I wonder

I looked out the window tonight and to my suprise there were big flakes falling. I ran and put my shoes on, got Lilo's ball, and headed on outside. It was our first snowfall since coming back home.

I stood out in the snow, looking up at the dark sky. I wondered what Dylan would do. Would he laugh and giggle? Would he smile or cry? How would he look in his tiny snowsuit? Would it be blue with dinosours? It was so peaceful. Not a noise to be heard except for the snow crunching under my feet. It was cold, but I wanted to stand out there forever watching the flakes fall on my coat, in my hair, on my face. I wanted to feel to air, to breathe it in deep, and to wonder. I wonder what snow looks like from heaven. I wonder if he was watching me think about him. I wonder if he protects his brother and keeps him safe and warm.

The snow fell in perfect, big snowlfakes. It was snow meant to be watched and snow that called to you to stick your tongue out and catch.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with them. Just for a moment. A friend from I Village says that her son asks if there is an elevator to heaven to see his brother. I wish there was. I'm just as confused about it as he is I think. But he's 3, and I'm a few more than 3!

I just wonder what things would be like if we had Dylan here or Riley was still in my belly. I can only imagine how great of a big brother Dylan is. And I can only dream of the happiness that my Mimi shares with them in heaven.

So this is love...

I often say that what I learned from Dylan was how to love. I had no idea what that meant, until the moment that those two little lines showed up. From that moment on, which happens to be coming up on it's year anniversary, I knew that I was in love with that mysterious little one growing inside me. The one who kept me up all hours of the night trying to get comfortable, the one that made me so sick that I couldn't go to work, the one that made my back ache horribly, the one that gave me that far off dreamy look...the one who made my heart melt when I thought of him...the one who made my life complete just for 17 short weeks...the one who brought his father and I closer. Can you imagine that a little person who only weighed 3.6oz could do such big things? It was he who paved the way for his brother into his parents hearts. It was he who helped us understand that we were ready and we would be able to love again.

From little Riley, I learned how to apply that love to help others. He showed me how big the world is and how scary it is at times. He showed me how to not let other's take advantage of me, to put my family first, and how to make a difference in this big world. He showed me how to have courage and be brave. Ironically that's what his name means. How could a little, tiny boy carry me so strongly on his shoulders like that?

So this, my friends, is love. Everything about me, comes from love...comes from my boys. They are a part of my deepest core. They are a part of my soul. They were created from love, died in love, and knew only love. But why, then, is it so hard to remember them with joy? How can I learn to live without them...adjust to life with these holes in my heart...? How can I move on?

Perhaps, I guess, only time will tell.

Poor Becky, Can't Even Carry a Baby

It's 5:25am and I'm wide awake thinking about irrelevent things and dreaming irrelevent thoughts. I got my period today and I'm angry with my body. I'm angry that it can move on so quickly when my heart is so broken. I wish, for once, it would stay broken for a little while. Just long enough for my heart to catch up a little. Today (or well yesterday I guess, the 26th) was Riley's first month angelversary. I looked at my watch at precisely 8:42pm and said a silent prayer. I remembered a month ago, laying in the hospital bed stunned with each contraction. How could this have happened to me again? I couldn't even imagine that life could be so cruel. I'm sad that my boobs are starting to get really saggy. I want them to be firm and full again, like they were when I was pregnant. It's a cruel irony, really. They start to prepare for motherhood, making milk to sustain your child. But when you loose your child, the milk still comes. I had forgotten the hours after Dylan was born. I was in such emotional distress that I didn't realize that my breasts had started to become engorged. Until Riley came along. And my breasts became engorged, they ached, they were hard and sensitive. It was to soon for milk to be realeased, so I dealt with it the only way I knew how. A sports bra. I can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if my milk had come in completely. It's cruel that my body went from being happy and pregnant to have my baby ripped from my soul in the course of a few hours.

