Thursday, March 22, 2007

Out of body experience?

I'm pretty sure I had an out of body experience last night.

I was laying in bed, almost alseep. I could feel myself moving. I grasped onto the sheets and blankets so that I would stay put. But I couldn't move.

I saw Dylan and Riley in a nursery. But it wasn't Dylan and Riley as I know them. They were shimmering swirls of clouds, one a little bigger than the other. I tried to yell for Derick, Can you see them? They are here to see us! They're here! But I couldn't yell or move or anything. I stopped to look at the mobile hanging from the ceiling. It was amazingly beautiful. Planets and stars and moons hanging from the silvery strands and shimmering. I tried to look into the crib, I was a little afraid, but so excited to see Dylan and Riley. When I turned to look inside, I heard someone say "She can't do it. She's not ready."

Then I was back in my bed, just able to move and speak again.

What the heck does that mean? It seems so signifigant, but I either can't see the signifigance of it or I don't want to see the signifigance of it. Does it mean that I'm not ready to have another child? I feel that I am. I really do. Does it mean that I'm just not ready to face what was inside the crib? Maybe. But what could have been inside the crib? Why were Dylan and Riley calling to me? What did they need or what did they want to show me?

The swirly clouds must have been their little souls. I can't believe they found me. I was their mother, a real mother, for that short time. I wish that I had told them how much I loved them. I do everyday, but it would have been nice to tell them at that moment. They must know though because otherwise I don't think they would have been there. I was so excited. I wanted Derick to come so badly. I wanted Derick to see them like I did. He was a little dissapointed, I think, because he hasn't seen them yet. I saw Dylan after we first lost him, but not Riley. It was the first time, and deffinately the most real.

I've felt them around me before. Sometimes when I'm about to drift off to sleep I open my eyes and I swear I see them. The same way though, little white clouds. I have never known if it was them or if I was just seeing a trick of the moonlight. Maybe it is them. They must be with me more often than I have thought. They guide me through everything that I do.

Great. Now I feel like I'm lumped in with the people who've been abduted by aliens. Now I'm the girl who sees dead babies.

Strangely enough, and I'm genuinely afraid to say anything, but my period is due tomorrow and I don't feel any normal signs that I'm getting it. It would be impossible to be pregnant though, we've always used condoms. I know that they don't always work, but the chances are very slim. I'm not going to get my hopes up. It's not a good time, I know. Derick and I already went over this once today. It's not a good time. But we could make it work if it happened. I know that we could. We would be ok. Maybe that's what they were trying to show me.

We will be ok.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Dissapointed in myself

I'm dissapointed in myself. I had to break down and return to taking my Zoloft. I was doing so well. Or I thought so at least. But this week has just put me through the wringer.

I know that grief comes in waves. I know that the worst, darkest months I had after Dylan died were in July, August, and September. I'm at the same point after Riley's death. It's been almost 3 months. Three excrutiatingly long months. I feel like I'm back to bargaining again. I would do anything to have Riley here with me. God, I would do anything. But there is nothing that can be done. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to have either of my boys back with me. I have to accept that, and most times I's just so hard when things are so dark.

Derick and I came to a mutual agreement that it's best to start taking the Zoloft again. I cried myself to sleep almost every day this week. I feel better, but I had hoped I could start to wean myself off of it. Derick says that even though I am strong and rediculously stubborn, sometimes I have to give in because I can't fight it all. He's right, I know it. But I'm still dissapointed.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Shitty day, shitty week

I know this week is always hard for me...under normal circumstances. I should have been more prepared. On the 18th it is the 12 year anniversary of the death of my beloved grandmother. St. Patricks day was her absolute favorite holiday and I can't even decorate for it anymore let alone celebrate it. Not since she died, at least. So I dread the holiday coming up too.

I found out today that Lex is having a boy. A boy. Why couldn't she have a girl? Why a boy? Doesn't God know how much that hurts me? Doesn't he know that I've been crying all day because of it? Mom said that she went to see a Peri yesterday about her cervix. Her OB is concerned. Great. Now I'm terrified on top of being so hurt. I know that she's past the point of a preventative cerclage. Rescue cerclages don't work that often. And she's possibly facing a long time of bedrest. I asked my aunt her cervix meassurement...she said she didn't know but she wasn't concerned. Not concerned? How could you say that after what I have been through...with the same problem?!'

Aunt Mil called and had enough nerve to tell mom that she was concerned about me grieving unhealthily. I should be over things by now.

Things like these are what keep me isolated from my family. I feel so lonely around them these days. No one seems to understand. And how could they? It's impossible for them to get it. Their children are alive.

So many things have happened in the past 2 years that my life isn't even close to what it was when I left for Florida.
Here's the rundown...

