Thursday, January 11, 2007


This anger is consuming me. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm angry for every single thing you can imagine.

I'm angry that other's get to have lots of baby's, but I may only have one. I'm angry that it will take so long and so much grief to get that one, while other's take theirs for granted. I feel as though I would trade anything to have lost my boys to some freak accident if only to guarentee that it wouldn't happen again.

I had a postpartum visit with Dr. Kim today. He confirmed my worst fears. That he's isn't optomistic for another pregnancy. He strongly supported the abdominal cerclage. But it's so scary. I want someone to guarentee me that if we try again, our baby will be born crying. I just want some peace and comfort to come. I want to be able to move on and not let my losses become me. I want to become a part of my losses. I want my boys to be a part of my life, but I can't let them consume it. Dr. Kim also suggested a surrogate mother. It's great, I think. But we can't afford someone who we don't know. It would have to be a family member or friend, and that, unfortunately, isn't an option. I don't have anyone close to me that would be in any position to carry a baby. It's such a large commitment, and I don't know how I would deal with it. I just am so confused. After Dylan was born, I was so sad. Convinced that it couldn't happen again. How was I to know that now I would be in this position?

If I could go back, I'm not sure that I would have gotten pregnant with Riley knowing that my body would kill him too. I love him with all of my heart, and I always will. But it wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair that my body didn't even give him a chance.

I just don't know how to go on..see past this anger. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. No friends or family, other than Derick. No one calls or wants to listen. And even if they do call, I don't answer. I'm going back there again. And I'm scared. I don't know how to crawl back out.