What I want to say

I've been having a string of particularly bad days. Mom said that she talked to Lex last night for her birthday. She's 14w pregnant. She asked how I was doing. Mom told her I was ok. Ok? Why do I always say I'm 'ok' when people ask? I'm NOT ok! What I wanted Mom to tell her was that when her baby's heart started beating, my baby's stopped. When she went to her first prenatal visit, I went to the visit to hear that I might not ever have kids. While she's happy and blissful, I'm so, so sad.

On tv last night I heard a man say that "Every parent knows what it's like to put a baby to sleep..." No, every parent doesn't know. Please explain. Help me to understand why it's so hard to hear your child cry. Please explain to me how frustrating it can be to not be able to get them to sleep for a few hours. Please explain, I really want to know. Please explain these things to a parent who will go an eternity without hearing their child cry, without being able to put their child to sleep, and to a parent who has go through life not being able to wake up with their child in the next room. Please explain, because not 'Every Parent' knows.

Derick took me to Cabella's yesterday. He likes it there. It's like a man's toystore. I referenced it as the 'House of Furry Horror's.' He didn't explain to me that there were dead, stuffed animal carcasses hanging on the walls. There were rooms FILLED with dead stuffed furry animals. Even a chipmunk..how do you kill a chipmunk? Anyhow, he dragged me there under the pretense of the aquarium. He forgot to mention that they had dead animals. I'm by no means opposed to huntin, it's not for me but whatever...but what I have a problem with is people who hand dead animals on a wall. They kill them to hang...what's with that? They had a mechanical robot human thing there telling stories. I was suprised to see that it wasn't a 'real' taxidermied human being. It should have been because really, what's so wrong with a stuffed human in a room full of stuffed animals? I'm a proud catch and releaser....but anyway...that's not the point of this story. The point is that there were babies all over the place. Little boys with their dad's running around, and crying to their moms. I found myself looking into every stroller, or staring I guess, because I was wondering what Dylan and Riley would look like. I thought, "That baby has brown hair, what would Dylan and Riley's look like?" That baby is about 6 months old, is that what Dylan would be doing? It hurt to look, but it hurt even more not to.

We looked at apartments today. Our first joy in a long time. We decided on a place, although we have some work to do on our credit. But hopefully by June we should be alright. Fingers crossed of course!