June 2005- I hurt my ankle, out of work until September
July 2005- bills getting tight
August 2005- ask for loan from grandparents
October 2005- we get married
November 2005- put house on the market
January 2006- house sells; we move...make almost $10k less than we expected
brother deploys to Quatar
early miscarriage
Febuary 2006- pregnant with Dylan
March 2006- hear Dylan's heartbeat
April 2006- move back to PA
May 2006- loose Dylan
June 2006- Derick's car gets reposessed because of funeral costs
July 2006- diagnosed with depression
September 2006- find great job
brother deployed to Iraq
October 2006- pregnant with Riley
loose job because of being pregnant
December 2006- cerclage placed
cervix opens
loose Riley

Thats a lot of bad things and not nearly enough good things. Most we couldn't have controlled, although some we could have made better choices. I'll admit that. But now things are looking up at least financially. I brought this up because Derick and I were trying to remember what the happiest part of our married life was so far. Deffinately being pregnant, but it is sort of bittersweet I started so blissful and ended so tragically.

The baby department...thats another story. But we'll get there, I guess. Not without lots of tears though.

Monday, March 12, 2007

What I want to say

I've been having a string of particularly bad days. Mom said that she talked to Lex last night for her birthday. She's 14w pregnant. She asked how I was doing. Mom told her I was ok. Ok? Why do I always say I'm 'ok' when people ask? I'm NOT ok! What I wanted Mom to tell her was that when her baby's heart started beating, my baby's stopped. When she went to her first prenatal visit, I went to the visit to hear that I might not ever have kids. While she's happy and blissful, I'm so, so sad.

On tv last night I heard a man say that "Every parent knows what it's like to put a baby to sleep..." No, every parent doesn't know. Please explain. Help me to understand why it's so hard to hear your child cry. Please explain to me how frustrating it can be to not be able to get them to sleep for a few hours. Please explain, I really want to know. Please explain these things to a parent who will go an eternity without hearing their child cry, without being able to put their child to sleep, and to a parent who has go through life not being able to wake up with their child in the next room. Please explain, because not 'Every Parent' knows.

Derick took me to Cabella's yesterday. He likes it there. It's like a man's toystore. I referenced it as the 'House of Furry Horror's.' He didn't explain to me that there were dead, stuffed animal carcasses hanging on the walls. There were rooms FILLED with dead stuffed furry animals. Even a do you kill a chipmunk? Anyhow, he dragged me there under the pretense of the aquarium. He forgot to mention that they had dead animals. I'm by no means opposed to huntin, it's not for me but whatever...but what I have a problem with is people who hand dead animals on a wall. They kill them to hang...what's with that? They had a mechanical robot human thing there telling stories. I was suprised to see that it wasn't a 'real' taxidermied human being. It should have been because really, what's so wrong with a stuffed human in a room full of stuffed animals? I'm a proud catch and releaser....but anyway...that's not the point of this story. The point is that there were babies all over the place. Little boys with their dad's running around, and crying to their moms. I found myself looking into every stroller, or staring I guess, because I was wondering what Dylan and Riley would look like. I thought, "That baby has brown hair, what would Dylan and Riley's look like?" That baby is about 6 months old, is that what Dylan would be doing? It hurt to look, but it hurt even more not to.

We looked at apartments today. Our first joy in a long time. We decided on a place, although we have some work to do on our credit. But hopefully by June we should be alright. Fingers crossed of course!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Must be fate!

Derick got some paperwork from Scott's the other day. They offer a $5000 adotpion assistance. Not many companies do that, and I certainly didn't think that they would. It must be fate! Now I'm anxious to find out if Amex offers some sort of adoption assistance too. That would be really nice.

I'm nervous about a few things though. I'm worried about a homestudy...if we will have enough money saved to prove that we can take care of a child...if my depression or the fact that I took antidepressants will show that I'm mentally ill even though I'm not...if we will be good enough to get through. I hate the worry. I always have something to worry about. What if they think we don't deserve to have a child though?

It's a long ways out. I know. But I'm so worried already. I guess just because at this point I can't imagine it not being a part of my life. I'm afraid that if the option is taken away from us that it will feel as though I'm loosing a child all over again. I want more than anything for an adopted child to be a part of our lives. I want more than anything to be a mother to a child who desperately needs it. But what if I get so attached to the idea of it, and then things don't pan out...I will feel like I lost another child in my heart. I don't know how to deal with that. I guess it's worries that we all struggle with.

Maybe because it wasn't easy to accept the fact that we may not have children of our own. It wasn't easy to accept that our babies would be born to another mother. I will never feel them move inside me, yet I will recieve the best part of them. What will happen to me if I'm preparing for this major event in my life, but it never happens? I keep seeing this baby in my head...sometimes he or she has dark skin, sometimes he or she has Asian eyes, sometimes he or she has poker straight hair...who am I kidding...usually when I picture the child it's a she! Sometimes I picture a little Russian boy with platinum blonde hair wearing Leiderhosen (sp?). I don't know why he is wearing Liederhosen...that's German...but I don't know what little boys wear in Russia! I picture these awful orphaneges and me waltzing in there and saving the life of a child that I want and need just as much as he or she wants and needs me.

