Friday, January 05, 2007

My Dear Boys, I'm so sad

I wish you were here Dylan, cradled in my arms. And you Riley, I wish more than anything that you were still in my tummy squirming around like you did. I spent hours laying in bed so still just to feel you move. It was the most incredible feeling. It was hope and life and happyness at a time when all I felt was sad.

But I don't have that happyness anymore. I'm so scared. I want more than anything to have a healthy baby...a brother or a sister for the both of you. But I'm terrified that I won't be able to carry another child. I can't even admit it to Daddy because then he would think I was hopeless. I'm so scared of loosing another baby. So, so scared. My biggest fear is feeling this sadness again someday. How can I possibly move on from this? How can I live without my two special boys?

Oh God, I would die if it meant that my boys could be here. I would do anything to have one more chance to feel Riley move or to hold them both close to my heart. Oh God, how am I going to live without them? Oh God, please help me get through this. I don't know what to do or how to do it. There isn't anything in the books that tells you how to cope living without 2 babies.

I had such a hard time getting up today. I'm trying to be happy for you both. I don't want you to ever be scared because I'm so sad. But I just can't help it. I'm so sad because I love you both so much. I needed you in my life so much. I was so sure that this couldn't happen again. I was so sure that Dylan was to be our Guardian angel...not the both of you. Please, please come back to me!