Saturday, January 20, 2007

Riley's Memorial Service

Tomorrow is the day that I have been anxiously await and dreading for 3 weeks. Wow, I can't believe it's been three weeks.

Derick and I went to the cemetary today after the man put Riley's ashes in with Dylan...illegally, I might add. But he was nice enough to do that since he was the groundskeeper at the cemetary. They actually told us that we had to buy another plot which I thought was rediculous. So we had planned on putting the ashes there ourselves, but the man at the cemetary and the funeral home were nice enough to get us together. He is surely a blessing from God. Anyway, we went over to arrange things a little bit. We put the temporary grave marker next to Dylan's, the angel statue that a friend gave us, and we removed some things. Then we stood there, admiring our work, and sobbing. We held each other and sobbed, much like we did the day of Dylan's funeral. I thought burrying one child was awful. But I was wrong. Burrying two is much worse.

I miss them so much that it makes my heart ache. And knowing that the piece of my heart that they took with them won't be replaced until we meet again just makes it ache more. I wish that there was something I could do to bring them back, but there isn't. There never will. They will always be my special boys. The boys that no one else got to know except for their Mommy. It's like a secret between the three of us. Even Daddy's out of the loop!

I'm still just going through the motions of life. But my family, they just don't seem to understand. I wish that because our babies died people would cut us some slack. Like their lives should have ended on that day too. But they don't. And their life still goes on just like it did before. I'm just so heartbroken and most people can't understand. And they never will. Because it's our little secret..between the 4 of us...the grief that we feel and the heartache and the dispair. It's something that the 4 of us share that will never go away because it will travel with us for the rest of our lives. It will continue to cripple us with grief at times and make us laugh at other times. And it's something that we will carry on our own...all alone...