What if I loose my dreams all over again? I don't know if I can come back from that. It almost puts me into an anxiety attack just thinking about! Breathe Becky! Breathe! Things will work out...there is no sense getting worked up all over it now!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

The Cemetary

We went to the cemetary today. Derick and I. I bought some shamrocks from AC Moore to put by their teddy bears and I wanted to be sure that I brought them in time for St. Patricks Day.

When I was a kid, St. Patty's day was my favorite. My Mimi used to go all out for us. She was Irish. We would stay over at their house the night before, and when we woke up in the morning the Leprechauns came and turned the milk green, the pancakes green, and the mashed potatoes green for dinner. Sometimes she would make potatoe pancakes, but not often. Only if we were good. She would put the green milk in her coffee like there was nothing different about it. And go about the day whisteling to herself or singing Irish songs. She would send us out searching for 4-leaf clovers and laugh when or if we found one. She would decorate the house....although she always had shamrocks and things around. So it wasn't much more than usual. My grandfather, though, is Italian. But still, since he knew how much she loved it, he would go ALL OUT and decorate the house outside. He loved to do it for her. But he hasn't since she passed away nearly 12 years ago. She loved the day so much, in fact, that she was on her death bed in the hospital and she died at 1:01am on March 18th. She just had to make it past St. Patty's day on the 17th. It always stop and say a prayer or two on St. Pattys day.

I know that Dylan and Riley will have such a special day with her. She will make it just as magical for them as she made it for me.

There was also some snow still on their side of the cemetary. The side without any sun. Derick chose that side because the grass was so green and it was shady in the summer. The snow was still fresh, and powdery. There had been no one else in there as there were not human footprints through the snow. Yet on that side, you could see the bunny tracks. It looked as though it stopped at every grave, got to Dylan and Riley's and went around it in a circle, stopped, and continued on it's way into the tree's. Derick and I laughed. We have come there many, many times just in time to see the bunny's running and playing. They eat the buds off the flowers. I would rather replace them because the bunny's ate them instead of them just dying. So I'm learning which ones they like, and those that they don't. They really like mums.

It was a peaceful day there. It's funny how quiet it is. There is a busy street in front, yet when you are in the midst of Baby Heaven it's as if the rest of the world has stopped and it's just us and our children, silently crying, but not always tears of sadness.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


Life is starting to look up!!

Derick had two interviews today. The first with a warehouse that paid well, but just a blah kind of job. And the second...would be almost a 'dream' job for him. Working outside again as a Lawncare Technician for Scott's Lawncare...fertilizer and pesticides and stuff.

He came back from the first looking a little discouraged. He said that they would let him know in 3-5 days if he got the job. The second, he came back from beaming! They offered him the job, right there on the spot! They offered him much, much more money than we had both anticipated!

Our luck has changed. Life is back in our hands again. We finally, finally passed the test!

We both start on March 19th.

Now we just have to get ourselves out of this financial slump, and we will do just fine! I can't believe it! Last week ended so terribly...and literally new doors were opened yesterday. We both ended up with our 'dream' jobs making decent money. We have our goals and our dreams back...we have a reason to work...and best of year it's TAC and baby makin time! Yay!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

What a weekend

What a shitty weekend. I wish that it was all over. I hate this. I hate life sometimes.

I wish that I had gone when Riley did.

Life is just so hard right now. Derick and I are fighting an uphill battle financially with no help or support from those around us. I just can't seem to find a job, despite all of the resumes I've sent out. And when I get an interview, either I blow it or it just doesn't happen. I don't know why. Have I changed that much in the past 10 months that makes me unhireable? What is wrong with me? I just don't get it. It's never taken me longer than a week to find a job, and here I am going on almost 2 months of DESPERATE searching.

Maybe I'm not as qualified as I think. Maybe they don't think that I can do the job. Maybe I don't possess something that they are after. Maybe I'm just not good enough.

It's not the bad luck that we had had before, but it's just a different type of sad. Before we didn't get any breaks. At least we get one here and there now. Our families are getting frustrated with us. We owe everyone money. I didn't expect to not work like this. I didn't expect to be not working this long. Because of me, our credit is shot and we are at the lowest point of our lives. Because of Dylan, I couldn't work. Because of Riley, I lost my job. It's not fair to blame them, and I'm not. But I can't help but wonder how things would have been different. How they would have played out. If we didn't have Dylan, we would still be in Florida in our house...the house that we owned together. We would still have our same jobs, the ones that we loved. We would be happy and independant. If we hadn't had Riley, I would still had my job. We would be almost out of our financial slump, and deffinately on our own by now. Instead, here we are. No babies. No family. No money. No job. No independance. Nothing. But we have each other. Sometimes though, that isn't enough. And that scares me. If we keep going on the track that we are, we aren't going to have anything...not even each other. If we continue on the track that we are, we might not even have ourselves.

I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of living this way. And it's going to take a long time to get out of this hole. We have doctors bills piled on top of doctors bills, a car payment, credit card bills (only like $500 but still), and we owe my parents, his parents, and my grandparents money. How on Earth are we going to get out? Seriously looking for any?