What a weekend

What a shitty weekend. I wish that it was all over. I hate this. I hate life sometimes.

I wish that I had gone when Riley did.

Life is just so hard right now. Derick and I are fighting an uphill battle financially with no help or support from those around us. I just can't seem to find a job, despite all of the resumes I've sent out. And when I get an interview, either I blow it or it just doesn't happen. I don't know why. Have I changed that much in the past 10 months that makes me unhireable? What is wrong with me? I just don't get it. It's never taken me longer than a week to find a job, and here I am going on almost 2 months of DESPERATE searching.

Maybe I'm not as qualified as I think. Maybe they don't think that I can do the job. Maybe I don't possess something that they are after. Maybe I'm just not good enough.

It's not the bad luck that we had had before, but it's just a different type of sad. Before we didn't get any breaks. At least we get one here and there now. Our families are getting frustrated with us. We owe everyone money. I didn't expect to not work like this. I didn't expect to be not working this long. Because of me, our credit is shot and we are at the lowest point of our lives. Because of Dylan, I couldn't work. Because of Riley, I lost my job. It's not fair to blame them, and I'm not. But I can't help but wonder how things would have been different. How they would have played out. If we didn't have Dylan, we would still be in Florida in our house...the house that we owned together. We would still have our same jobs, the ones that we loved. We would be happy and independant. If we hadn't had Riley, I would still had my job. We would be almost out of our financial slump, and deffinately on our own by now. Instead, here we are. No babies. No family. No money. No job. No independance. Nothing. But we have each other. Sometimes though, that isn't enough. And that scares me. If we keep going on the track that we are, we aren't going to have anything...not even each other. If we continue on the track that we are, we might not even have ourselves.

I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of living this way. And it's going to take a long time to get out of this hole. We have doctors bills piled on top of doctors bills, a car payment, credit card bills (only like $500 but still), and we owe my parents, his parents, and my grandparents money. How on Earth are we going to get out? Seriously looking for suggetions...got any?