Saturday, February 23, 2008

What a week

I had another appointment on Tuesday. Everything went really well. It was with the nurse, but she went over everything that I needed to know before I even had a chance to bring it up. She said that after the TAC is placed, they will do weekly ultrasounds to monitor everything. Her and my doctor both agree that the progesterone shots are deffinately needed, even though my old doctor said they were unneccessary. She wants to start them at approximately 14w instead of the usual 16 and that the people that will come to our house and administer them weekly will also check for contractions and the fetal heart rate. So that will be kind of nice! With them, I have an appointment scheduled for March 18th, and then a level I ultrasound scheduled for March 20th with the Peri. She advised me to call the day of the appointment though because there are only 2 doctors on that day. The good one, and the one that killed Riley.

H0wever, I'm starting to get nervous about things. At this point it's been almost 2 weeks since the last ultrasound and the heartbeat, and still 2 weeks until the TAC. I can't help but think that the baby died and I don't know it. I'm sure that's not the case because a missed miscarriage isn't all that common. But I'm still nervous about it. And I'm afraid that it's just going to get worse as time goes on. One week at a week at a time...

And then, to make the week better...Derick called me Thursday morning early. I almost ignored the phone and then I realized that it must be important because he doesn't usually call that early unless something is going on. I answered and he said, "Meet me at the ER. I hurt myself, bad." I freaked out, expecting that because my babies die, that something terrible is going to happen to him too. So I threw my clothes on, drive to the ER and when I'm on my way, he calls to see where I am. He's crying at this point, and he keeps telling me that he loves me. Now I'm really scared.

I get there, and come to find out that he almost cut his finger off. He works with steel, and apparently they kind of folded in on his finger and pinched it. It was cut from his top knuckle to his fingernail. The nail was basically what kept it attached. Originally they thought they would have to take him into the OR to reattach all of the nerves and stuff. But the doctor came in and said that he would be able to just stitch it back together and regardless of doing it in the OR or not, there would still be nerve damage. He also fractured the bone, and bruised the rest of his hand.

So now here we are...

We can barely take care of ourselves. The house is a mess. I'm so stressed out about everything...the bills, the baby, the surgery, Derick, keeping up with the housecleaning, the dog...everything. He's in a lot of pain, but doesn't like to take the pain medicine because it makes him groggy. He's sleeping now, and when I looked over Lilo had offered him her stuffed animal to sleep with. I'm sure that he didn't even notice, but she put it under his arm to snuggle. Haha! I tried to take a picture, but when I came back he had apparently noticed and pushed it away!

I told him that it's so nice of him to be so concerned about my surgery that he's hurt himself so he can take care of me later : )

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I miss them

I took out the boys things last night. I haven't touched them or held them in a long time. I looked at their pictures...and I remembered that the pictures don't look anything like them. I looked at their noses, and their toes, and little ears. I miss their little noses. I had forgotten what they looked like. What kind of mother forgets what her children look like?

I had forgotten that it was impossible to tell if it was the weight of the blanket or the weight of them when I was holding them. They were so tiny. My tiny I miss them. I got that familiar ache in my arms again. That heaviness in my heart. I have it now as I type this. My chest aches for them to be near me. I had a dream the other night that I was breastfeeding them. Like if I just kept feeding them, they would be alive because it was me that was keeping them alive. And in my dreams, when I have them of babies...more often than not the babies look just like them except pink and alive.

I touched Riley's foot molds. I traced the arch in his foot, inspected his tiny toes...I miss those toes. God what I would do to see those toes one more time.

Here I am blessed with one more chance, and all I keep thinking about are the chances that I've missed. I was thinking this morning about what it would be like to bring home a living baby. One that cries because s/he needs me as much as I need them. And I can't see anything but tears. Maybe because that's what I'm used to. Endless, body consuming grief.

I gotta go now, my old familiar friend Grief is knocking at my door.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

TAC scheduled!

Dr. Davis called today to schedule the surgery. It's set for March 7th!

Thank God! I feel such a relief to have a date set. It's going to be a big weight off of our shoulders once that's done and over with. He said that I'll probably be in the hospital 2-3 days. So maybe I'll be out that Sunday, but it's doubtful.


Since Monica asked about Tator...I'll explain : )

Derick and I were at the store not long ago. We were walking through the frozen food section and I said, "Oooh, Tator Tot's." Let me make it clear that I don't usually care for tator tot's. They remind me a lot of the school cafeteria. So it was unusual for me to want to eat them. So Derick teased me and said that our little Tator needs a Tot! And that's how Tator came to be known as Tator.

And possibly we've settled on names. You know, just in case we need to know sooner than expected.

Brady Matthew
Natalie Rylan (Elizabeth, Elenor, or Sara)

Rylan is Dylan and Riley's names together. We had wanted it to be a middle name, however it doesn't go with much. Derick thinks it should 'go' with everything : )

He just suggested naming the baby after the dog. Ay, it's going to be a long night.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Sorry for leaving you all hanging!

It was a crazy/scary week.

Monday I came home from work and was cooking dinner. Derick was at the fire house doing training. I felt a trickle, and I knew it was blood. But I finished cooking dinner because I was afraid of looking. I went in the the bathroom, and I had bled through my jeans and it was going down my legs. There were lots of large clots, and the toilet water was red with blood. I wiped, and there was another large clot. I was terrified! I started crying uncontrollably, and got sick to my stomach. Then I had an anxiety attack...and then I called the doctor. She said that it sounded like I was miscarrying, and that the cramps will increase and it could take 4-5 hours or days for the process to complete. Derick came home and called his mom and she said that she remembers the cramps like doubling over in pain. But I had no cramps. The bleeding had stopped by 12am, and by the following morning it was just brown spotting.

