Saturday, January 27, 2007

Poor Becky, Can't Even Carry a Baby

It's 5:25am and I'm wide awake thinking about irrelevent things and dreaming irrelevent thoughts. I got my period today and I'm angry with my body. I'm angry that it can move on so quickly when my heart is so broken. I wish, for once, it would stay broken for a little while. Just long enough for my heart to catch up a little. Today (or well yesterday I guess, the 26th) was Riley's first month angelversary. I looked at my watch at precisely 8:42pm and said a silent prayer. I remembered a month ago, laying in the hospital bed stunned with each contraction. How could this have happened to me again? I couldn't even imagine that life could be so cruel. I'm sad that my boobs are starting to get really saggy. I want them to be firm and full again, like they were when I was pregnant. It's a cruel irony, really. They start to prepare for motherhood, making milk to sustain your child. But when you loose your child, the milk still comes. I had forgotten the hours after Dylan was born. I was in such emotional distress that I didn't realize that my breasts had started to become engorged. Until Riley came along. And my breasts became engorged, they ached, they were hard and sensitive. It was to soon for milk to be realeased, so I dealt with it the only way I knew how. A sports bra. I can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if my milk had come in completely. It's cruel that my body went from being happy and pregnant to have my baby ripped from my soul in the course of a few hours.

Now I look back and I wonder if people thought, "Poor girl, she can't even carry a baby." I wonder if it's written across my forehead like bad tatoo. I wonder if our family thinks, "Oh poor Becky. She can't carry a baby." I wonder if that's who I'll be for the rest of my life. They'll say, "You know Becky. The one who can't carry a baby." When I asked Derick about it tonight, he seemed shocked that the thought would enter my mind. Of course it would. That's what I do. I drive myself crazy trying to rationalize things. I stay up most of the night trying to work it out in my head, but I can't. It's to much for one person to try to rationalize. Why? Why? Why? Why am I going through all this pain? I don't want my grief to define me, but I don't know how else to be.

4 comments:

Connie said...

Hi Becky, I remember after my Ian was born still (full term so everyone knew I was pg) that I was mortified that people would look at me and wonder what I did to kill my baby. I went around for weeks avoiding people's eyes.

Hugs....

Debbie said...

Oh Becky. (((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this again. I've suffered one loss, and I can't imagine going through it twice. Please don't beat yourself up. That's the same advice people have given me. I know it's hard and I know how bad it hurts. Thinking of you.

Leigh Morrison said...

Hi Becky my name is Leigh I was just thinking of my angel&since I've just had the net installed wondered if any sites like this existed,I found this place(which is amazing)as I get so lonely wondering why me but I know so many others have been through what I have my angel mark passed away at 30wks 3minutes before he was born not a day goes by that I don't think of him&how life would be so great if only,but if onlys don't stop our pain or bring back our angels,I just wanted to pass on my thoughts of you&your family I lost my boy in 2001 and every month I HATE myself for not being pregnant I wish my mum was still here just to talk&comfort me I feel like everyone I've ever loved have died on me parents aunts uncles I get so very lonely,it's so hard as you know,I was in maternity the same time as 1 of my neighbours I see her with her beautiful 5yr old&feel the woman looking at me with pity I also feel I can't even get pregnancy right I hear the whispers and feel the unwanted pity so sorry for your losses&also for going on&on I just haven't really spokeabout it to anyone who knows the pain too HUGE HUGS&SORRY ONCE AGAIN FOR BEING A PEST Lots of Love Leigh xXx

Anonymous said...

I Feel So bad For You, My Best Friend Is unable to carry Full term as well :(, And it makes me so sad because i can carry fine its just hard for me to get pregnant, My best Friend Gets pregnant if her husband looks at her, She's Had about 15 Pregnancies and only 3 babies, 3rd is Due ANY DAY NOW, I wish He Would Come So whe Wont Worry so much anymore, I cant See her go through Another heartbreak. We Where pregnant at the same time with my 1 yr old and she wouldnt even look at me or come around me. Ive never been in your shoe's nor hers but i hope the best for you, One day you will have your angel,

if You want a good Dr When you Do Get preggy again move to reno, nevada and look up DR LLOYD, he's Great and made sure my friend carried to term, her First FULL TERM BABY.