brother deployed to Iraq
October 2006- pregnant with Riley
loose job because of being pregnant
December 2006- cerclage placed
cervix opens
loose Riley

Thats a lot of bad things and not nearly enough good things. Most we couldn't have controlled, although some we could have made better choices. I'll admit that. But now things are looking up at least financially. I brought this up because Derick and I were trying to remember what the happiest part of our married life was so far. Deffinately being pregnant, but it is sort of bittersweet I guess...it started so blissful and ended so tragically.

The baby department...thats another story. But we'll get there, I guess. Not without lots of tears though.