Now I look back and I wonder if people thought, "Poor girl, she can't even carry a baby." I wonder if it's written across my forehead like bad tatoo. I wonder if our family thinks, "Oh poor Becky. She can't carry a baby." I wonder if that's who I'll be for the rest of my life. They'll say, "You know Becky. The one who can't carry a baby." When I asked Derick about it tonight, he seemed shocked that the thought would enter my mind. Of course it would. That's what I do. I drive myself crazy trying to rationalize things. I stay up most of the night trying to work it out in my head, but I can't. It's to much for one person to try to rationalize. Why? Why? Why? Why am I going through all this pain? I don't want my grief to define me, but I don't know how else to be.

I don't want a job, I want to be a mother!

I've spent my evening searching for a job. I don't even know what I want to do, but I know that I need to do it. I'm terribly scared, although I don't know why. I've never felt like this before. I've done lots of scary stuff in my life...moved to Florida and left Derick home without knowing a soul...came back home, found a good job and made my life...moved back to Florida, this time with Derick in tow again without knowing a sould and managed to find a great job, buy a house, a start our future. We got married, did it all ourselves...then we lost everything. We sold our home, moved back here to have our family...and we lost it all. Our friends, our jobs...our life. And I'm terrified of that happening again. I feel like everwhere I go people can see on my face that I'm the mother of dead babies. They know that my body kills them. They know that I can't do something that for thousands of years women have done. And that makes me inferior in some way. That makes me not as good as them. Because how am I going to work somewhere, if I can't even do something that my body is made to do?

I'm just so sad. Today is the day that we were supposed to go to Riley's big ultrasound. The one where they take all the measurements and they check for the sex. I cried myself to sleep last night and finally fell asleep around 6am. Poor Derick was so worried about me. When he got up for work, I was laying in bed sobbing. I'm just having such a hard time lately. Nothing seems to be helping much. I don't know how to get out of this funk. I'm stuck in a neverending circle of grief.

Kelsey called the other day and was so sweet. She asked me all about Riley...what he looked like, who he looked like, how much he weighed and how big he was, how the labor went...it was so nice coming from someone who has no children of her own or even close to that. It was nice to have someone acknowledge that he is my son.

I'm so sick of pregnant people. I don't even want to hear about it. I am just so sad. There isn't much time left until Dylan's first birthday comes around. I had anticipated being huge by then, happy and sad at the same time. But I won't be. Of course. I'm not lucky enough for that. Things like that don't happen to people like me. This time last year I was 2 weeks pregnant and oblivious to what my life would turn out to be. Now all I am is a grief-stricken woman with two dead children. Maybe that's all I'll ever be.

Did you read that last paragraph? I need to stop being so hard on myself and cut myself some slack. I also have to stop selling myself short. I'll work on that too. I have my first counseling session on Monday. It'll be something that we'll work on together. Hopefully.

But I still wonder if this is going to be all that I am. Maybe this is as good as it's going to get and I just have to thank God for allowing me to be pregnant twice.

Riley's Memorial Service

Tomorrow is the day that I have been anxiously await and dreading for 3 weeks. Wow, I can't believe it's been three weeks.

Derick and I went to the cemetary today after the man put Riley's ashes in with Dylan...illegally, I might add. But he was nice enough to do that since he was the groundskeeper at the cemetary. They actually told us that we had to buy another plot which I thought was rediculous. So we had planned on putting the ashes there ourselves, but the man at the cemetary and the funeral home were nice enough to get us together. He is surely a blessing from God. Anyway, we went over to arrange things a little bit. We put the temporary grave marker next to Dylan's, the angel statue that a friend gave us, and we removed some things. Then we stood there, admiring our work, and sobbing. We held each other and sobbed, much like we did the day of Dylan's funeral. I thought burrying one child was awful. But I was wrong. Burrying two is much worse.

I miss them so much that it makes my heart ache. And knowing that the piece of my heart that they took with them won't be replaced until we meet again just makes it ache more. I wish that there was something I could do to bring them back, but there isn't. There never will. They will always be my special boys. The boys that no one else got to know except for their Mommy. It's like a secret between the three of us. Even Daddy's out of the loop!

