Fear

What am I so afraid of?

Some people are afraid of death, some people are afraid of life, some people are afraid of loosing everything or everyone that they have....and some people are just afraid. Maybe that's the catagory that I fall into.

I'm afraid that something will happen to this baby. I have no reason to think this. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping or anything out of the usual, but I'm just afraid that something will happen and I won't know it.

We have our first appointment tomorrow afternoon. She's going to go over everything, and then have the ultrasound. I wish they could do it the other way around. Do the ultrasound first because what if there is nothing else to go over? My mom is going with me. I want to be so happy for this baby, because really, everyone else in my life is. They 'feel' that this is the one. They know that things will work out because people don't loose 3 babies.

A very good friend said to me yesterday, "I'm so excited for this baby." I told her that I understood. And she said, "No, I mean really excited. Like can't sit still, starting to plan the shower excited." She was there for me when I lost the boys. Her mother is my mother's best friend, and we've been close since we were 10. She cried with us and for us, and her and her mother would call and say, "Be ready at 2, we're picking you up." She didn't give me the option to bow out, because if she did I would have gladly stayed in my bed. But there was no choice. And if I didn't answer the door, they would come in and get me. If I wasn't ready, they'd wait for me. And it was her mother that rescued me from the cemetary when I was to weak to drive myself home. Sitting on the bench, she held me while I cried. She answered me when I asked what I had done so terrible in my life to deserve such pain. She listened to me when I was desperate, and comforted me when I had a breakdown that day...alone...in the cemetary. They were there with me every step of the way. And for my family...my mother...

So knowing that they are behind us, is a great feeling. Everyone is I suppose. They are so hopeful, so why am I so afraid of being hopeful for myself?

Because the rug was pulled out from under me once...and twice...I'm afraid for the third time. I bought some new maternity clothes. That's a step in the right direction, maybe. And I even bought some long sleeve Carter t-shirts for baby...they were $3.30 for 2 in a package. I bought a few...pink, blue, green, and yellow. They were so cute, and so perfect. I bought them in a 9 month size. Perfect for this time next year, if we get there.

As I drifted of to sleep last night, I whispered to the baby "I will not let you down..."