I called the doctors office and they got me in at 9:45 am but we waited and waited because they fit me in. The doctor came in and he was great. He did the ultrasound and he said to the nurse, "Do you see what I see?" and she said, "I see a hearbeat!" Derick said he knew right away as soon as he looked at the screen, and I kept thanking God over and over again. My mom cried. Of course. I was afraid to bring her though because I didn't want her to get there and there be no heartbeat. It was so traumatizing and I didn't want her to go through it. But since she had orginally taken the day off, I didn't want her to waste it.

So little Tator is just fine and settled happily for a long haul. The doctor gave me the go ahead to schedule the surgery and he checked my cervix and it was nice and closed. But he warned me not to take to much from it at this point. It still made me happy though : )

Thank you all for your kind thoughts....we are so lucky to have you thinking of us!

All my love, always!

Monday, February 11, 2008


What am I so afraid of?

Some people are afraid of death, some people are afraid of life, some people are afraid of loosing everything or everyone that they have....and some people are just afraid. Maybe that's the catagory that I fall into.

I'm afraid that something will happen to this baby. I have no reason to think this. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping or anything out of the usual, but I'm just afraid that something will happen and I won't know it.

We have our first appointment tomorrow afternoon. She's going to go over everything, and then have the ultrasound. I wish they could do it the other way around. Do the ultrasound first because what if there is nothing else to go over? My mom is going with me. I want to be so happy for this baby, because really, everyone else in my life is. They 'feel' that this is the one. They know that things will work out because people don't loose 3 babies.

A very good friend said to me yesterday, "I'm so excited for this baby." I told her that I understood. And she said, "No, I mean really excited. Like can't sit still, starting to plan the shower excited." She was there for me when I lost the boys. Her mother is my mother's best friend, and we've been close since we were 10. She cried with us and for us, and her and her mother would call and say, "Be ready at 2, we're picking you up." She didn't give me the option to bow out, because if she did I would have gladly stayed in my bed. But there was no choice. And if I didn't answer the door, they would come in and get me. If I wasn't ready, they'd wait for me. And it was her mother that rescued me from the cemetary when I was to weak to drive myself home. Sitting on the bench, she held me while I cried. She answered me when I asked what I had done so terrible in my life to deserve such pain. She listened to me when I was desperate, and comforted me when I had a breakdown that the cemetary. They were there with me every step of the way. And for my mother...

So knowing that they are behind us, is a great feeling. Everyone is I suppose. They are so hopeful, so why am I so afraid of being hopeful for myself?

Because the rug was pulled out from under me once...and twice...I'm afraid for the third time. I bought some new maternity clothes. That's a step in the right direction, maybe. And I even bought some long sleeve Carter t-shirts for baby...they were $3.30 for 2 in a package. I bought a, blue, green, and yellow. They were so cute, and so perfect. I bought them in a 9 month size. Perfect for this time next year, if we get there.

As I drifted of to sleep last night, I whispered to the baby "I will not let you down..."

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

My Friend

In the begining of December, my mother called and sounded sad. I asked her what was wrong, and she skirted the issue a little making small talk and putting things off. Finally, after she was satisfied that I was alright, she continued.

"Remember I told you Carol's sister was pregnant?"
"Yeah, I remember...with twins?"
"Yup...well she's at the hospital. She lost baby A at 20 weeks. They are hoping that they can
save baby B."
"Oh no. My heart breaks for her. Keep me posted."
"I will. Carol called me and she said that if anyone would understand it was us."
"Oh geeze, Mom. Tell her to tell her sister that if she ever needs to talk..."
"I will."

I hung up and told Derick. He said that we should send them a card. I told him that we didn't know them, but that we will pray for them to make it through.

Two days later, December 4th, my mother called again to say that she lost her second son.

A few weeks later I had a message on my blog from a woman that lived near me. She explained that she had just lost her sons due to IC, and she noticed where I lived. I emailed her, and she wrote back. I saw my mom that night, and I asked her if Carol's sister's name was Lisa. I explained the story, and how it was fate that we meant. Our little boys brought us together, and we have been pretty close ever since. She was the one that suggested that I might be pregnant, even when I didn't want to believe it myself. She's comforted through my worries, and I hope that I've comforted her when she's needed me.

But I've noticed lately, especially after I called to see how she was two months later, and I'm sure she's probably reading this now...but I'm afraid for her. I know what it's like to pull away and isolate yourself after your loss. I know how freightening it is, and how sometimes you want nothing more than to hide in bed all day. And it's not something that each person does consciously. It's something that just happens. But I don't want it to happen to her. I desperately want for her to come through this...because there is light at the end of her tunnel. When Derick and I talked about it, I had hoped that it had nothing to do with me being pregnant I know that pain all to well too. There are to many nights that I can count where I have cried myself to sleep knowing that "So and so is pregnant and I'm not..." It's killed friendships that I had, and it's made me think terrible things about people that I love so much. And if she feels this way...I understand. I understand those tears and that heartache.

Anyway, Lisa has become a great friend to me when I needed it more than anything. I used to ask God, through my tears, for someone to talk to. And I found it...or I should say that she found me.

So if you are reading this...know how much you mean to me always. You are the answer to my prayers, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Neither here nor there

I feel like a wacko today. I feel like I'm worried over the craziest things, and to other people they are insignifigant. Does that make sense?

Right now I'm worried about keeping the baby in. That is my focus. I understand that I could loose the baby to any number of things, however my biggest concern is keeping the baby in.