I'm still just going through the motions of life. But my family, they just don't seem to understand. I wish that because our babies died people would cut us some slack. Like their lives should have ended on that day too. But they don't. And their life still goes on just like it did before. I'm just so heartbroken and most people can't understand. And they never will. Because it's our little secret..between the 4 of us...the grief that we feel and the heartache and the dispair. It's something that the 4 of us share that will never go away because it will travel with us for the rest of our lives. It will continue to cripple us with grief at times and make us laugh at other times. And it's something that we will carry on our own...all alone...

Rather sooner than later!!

I want to be pregnant now. I don't want to wait. I want to feel like moving inside me again. I long for that connection with another soul. I just want to be normal again.

But Derick says that we have to wait. I know that he's right. But I can't stop these feelings inside my body. The hormones and the instincs are going crazy, for the second time. I tell people that we are going to wait. But I honestly don't know if I can. I've started counting down like a crazy person. 11 more months to go. Seems like a lifetime. I keep telling myself that if I keep busy, time will fly. And if I can make it to Andrea's wedding, we are half way there. I'm looking forward to that. It's not everyday your best friend gets married : )

So if I can make it to June, we are half way there. Maybe I'll restart my countdown. 5 more months until we are halfway there!

My heart is just so broken. I don't know what to do or how to get rid of these feelings. Or maybe they won't ever go away. I knew before that 4 months was a long time while we waited to get pregnant with Riley. I just don't know how I'm going to make it a year. Maybe after we get things going with consults and insurance and stuff it will feel like I'm actually doing something. Maybe thats all I need.

Anger

This anger is consuming me. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm angry for every single thing you can imagine.

I'm angry that other's get to have lots of baby's, but I may only have one. I'm angry that it will take so long and so much grief to get that one, while other's take theirs for granted. I feel as though I would trade anything to have lost my boys to some freak accident if only to guarentee that it wouldn't happen again.

I had a postpartum visit with Dr. Kim today. He confirmed my worst fears. That he's isn't optomistic for another pregnancy. He strongly supported the abdominal cerclage. But it's so scary. I want someone to guarentee me that if we try again, our baby will be born crying. I just want some peace and comfort to come. I want to be able to move on and not let my losses become me. I want to become a part of my losses. I want my boys to be a part of my life, but I can't let them consume it. Dr. Kim also suggested a surrogate mother. It's great, I think. But we can't afford someone who we don't know. It would have to be a family member or friend, and that, unfortunately, isn't an option. I don't have anyone close to me that would be in any position to carry a baby. It's such a large commitment, and I don't know how I would deal with it. I just am so confused. After Dylan was born, I was so sad. Convinced that it couldn't happen again. How was I to know that now I would be in this position?

If I could go back, I'm not sure that I would have gotten pregnant with Riley knowing that my body would kill him too. I love him with all of my heart, and I always will. But it wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair that my body didn't even give him a chance.

I just don't know how to go on..see past this anger. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. No friends or family, other than Derick. No one calls or wants to listen. And even if they do call, I don't answer. I'm going back there again. And I'm scared. I don't know how to crawl back out.

Two weeks?

My dear Riley,

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've felt you move, seen your face, and touched your tiny fingers. I miss you more than words can say. My love for you will never waiver. I will never, not even for an instant, forget what you added to my life.

But I have to live without you. With my heart in such pain. I have to move on, day after day after day, knowing that you are happier with your brother. I couldn't imagine going through this pain again, but it helps me to know that you are playing so happily and loving every minute spent with your Mimi. I know that she will take such great care of you. I can only imagine how she is spoiling you!!! I'm almost jealous!

I know that it hurts you both to see Daddy and I so sad. We are trying. We really are.

On a happier note, Aunt Andrea gave me more details of her wedding. It's to be June 30th, and she needs all the help that she can get! I'm happy because it gives me so much to do. Especially at a time that I would be just counting down the days until you were supposed to be here. So it's something for me to do. And maybe, just maybe, you will have a cousin and a brother or a sister born next year. How lucky will you both be?

