Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I don't want a job, I want to be a mother!

I've spent my evening searching for a job. I don't even know what I want to do, but I know that I need to do it. I'm terribly scared, although I don't know why. I've never felt like this before. I've done lots of scary stuff in my life...moved to Florida and left Derick home without knowing a soul...came back home, found a good job and made my life...moved back to Florida, this time with Derick in tow again without knowing a sould and managed to find a great job, buy a house, a start our future. We got married, did it all ourselves...then we lost everything. We sold our home, moved back here to have our family...and we lost it all. Our friends, our jobs...our life. And I'm terrified of that happening again. I feel like everwhere I go people can see on my face that I'm the mother of dead babies. They know that my body kills them. They know that I can't do something that for thousands of years women have done. And that makes me inferior in some way. That makes me not as good as them. Because how am I going to work somewhere, if I can't even do something that my body is made to do?

I'm just so sad. Today is the day that we were supposed to go to Riley's big ultrasound. The one where they take all the measurements and they check for the sex. I cried myself to sleep last night and finally fell asleep around 6am. Poor Derick was so worried about me. When he got up for work, I was laying in bed sobbing. I'm just having such a hard time lately. Nothing seems to be helping much. I don't know how to get out of this funk. I'm stuck in a neverending circle of grief.

Kelsey called the other day and was so sweet. She asked me all about Riley...what he looked like, who he looked like, how much he weighed and how big he was, how the labor went...it was so nice coming from someone who has no children of her own or even close to that. It was nice to have someone acknowledge that he is my son.

I'm so sick of pregnant people. I don't even want to hear about it. I am just so sad. There isn't much time left until Dylan's first birthday comes around. I had anticipated being huge by then, happy and sad at the same time. But I won't be. Of course. I'm not lucky enough for that. Things like that don't happen to people like me. This time last year I was 2 weeks pregnant and oblivious to what my life would turn out to be. Now all I am is a grief-stricken woman with two dead children. Maybe that's all I'll ever be.

Did you read that last paragraph? I need to stop being so hard on myself and cut myself some slack. I also have to stop selling myself short. I'll work on that too. I have my first counseling session on Monday. It'll be something that we'll work on together. Hopefully.

But I still wonder if this is going to be all that I am. Maybe this is as good as it's going to get and I just have to thank God for allowing me to be pregnant twice.

2 comments:

butterflyanla said...

I relate to the thousand years comment. I too think about all the women who were/are able to get pregnant through out history and wonder why I can't. I too can get extremely hard on myself. I think that we need to quit beating ourselves up everyday. I think that you have the right attitude when you begin to be thankful for the opportunities you were given. You were able to get pregnant twice. There are plenty of women who aren't given that opportunity. I am sure with this surgery you will be able to become a mother. One day we will both be mothers.

Connie said...

I've been pregnant 6 times and have two living children. 1 stillbirth, 1 2nd trimester miscarriage and 2 1st trimester miscarriages. So I am also a woman who can't seem to do things right once I'm pregnant. Can easily get that way, just can't follow through. Even though I'm a smart enough person to know that I've done nothing wrong, that other guy that sits on my shoulder whispers ugly things and makes me beat myself up.