Well I must get going, but tell Dylan that I said hello and that Mommy loves him too. I tell ya, I must be the luckiest Mommy in the world because my boys will alway be my babies.

I love you so much Riley!!
Love always,
Mommy

My Dear Boys, I'm so sad

I wish you were here Dylan, cradled in my arms. And you Riley, I wish more than anything that you were still in my tummy squirming around like you did. I spent hours laying in bed so still just to feel you move. It was the most incredible feeling. It was hope and life and happyness at a time when all I felt was sad.

But I don't have that happyness anymore. I'm so scared. I want more than anything to have a healthy baby...a brother or a sister for the both of you. But I'm terrified that I won't be able to carry another child. I can't even admit it to Daddy because then he would think I was hopeless. I'm so scared of loosing another baby. So, so scared. My biggest fear is feeling this sadness again someday. How can I possibly move on from this? How can I live without my two special boys?

Oh God, I would die if it meant that my boys could be here. I would do anything to have one more chance to feel Riley move or to hold them both close to my heart. Oh God, how am I going to live without them? Oh God, please help me get through this. I don't know what to do or how to do it. There isn't anything in the books that tells you how to cope living without 2 babies.

I had such a hard time getting up today. I'm trying to be happy for you both. I don't want you to ever be scared because I'm so sad. But I just can't help it. I'm so sad because I love you both so much. I needed you in my life so much. I was so sure that this couldn't happen again. I was so sure that Dylan was to be our Guardian angel...not the both of you. Please, please come back to me!

Happy New Year

I'm a little late...but oh well...so goes life

I spent my New Year's crying. I felt as though I had left my boys back in 2006. Like I was abandoning them. I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted the world to stop on May 8th, the day God took my Dylan. And when it didn't, I fully expected it to stop on December 26th, the day God took my Riley. Why does it seem that when you want things to go quick, life becomes almost at a standstill. And when you don't want to move on, things fly by. I want to stay there, I want to be with them. But I can't, and I haven't accepted that yet. I wish that I had a time machine to go back and hold them one last time. See there sweet faces, and kiss their sweet lips.

It's been 8 days since Riley went to Heaven. If it weren't for the Zoloft, I don't know what would have happened to me. Or what will happen to me for that matter. I really should write them a letter! My cousin, Marcie, on my Dad's side just lost her little boy at 16 weeks 6 days. The same exact point that we lost Dylan for the same exact reason. She is understandable distraught. I wish that the pain could have ended with us. I wish that no one else would have to feel what we feel, think what we think, and live our lives without our babies. God I wish that. I'm so angry. I wake up in the middle of the night furious with life and God and the doctors and myself. Everyday I think, "My body killed my babies." And I can't get past that. Someone asked me today if I really believed it. And I do. I really, truly do. There isn't a part of me that thinks, "Oh that's crazy." Because after Dylan, there was a part of me that thought that. But not anymore. There is no doubt that my body killed my babies. Absolutely no doubt.

Derick said that life moved on as if I wasn't ever pregnant. It's like it was a dream. A small, but very signifigant dream to keep me from the reality of my life. I was so happy pregnant with both of my boys. I can't wait to try again, although this time around I'm not as obsessed. I understand the risks both physically and emotionally. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I would loose another baby. It's not fair to our next child and it's not fair to those who love us.

I told Derick last night that God has a miracle waiting for us. And if God blesses us with a she, he, or a them...it will be a miracle. God blesses us with children in different ways though. I've accepted that we may only be able to adopt a child. And that's fine. But I can't give up this one last hope to have a baby of our own. I want nothing more in my life than to carry Derick's baby and hold him or her proudly for the rest of their life. But it's ok to save another baby and still hold them proudly. God gives miracles, but it's just not on our time schedule.

Well that's it for this year. It's the plan to take lots of time and relax and enjoy this year. Last year was so dificult that it will take a while to heal. I need to have hope, because otherwise I have nothing. This surgery gives me hope, and I need to hold onto that for a while.